Humour Quotes

Uncle Vernon’s face worked furiously. The idea of being taught consideration by a man who had just blasted away half his living-room wall seemed to be causing him intense suffering.

~ J.k. Rowling

That's what yer little sister said,' said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. Met her jus' yesterday.' Hagrid looked sideways at Harry, his beard twitching. 'Said she was jus' lookin' round the grounds, but I reckon she was hopin' she might run inter someone else at my house.' He winked at Harry. 'If yeh ask me, she wouldn' say no ter a signed-''Oh, shut up,' said Harry. Ron snorted with laughter and the ground was sprayed with slugs.

~ J.k. Rowling

Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?’ ‘No, Ma.’ ‘Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the church?

~ Renita D'silva

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

~ Renita D'silva

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

~ Renita D'silva

It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

~ Andrew James Pritchard

lose weight, eat backwards.

~ Benny Bellamacina

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

~ Cory Doctorow

It was during Latin that the Austro-Hungarians arrived with their dogs and zombies to kill everyone at the Eden College for Young Ladies.

~ David Wake

But the sounds behind me tell me why. I risk a glance and see so many Zs on our asses that I wonder if they've been doing pilates all this time to get in shape for the great Whispering Pines mad-dash marathon.

~ Jake Bible

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I'd like to pull up my pants.

~ Alison Kemper

People say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. It's not. It's eye bloody spy.

~ Molly Looby

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

~ Molly Looby

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

~ Stephen Herfst

It is observed that Failed people can give a successful talk on hardwork.

~ Rahul Bodkhe

That you exist, is offense enough to arrest you.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

You're alright, I guess; for, you're just being you, like any other cuckoo.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

~ Walt Disney Company

One quick glance around the room and I realise that I have somehow stumbled into a wannabe serial killer convention. Every single person in the room looks as if they are concealing a weapon of some sort. My heart thuds rapidly in my chest as I sneak past an elderly man who grins lecherously at me, flashing his gold tooth. Oh dear God, I’m going to die!First, I get dumped – on my birthday no less – and now I’m going to get knifed in some seedy bar!

~ Joanne Mcclean

Oh yes, it's very tragic. Why does everyone always like love stories? What about absence-of-love stories? Aren't they much more common?

~ Gabrielle Zevin

Then she laughed for real, and put her hands around my neck. 'I am never, ever going to make things easy for you Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.' When she kissed me, I had the feeling my brain was melting right through my body. I could've stayed that way forever, except a voice behind us growled, 'Well it's about time!' Suddenly the pavilion was filled with torchlight and campers. Clarisse led the way as the eavesdroppers charged and hoisted us both onto their shoulders. 'Oh, come on!' I complained. 'Is there no privacy?' 'The lovebirds need to cool off!' Clarisse said with glee. 'The canoe lake!' Conner Stoll shouted. With a huge cheer, they carried us down the hill, but they kept us close enough to hold hands. Annabeth was laughing, and I couldn't help laughing too, even though my face was completely red. We held hands right up to the moment they dumped us in the water.

~ Rick Riordan

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

~ Rosen Trevithick

I'm pretty much awake now. (P) The last time I said that, I passed out in the bathtub. (I) I remember that. Neil covered you with towels and said that he found a mermaid. (P) You were so beautiful, Mummy. Like Ice Bird when he freezes the pigs. (N) Thank you, sweet. -- Ingrid, Paul and Neil.

~ Bailey Cunningham

Duke to Michel: I’m fairly certain that even ifyou’d struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.

~ Elias Zapple

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

~ H.g. Wells

But even if they could go home it would be difficult for me to tell you what the moral of the story is. In some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears', for instance, is Never break into someone else's house. The moral of 'Snow White' is Never eat apples. The moral of World War One is Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

~ Lemony Snicket

My favourite songs from literally all my favourite albums are usually always track 10. Coincidence? Conspiracy? Illuminati? Time will tell.

~ Tyler Hojberg

Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention.

~ Orson Scott Card

If I had free will, I would choose to be funnier.

~ Stephen Cave

Nick wanted to meet on campus at Love Library. (That was the actual name; thank you for your donation, Mayor Don Lathrop Love.)

~ Rainbow Rowell

The varying physical characteristics of the actors may also necessitate changes. Sean Connery is six feet four. Dustin Hoffman isn't.

~ Sidney Lumet

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

~ Stephen Colbert

There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame. By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and afterward depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir, you will gain much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime, and even robbing a church will get you cordially disliked, especially by the vicar. But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human creature can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby it.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

It went automatically to a heavy-weight mother with beetling eyebrows who looked as if she had just come from doing a spot of knitting at the foot of the guillotine.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

People talk about the joy of running--of the endorphins and reaching a Zen-like clarity of mind. This had never happened to me. Mostly, all I thought about when I ran was how much further I had to go before I could stop.

~ Laura Morrigan

A sense of humour is a sense of proportion.

~ Kahlil Gibran

...the more of a fool a man is, the less he cares to look like one

~ Joe Ambercrombie

There are times, Kruppe murmurs, when celibacy born of sad deprivation becomes a boon, nay, a source of great relief.

~ Steven Erikson

The homeland might be lacking snakes, but it held its share of venom.

~ Dorien Kelly

People who wear G-strings suffer from indecision.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana