Humor Quotes

Wizards don’t believe in gods. They didn’t deny their existence, of course. They just didn’t believe. It was nothing personal; they weren’t actually rude about it. Gods were a visible part of narrativium that made things work, that gave the world its purpose. It was just that they were best avoided close up.

~ Terry Pratchett

Not that I'm complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeding me to her pigs.Harma's dead. Jon said.But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to look at ham. Not to say that the wildlings mean us harm. Aye, we hacked their gods apart and made them burn the pieces, but we gave them onion soup. What's a god compared to a nice bowl of onion soup? I could do with mine myself.

~ George R.r. Martin

My father looked on in disbelief, overwhelmed that his son had been taught to eat glass and relish it.

~ Tahir Shah

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

~ Voltaire

Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician.- G. A. Custer

~ Robert Lynn Asprin

A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.

~ Kathy Mcclary

I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

~ Mary E. Pearson

Perhaps there isn’t anything Alec is afraid of.”Magnus glanced at Alec and raised his eyebrows. “Boo,” he said.Jace was grinning. “Come on, surely you’ve got a phobia or two. What scares you?”Alec thought for a moment. “Spiders,” he said.Clary turned to Luke. “Have you got a spider anywhere?”Luke looked exasperated. “Why would I have a spider? Do I look like someone who would collect them?”“No offense,” Jace said, “But you kind of do.”“You know”---Alec’s tone was sour---”Maybe this was a stupid experiment.”“What about the dark?” Clary suggested. “We could lock you in the basement.”“I’m a demon hunter,” Alec said, with exaggerated patience. “Clearly, I am not afraid of the dark.

~ Cassandra Clare

That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

~ Christopher Buckley

Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!

~ Jenny Lawson

I don't need every answer. Just the right answer.

~ Garrett Mccoy

Do you see that out there? The strange, unfamiliar light? It's called the sun. Let's go get us a little.

~ Nora Roberts

The patter of tentative footfalls reached my ears. I flipped on my side to face the door and saw Ansel wander by. I rolled onto my back, rubbing sleep from my eyes. I'd crashed on my bed as soons as I'd gotten back from school, collapsing under the weight of the day. The floorboards squeaked as Ansel passed by my door again. I caught his nervous glance in my direction before he hurried down the hall. 'Ansel, I'm not the sun; stop orbiting and get in here,' I called.

~ Andrea Cremer

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

~ Jesikah Sundin

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

~ Erma Bombeck

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.

~ Bill Watterson

You know what the worst thing about adults is? ...They're not always adults. But that's what I like about them.

~ Benjamin Alire Sáenz

For the Hypocritical, shit only gets real when it gets personal.

~ Nightwriter

For the Hypocritical, SHIT only gets REAL when it gets up close and PERSONAL.

~ Nightwriter-Booksie

Love is the purest form of each individual on the planet Earth

~ Nitin Yaduvanshi

Some of what we learned early on turned out to be true (the earth is round, if you want a friend be a friend, cleanliness is next to impossible) and some of it turned out to be false (Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Kansas is more fun than Oz).

~ Peter Mcwilliams

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

~ Anatole France

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise?

~ Sara Marcus

Boys say they don't mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you're alone with a masculine crop crying into your granola.

~ Alexa Chung

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

~ J. Fally

I will not let the non-knitters of the world decide how normal I am.

~ Stephanie Pearl-Mcphee

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

~ Doug Solter

She told me it was unlucky to share a reading with others, but the main point, the one I don't mind mentioning because it seems relevant to the story, is that she said I had a kind of evil spirit following me. 'Obviously,' she added, 'that sucks. But if we get you some amber—

~ Olivia Sudjic

Boo: Go talk to her.Callum: About what?Boo: Anything.Callum: You want me to walk up to her and say, 'Are you a ghost?'Boo: I do that.Callum: I love it when you get it wrong.

~ Maureen Johnson

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

~ Helen Stringer

I’m tired. Dead tired. So tired I can barely stay awake to write this. After helping Mr Bircher search for his head all night, I’m a little annoyed too. Dad doesn’t help. He doesn’t know what it's like for a girl my age, trying to fit in at school as much as possible, and trying to fit in all the dead people. It’s not easy being a soul helper.

~ L.p. Donnelli

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.How can you say that? protested Mopple. We don't know whether humans have souls or not.Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses. Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses.So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of.

~ Leonie Swann

The others can’t see me,” said the little ghost.“I know,” I said. “My name’s Gwyneth. What’s yours?”“Dr. White to you,” said Dr. White.“I’m Robert,” said the ghost.“That’s a very nice name,” I said.“Thank you,” said Dr. White. “I’ll return the compliment by saying you have very nice veins.

~ Kerstin Gier

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

~ Quentin Crisp

You can't reinvent yourself using spare parts...--Barry Randall from My Father's Ashes

~ Bruce Jenvey

I am astounded at how long it takes to discover... for the first time,the things I have learned... over and over again all my life.

~ Portia Nelson

God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique by which I would be so easily and so quickly judged, then gave me a mind by which I would so deeply magnetize, He put within me a heart with small, fast wings that I can hardly, barely handle, and then gave me a voice that hides behind everything in whispers. Oh, and also put a pen in my hand which writes me into madness! How can anyone possibly understand me? But I don't think God cared about that thought, when He made me! How ridiculously unfair!

~ C. Joybell C.

An aged monk led me to the infirmary. He's got the place to himself. Once the other invalids learned there was a dragon coming they miraculously got well! The lame could walk and the blind decided they didn't really need to see. He's a panacea.

~ Rachel Hartman

[The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies.

~ G.k. Chesterton

I wish I were like Facebook, being able to 'like' and 'share' everything I get.

~ Ashok Kallarakkal