Humor Quotes

The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.

~ Ian Strang

Tammaru’s office looked like NASA’s control room designed by Donald Trump.

~ K.l. Tharp

Man is an endangered species.

~ L. Ron Hubbard

ESPE: So, in both conversations, Lama Sangyay steers you away from thinking directly about Epifanio or your relationship (or lack thereof) and right into the nature of your mind. So masterful.CLARA: Isn't he? I hate those instructions. I do not want to do those contemplations. I want Epifanio!ESPE [laughing]: Of course you do. How does it feel to want?CLARA: Et tu, Brute?ESPE: Oh, sí, Señora. ¡Yo también!

~ Sally Ember

The cybernetic operation?No, the sex change.The doctor's smile faltered.I'm joking.

~ Marissa Meyer

The princess turns to him, serious. 'You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron who falls down a shaft and lands in sticky goo to lead the Brundeedle race out of Woe Time.':

~ Eric Laster

I told you it was easy,” HARV said.“True, but you say that about everything.”“That's because everything is easy for me.”“Everything but humility.”“No, that's easy, too. I just choose not to practice it.

~ John Zakour

Don't worry, boss,” HARV said. “I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg of complications.”“HARV, you’re a machine. You don’t get feelings.”“Would it make you feel better if I said I've done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case?

~ John Zakour

How bad is it?”“The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way,” HARV said. “The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan.

~ John Zakour

Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index.

~ Jasper Fforde

Stupid Ape: I had to quantify this with the word “stupid” so as not to offend the ape community. Large of limb, impotent of intellect, he was the kind of guy who lettered in leg-breaking at thug school but flunked the written exam because he didn't know which end of the e-pencil to use.

~ John Zakour

No thanks,” I answered, “I never take rides from strangers, thugs who've tried to kill me or people with poor personal hygiene. Congratulations, by the way, for being the first person to qualify in all three categories.

~ John Zakour

From her own life experience Keldaren knew that loveable hunks were in short supply anywhere in the galaxy, loveable hunks who knew her were an extinct species, and that more marketing companies than friends had her phone number.

~ L.l. Watkin

Yeah, but will it hurt?”’ I asked.“This is science, Zach,” Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. “Of course it will hurt.

~ John Zakour

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

~ John Zakour

I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy bands.

~ John Zakour

I focused the power from my armor into my leg and kicked the door in. The metal and plastic fibers splintered and the hinges ripped free from the wall.“By the way, boss,” HARV said. “I believe that the door was unlocked.

~ John Zakour

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man!

~ John Zakour

Great Gates almighty,” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

~ John Zakour

As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that’s if you live to be 185.”“And that’s meant to make me feel better?” I said.“No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.

~ John Zakour

Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people.”“Yes, but the press don't count as normal.”“She’s got you there,” HARV added.

~ John Zakour

I can tell you that she's not breathing,” he said. “She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees.”“So you’re saying that she’s dead,” I said.“Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way.

~ John Zakour

W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course, not moving at all, at least not to the naked eye, because his strides could only be measured in micrometers. His creaky legs made barely the tiniest of forward steps, so he’d taken four strides before I noticed any lateral movement at all.“I'll be right back.”“Geologically speaking, of course,” HARV said.

~ John Zakour

Forget it,” I said. “Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

~ John Zakour

James had been acting a little weird. After waking up yesterday, he'd been a little bit distant. It might just be the stress of the trip. It was probably hard on James to be in charge of the little group. He was responsible for the welfare of his lover, a nun, and a talking horse. That couldn't be easy.

~ Anne Tenino

My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.

~ Avery Williams

Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive.SMASH!Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.

~ Rick Riordan

I thought you were dead. Magnus smiled crookedly. What, from that scratch? He glanced down at the reddening jacket in Alec's hand. Okay, a deep scratch. Like, from a really, really big cat.

~ Cassandra Clare

Those were great big angry men with sharp swords actually wanting to cut pieces off me. It’s not until you’ve seen a red gaping wound and all the complex little bits inside a man all broken up and sliced open, and known that they weren’t ever getting back together again, and vomited your last two meals over the rocks . . . it’s not until then that you understand the business of swords properly and, if you’re a sensible man you vow to have nothing to do with it ever again.

~ Mark Lawrence

It took Caine a few beats to get it. “No. Go kill yourself. Eat your own gun. No. No no no.”“You’re happy here counting fish and nagging kids to work?” Edilio asked.“He’s not,” Virtue said, beating Toto to the punch and earning an annoyed glance from Caine.“He’s only done it for two days since the battle, and he’s already bored.

~ Michael Grant

The more you say goodbye, the stupider you’ll feel when we’re blitzed as bats at the victory party.

~ Meg Merriet

It's funny when people say something is unreal about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real!

~ Ethan Luck

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered 'Mad' or 'immature

~ Anamika Mishra

Are you that afraid of being wrong? One would assume you’d be accustomed to it by now.”He grunted. “Be careful, girl. You wouldn’t want to accidentally insult a man.”“The last thing I’d want to do is accidentally insult you, Vathah,” Shallan said. “To think that Icouldn’t manage it on purpose if I wanted!

~ Brandon Sanderson

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

~ Jenny Lawson

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

~ Josh Stern

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

~ Lewis Grizzard

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.

~ Augusten Burroughs

I will never, ever drink whiskey again. From now on, it's strictly sherry.

~ Libba Bray

Glasses are for people that sips instead of drinks.

~ Kai Starr