Humor Quotes

There was something about Mikie that made me want to trust him. It might have been the Centanario Anejo.

~ Nadja Baer

Dunce is completely bald and has a really pointed head so the temptation to get him paralytic on his thirtieth birthday, carry him to the tattooist’s and get a nice big ‘D’ smack bang in the middle of his forehead was too much for me. Trouble is he can’t afford to have it removed so he wears a big plaster over it. Gangs of children tease him.‘What’s underneath the plaster, mister? Show us!’They swear he has a third eye under there. My name is Bill but Dunce calls me ‘Fez’ on account of my hat. I’ve known Dunce for over sixteen years.

~ Mike Russell

Hello. It is Monday. I live in Sun City. Sun City is a city that is entirely contained inside an enormous concrete building in the shape of a sun. Its rays house our living quarters, its circular centre is where we work and shop. No one has ever been outside of the city, it is generally suspected that the environment outside of the city is uninhabitable.

~ Mike Russell

Durbin's sunglasses were gone, and his gray eyes sparkled up at her. He winked. Take care of yourself, Dr. Venkman.Lena bit back a grin. You too, Dana Barrett.

~ Laura Oliva

Lena scowled at the empty space in her living room. Oh sure, thanks, I had fun too. She'd stayed awake, spilled a cup of perfectly good tea, and for what? A spirit with the noncorporeal equivalent of erectile dysfunction. Mostly she was fine being permanently on-call in the Veil. On nights like this, however, it sucked.

~ Laura Oliva

DI Cartwright: The cat is booby trapped? DI Quill: Welcome to my world.

~ Paul Cornell

In the beginning there was Logos...and God of course. And it was all extremely boring for Logos because he could never beat God at any game...

~ Yannis Karatsioris

So I flirt with disaster once or twice. Who doesn’t?”He snorted. “You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it.

~ Dannika Dark

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

~ W.c. Fields

He wouldn't call a glass of water half full or half empty, he'd assume it was poisoned and run away.

~ Michael Reisman

Your tongue is moving my King but the words are not making their way to my ears

~ Dora Okeyo

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

~ Anthony Liccione

If you feel like you're drowning, don't forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you're actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

~ Dani N M.

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

~ Josh Stern

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

~ Josh Stern

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

In a typical college romance novel, he'd be a gorgeous but troubled sex god who'd cure all my deep-seated psych issues with a good hard fuck. I'd smell his misogyny and abusive tendencies from miles off but my brain would turn to hormone soup because abs. That's the formula. Broken girl + bad boy = sexual healing. All you need to fix that tragic past is a six-pack. More problems? Add abs.It's Magic Dick Lit.

~ Leah Raeder

This song is for my Molly, who is the best fucking thing that´s ever happened to me. Also, for those suicidal idiots sending her fan mail asking her to run away with them, I will hunt you down and rip off you nuts.

~ Nalini Singh

Okay, on my first night, he tried to chat me up. You know how the story goes. ‘You have the most beautiful eyes, I’m very rich, want to see my bedroom?’ Blah, blah, blah.”“And because you turned him down, he’s more determined than ever,” Will guessed, with amazing accuracy. “You did turn him down, right?”“Of course,” I told him, insulted by the insinuation I would drop my knickers for a glass of wine. “Do you think I’d risk my job for a quick tumble in the sheets with him?

~ Kyra Lennon

I know what you're thinking. ‘How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,’ right? Well guess what? I've read every single book on the New York Times list of 'Top 100 Literary Classics,' not to mention every Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath or Bronte sisters’ book ever written. And fuck you very much for judging me, by the way.

~ Isobel Irons

Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn’t remotely fat—just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose, every day after fifth period. Of course now, she does more than puke. But we don’t talk about that. Because real friends don’t judge each other for what they do to survive in hell.

~ Isobel Irons

They say opposites attract. Nobody ever said opposites live happily ever after.

~ Linda Morris

You know what they say,' Suz had texted. 'Once you go geek, you never go back.

~ Linda Morris

Your problem is a serious lack of imagination. You can’t imagine being different than you are.

~ Linda Morris

Watch it, loincloth, I’m not afraid to spork your eyes out.

~ Magan Vernon

I don't know. I don't understand how boys think. If I knew that I'd be a millionare.

~ Magan Vernon

Next!” The taller of the guys at the door called. Saved by the yell.

~ Magan Vernon

The dining hall in our section of campus was like something out of an Ayn Rand novel: big, utilitarian, and impersonal.

~ Kirstie Collins Brote

When he flashed that rockin’ smile of his again, I couldn’t help but think that me being cute was what might be crossing his mind. Then again, maybe he thought I was a dumbass. Either way, he smiled, which was good enough for me. - Ariel

~ Victoria H. Smith

And if I ever see you or your fake ass Chanel earrings around here again, I will shove my very real, very pointy Jimmy Choos up your prissy little ass. Do I make myself clear?

~ Magan Vernon

Louisiana is a fresh-air mental asylum.

~ James Lee Burke

See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.

~ Robin Mclaurin Williams

The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I'm not sure about the turnip.

~ Terry Pratchett

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed impossibly thin.

~ Augusten Burroughs

He’s lost it. Our son is insane. Or on drugs. Or maybe not on enough drugs.

~ Ransom Riggs

Sometimes I notice I'm demented, especially at sunset.

~ Jaroslav Hašek

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.

~ Diana Rowland

I know all about insanity. It's not that bad once you beat up everyone who teases you about it.

~ Eve Langlais

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

~ Wallace Thurman

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win

~ Josh Stern