Humor Quotes

the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner

~ Josh Stern

I'm going out for a bottle of champagne. We're going to get bombed.

~ Stephen King

Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic.

~ Ahmed Mostafa

She was thinking of doing a little Cuervo therapy.

~ Kelly Moran

Free drinks have no carbs.

~ Nicki Elson

The Americans called theirs the Officers Club but the Canadians called ours the Officers Mess. The American term was the more honest, ours the more accurate. Drunken officers at play are messy.

~ R.j. Childerhose

Ptah held up his mug. “Do you realize, we’ve fought together, starved together, bled together, endured slavery, and looked into the jaws of death...”“But we never drank together!” Marcus finished, clanking his mug to Ptah’s.“Exactly! The drink flows freely, and we must make up for lost time, ha ha ha!

~ Jennifer Mckeithen

No, I went to the bar to ask for a mojito and that guy Johnny said he didn’t make mojitos. Then he offered to make me a mint julep, in one of those silver cups and everything.” “Did you know say the true cause of the Civil War was some Northerner adding nutmeg to a mint julep?” Lucy asked.

~ Mary Jane Hathaway

Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar. Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt.

~ Daniel Younger

I also drink Scotch. But I'm not picky. I'll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.

~ Rob Thomas

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife

~ Scott Lynch

Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe. If you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn't become obvious yourself.

~ Charles Bukowski

He wanted one drink, and understood precisely why he wasn't going to have one. One drink ended up arriving in a dozen glasses.

~ Terry Pratchett

The thing I like about Irish whiskey is that the more you drink the smoother it goes down. Of course that's probably true of antifreeze as well, but illusion is nearly all we have.

~ Robert B. Parker

He only drinks when he gets depressed,' said Carrot. 'Why does he get depressed?' 'Sometimes it's because he hasn't had a drink.

~ Terry Pratchett

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it.

~ Bill Maher

Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times. He shook his head. A bar would not be a good career move for you.

~ Jennifer Crusie

We were still twirling around the tiny parking lot when the neighborsscreamed 'Happy New Year'. Unfortunately we weren't sober enough torealize that was our cue to call it a night. Josh had a new beer in his hands,Danny was eating the last hot dog and Darren and I were still dancingwhen the cops showed up.

~ Kaitlin Scott

I knew what Charley would do. He would spend the evening drinking himself into the mindset of a cinder block. If they had given him as much as a hundred bucks, it would be a long night.

~ Dan Ahearn

I guess I forgot we were going out tonight.We always go out on Fridays.It's Thursday, Alvis.You are so tied to routine.

~ Jess Walter

I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead.

~ Dan Dunn

If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan Jack McVoy

~ E.j. Eisman

Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —Perfect Percy,” muttered

~ J.k. Rowling

She wasn't the only one to be physically morphed by reader expectation. Miss Havisham was now elderly whether she liked it or not, and Sherlock Holmes wore a deerstalker and smoked a ridiculously large pipe. The problem wasn't just confined to the classics. Harry Potter was seriously pissed off that he'd have to spend the rest of life looking like Daniel Radcliffe.

~ Jasper Fforde

Yes, Harry Potter!” said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. “And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!”“There won’t be any need for that,” said Harry hastily.

~ J.k. Rowling

As far as informing the headmaster, Harry had no idea where Dumbledore went during the summer holidays. He amused himself for a moment, picturing Dumbledore, with his long silver beard, full-length wizard's robes, and pointed hat, stretched out on a beach somewhere, rubbing suntan lotion onto his long crooked nose.

~ J.k. Rowling

They stuff people’s heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall,” he told Harry. “Want to come upstairs and practice?”“No, thanks,” said Harry. “The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

~ J.k. Rowling

There you go, Harry!” Ron shouted over the noise. “You weren’t being thick after all — you were showing moral fiber!

~ J.k. Rowling

Harry Potter: I know this witch with no nose. Voldermort: With no nose? How does he smell? Harry Potter: Terrible!

~ Harry Potter Fanclub

Arthur and Fred—” “I’m George,” said the twin at whom Moody was pointing. “Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry?” “Sorry, George—” “I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really—

~ J.k. Rowling

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

~ J.k. Rowling

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free! He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, Tink is freeeeee!Ren looked at me. What the actual f**k?I sighed. He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry.Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter.You do remember what happened to Dobby, right? I said.S**t. Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I finally figured out why Voldemort's face is so flat. He ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

~ Fangirls

I don't want to stay here overnight,' said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. 'I want to find McLaggen and kill him.

~ J.k. Rowling

Ministry of Magic (M.O.M) Classification.xxxxx Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate / or anything Hagrid likes

~ J.k. Rowling

Merlin's pants! shrieked Hermione, jumping up and running from the room.Merlin's pants? repeated Ron, looking amused. She must be really upset.

~ J.k. Rowling

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say?

~ Janet Evanovich

Personally, I think the Potter books have too many adverbs and not enough sex.

~ Lev Grossman

One Said, 'My grandfather once planted a Langra tree but, before he could eat the fruit, he had to marry it to another tree. A tamarind. Custom decreed it.''I know about that custom,' said a colleague. 'The jasmine is considered a suitable bride for a mango.

~ Alexander Frater

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

~ Renita D'silva