Humor Quotes

What the hell?” I muttered. Then I realized it was Jack Quinn’s car. Jack was a Hound and Bea’s boyfriend. The left blinker flashed on for just a second, and then Jack drove at speed again.“Zayvion, I’m sorry to tell you I think I have a crush on another man.”“Who is this unfortunate and soon-to-be-dead fool?” he asked.“Jack. That’s his car. He must have been waiting for us, or maybe he followed us.”“Jack Quinn has been following us?” Shame said.“And now he’s taking us to Collins, I think.”“Or a trap,” Shame said.“He’s a Hound, Shame.”“My statement stands.”“You still don’t get it, do you?” I turned left, following the car. “Hounds are loyal. Jack and Bea told me they’d help me if they could. They’re not going to turn against me while I’m in trouble.”“What happens when you’re not in trouble?” Shame asked.“Don’t know. It’s never happened.

~ Devon Monk

Looks like it’s game time,” Shame said. “Beautiful day for some ass kicking, don’t you think?

~ Devon Monk

What kind of one-night stand takes your car the next morning? It’s called the walk of shame, not grand theft auto.

~ Piper Rayne

Mae's first impulse was to die of shame, but she realized after a hot, stomach-clenching moment that this was probably impractical.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

~ Ernest Hemingway

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

~ Bauvard

Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!

~ Anthony Liccione

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing to be ashamed of.[2000]

~ Chavela Vargas

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online.

~ Tasha Turner

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

I was basically born knowing how to casually stalk people on social media.

~ Becky Albertalli

We have more ways to get our news than ever, which is supposed to be a good thing, because more competition is supposed to challenge you to do better. However, in this social media age, what is has done is allowed the information business to be a free- rein free-for-all. Old rules of journalistic integrity have been thrown out the window. Everyone has been given the conch, and no one knows what to do with it. Instead of using the new-media landscape to spur us to higher quality, we have instead become sloppier than ever: Tweet first, research later. Post first, rescind later. Guess first, confirm later.

~ Luvvie Ajayi

Emergency? Knighthawk sent. I’m just bored.I blinked, holding my phone and rereading that text.Bored? I sent. You’re literally spying on the entire world, Knighthawk. You can read anyone’s mail, listen to anyone’s phone calls.First, it’s not the whole world, he wrote. Only large chunks of North and Central America. Second, do you have any idea how mind-numbingly DULL most people are?I started a reply, but a flurry of messages came at me, interrupting what I was going to say.Oh! Knighthawk wrote. Look at this pretty flower!Hey. I want to know if you like me, but I can’t say that, so here’s an awkward flirtation instead.Where are you?I’m here.Where?Here.There?No, here.Oh.Look at my kid.Look at my dog.Look at me.Look at me holding my kid and dog.Hey, everyone. I took a huge koala this morning.Barf. The world is ruled by deific beings who can do stuff like melt buildings into puddles of acid, and all people can think of to do with their phones is take pictures of their pets and try to figure out how to get laid.

~ Brandon Sanderson

That's why I'm not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don't need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.

~ Janet Evanovich

It seems we would rather have a past filled with great scientists than just great artists and writers who could dream up these wonderful and awe-inspiring creations. It's a strange irony: we're spending our time trying to find the truth in our past, but creating myths of ourselves in the present.

~ Aditya Iyengar

You could say that Facebook is doing a far more effective job than religion at teaching us to 'love thy neighbor,' connecting us with random strangers and 'friends' from distant lands.

~ Gemini Adams

Fools live life; intellectuals only think thoughts arising from borrowed knowledge.That is why fools enjoy life while so called wise people are busy posting tweets about life. Unfortunately, I am a wise man.

~ Saurabh Sharma

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

~ Gemini Adams

We're like America's little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.

~ Evan Wright

Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had never occurred to him that they might do it because they'd get yelled at if they didn't.

~ Terry Pratchett

They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah!

~ Evan Wright

Your eyes having a nervous breakdown? Do you not know what to do? Well-guess what!” He stomps to the left of the recruit, pushing the recruit’s head into his until their cheeks meld together. He points out in front of them both. “I don’t care if some monkey is rippin’ your eyeballs out with rusty nails! YOU STARE UP FRONT AT ATTENTION! RIGHT THERE! IS THAT CLEAR!

~ J.k. Brown

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

~ Colby Buzzell

In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn't been able do while they'd been in the armed forces. The second did their best to pretend they never got out.

~ Ilona Andrews

Trying to drown me woman?'You can't drown a SEAL,' she said. 'How embarrassing would that be?''God yes. Shoot me, hang me, let me die of infection from a hangnail, but don't let me die in the water. They'd send me to hell on principle.

~ Maya Banks

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

~ Courtney Allison Moulton

Sure.” Olivia smirked. “Good ol’ New York Public Library. I’m sure it’s up to date on the latest Demons that escape through well-guarded Demon Gates.

~ Cheyenne Mccray

Would any of you like to share your career aspirations within the class? Jim?I dunno, to be honest, I was just hoping to be able to keep the demons away...

~ Jillian Tamaki

The last time I checked,I didn't have any special talent,thought Kara.Can I paint a demon to death?Drown it in some gouache?

~ Kim Richardson

I dinna want to disappoint ye, but we's in a cellar right here, and it's full o' tatties.'After a while a voice said: 'So where izzit?''Maybe it's got the day off?''What's a demon need a day off for?''Tae gae an' see its ol' mam an' dad, mebbe?''Oh, aye? Demons have mams, do they?

~ Terry Pratchett

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the room's maximum occupancy.

~ Kem Nunn

But...he's a demon. Isn't that sort of the main category of Things to Smite?

~ Bethany Frenette

Shearwater sighed, like a whale in the night.

~ Aldous Huxley

The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a response to the marks.

~ Neal Stephenson

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

~ Eoin Colfer

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.

~ Kathy Griffin

I stare at Hans. Hans is shaped like an industrial-sized refrigerator. His hands are like cinder blocks.He should not be afraid of a little thing like the ocean.

~ Cyn Balog

The marketing people are always talking about something called 'consumers'. I have this image of a fat little man in baggy Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a straw hat with beer-can openers dangling from it, clutching fistfuls of dollars.

~ Robert James Waller

Thank goodness we don'y meet many people like [Miss Trunchbull] in this world, although they do exist and all of us are likely to come across at least one of them in a lifetime. If you ever do, you should behave as you would if you met an enraged rhinoceros out in the bush--climb up the nearest tree and stay there until it has gone away.

~ Roald Dahl