Humour Quotes

Writing is lonely. Until that moment you write your first character and suddenly you have company.

~ Eliza Green

Did you bring me a rat?He has no time for rats, George.No time for rats? That's just sad.

~ Rick Riordan

So Beckendorf was pretty popular? Leo asked. I mean-before he blew up?

~ Rick Riordan

Leo got up and brushed himself off. I hate that guy. He offered Jason his arm like they should go skipping together.I`m Dylan. I`m so cool, I want to date myself, but I can`t figure out how! You want to date me instead? You`re so lucky!Leo Jason said You`re weird

~ Rick Riordan

I am not sure,' Mordecai told Thomas, 'whether omens can be trusted.''Of course they can.''I should like to hear your reasons. But show me your urine first.''You said I was cured,' Thomas protested. 'Eternal vigilance, dear Thomas, is the price of health. Piss for me.

~ Bernard Cornwell

We find the library world, like the real world, impossible to understand on a rational basis. We turn then to the outer reaches of our mind and treat librarianship with the irrationality that it deserves. While we most often turn to humour merely to enjoy ourselves, we do sometimes do so to make a point. That point is simply that the world of librarianship is ridiculous and that we should all take a far less serious view of our work. What we accomplish as librarians is not, after all, likely to change the world.~ Norman D. Stevens

~ Peter Gellatly

Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet.

~ Ruadhán J. Mcelroy

One group of riders doped, the others alongside them racing clean. You can work out for yourselves which group was fastest.

~ David Millar

The glamour's off. Almost any question you ask can be answered. It's only the questions that you didn't know to ask that remain, dancing the can-can behind your back. The unknown unknowns.

~ Mark Forsyth

A half-blood of the eldest dogs...

~ Rick Riordan

Frank couldn't breathe underwater.But where was he?Percy turned in a full circle. Nothing. Then he glanced up. Hovering above him was a giant goldfish. Frank had turned -clothes, backpack, and all- into a koi the size of a teen-aged boy.dude. Percy sent his thoughts through the water, the way he spoke to other sea creatures. A goldfish?Frank's voice came back to him: I freaked. We were talking about goldfish, so it was on my mind. Sue me.

~ Rick Riordan

The Romans always wanted bread and circuses-food and entertainement! As we destroy their city, I will offer them both. Behold, a sample!Someething dropped from the ceiling and landed at Percy's feet: a loaf of sandwich bread in a white plastic wrapper with red and yellow dots.Percy picked it up. Wonder bread?Magnificent, isn't it? Ephialtes eyes danced with crazy excitement.

~ Rick Riordan

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn't get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.Dang it! Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him.No doubt Frank would've cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and the gosh darns- but Percy interrupted by doubling over and groaning.Did the world just turn upside down? he asked.Jason pressed his hands to his head. Yeah, and it's spinning. Everything is yellow. Is it supposed to be yellow?

~ Rick Riordan

Some people just don’t find their Prince Charming straight away, they have to search for him.

~ Charlotte Fallowfield

My mouth went dry as I tried to remember all of Poppie’s tips for kissing over the years. She told me no guy wanted a girl with a mouth as wide as a guppy, who sucked his tongue with the force of a Dyson vacuum cleaner first time, or licked him to death like an overeager puppy. She’d told me to just purse my lips and let him lead and take control. Don’t slobber, don’t slobber, don’t slobber, I chanted to myself as he got closer and closer

~ Charlotte Fallowfield

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

~ D.m. Lee

Zane raised his brow. “Didn’t I say that yesterday?” he asked, forcinghimself to be patient. Somehow.“You say that like you think I listen to you,” Ty responded instantly, asmile pulling at his lips.

~ Abigail Roux

Being under pressure is great, if it's all in the right place.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Gods, man, don't you start now,' I said softly. 'We're going to get a terrible reputation if we just keep travelling across the countryside crying all the time.

~ Sebastien De Castell

I flow like a butter in the nailed pan I stole. I also kept the nail, to polish and use as a means of teleportation.

~ Will Advise

Light and dark ain't supposed to mix. They're like broccoli and chocolate - just nasty when you put them together - but that appears to be what's happening with you

~ H.m. Ward

Ever since, in the U.K. they banned smoking in public places, I've never enjoyed a drinks party ever again. And the reason, I only worked out just the other day, is when you go to a drinks party and you stand up and you hold a glass of red wine and you talk endlessly to people, you don't actually want to spend all the time talking. It's really, really tiring. Sometimes you just want to stand there silently, alone with your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stand in the corner and stare out of the window. Now the problem is, when you can't smoke, if you stand and stare out of the window on your own, you're an antisocial, friendless idiot. If you stand and stare out of the window on your own with a cigarette, you're a fucking philosopher.

~ Rory Sutherland

I want a new liver to replace my heart.Um, why?Because then I could drink more and care less.

~ L.a. Casey

Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I’d left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me.

~ Mark Capell

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

~ Stephen Colbert

It was as though applied mathematics was my spouse, and pure mathematics was my secret lover.

~ Edward Frenkel

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

~ Robert Morrissette

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

~ Robert Morrissette

If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, w

~ Caitlin Moran

Foxbrush sneezed again.He couldn't help himself. It's not something a fellow likes to do when a stunningly beautiful woman is leaning toward him with an expression on her face like Nidawi's wore. But sneezes are not prey to the wants or wishes of those inflicted with them. He sneezed so violently that he nearly knocked his forehead against Nidawi's exquisite little chin. She leapt back lightly, frowning at first, then shaking the frown into a rain of laughter.

~ Anne Elisabeth Stengl

Heartache makesfor good poetry,heartburnnot so much.

~ S. Tarr

Are you saying that the Rebel Alliance were religious terrorists and Yoda was a benefit cheat?

~ Dave Turner

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

~ Toby Frost

If natural selection can create creationists it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse.

~ Zane Stumpo

It made Craze smile, despite wishing most of his body parts would find new homes and leave him in peace.

~ M. Pax

Fearghus watched his mate a moment longer. It had been five years since he last saw her. Five years since he last touched her, kissed her, fucked her, saw her smile, told her to calm down, yanked a weapon from her hands before she hurt someone, or stopped her from getting in a pit brawl with her own daughter. It had been too long since he’d done all that and it was a bit overwhelming to be here now, so close to her after all this time.Annwyl slammed her spear into another Sovereign, then leaned against it, wiping her brow with the back of her hand and looking out over all the bodies she and her troops had left behind.She looked rather proud.

~ G.a. Aiken

Humour is the best weapon to fight any battle. But there is a thin line between humour and humiliation and beware not to cross it.

~ Girish Kohli

I give you full credit for the discovery, I crawl, I grovel, my name is Watson, and you need not say what you were just going to say, because I admit it all.

~ Dorothy L. Sayers

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

~ Spike Milligan

Ivanov: Gentlemen, you've again set up a drinking shop in my study... I have asked each and every one of you a thousand times not to do that... Look now, you've spilt vodka on a paper... and there are crumbs... and gherkins... It's disgusting!

~ Anton Chekhov