Humour Quotes

I tried to make sense of things. Now that I think about it, I have always tried. It could be my epitaph. LEO GURSKY: HE TRIED TO MAKE SENSE.

~ Nicole Krauss

The course of true love never die run smooth

~ William Shakespeare

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Sometimes being given the elbow can turn out to be the best hand.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

~ Benny Bellamacina

My name is Mr Bread. He began writing his name neatly on the board. But you can call me Peter.Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.Pita Bread! proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.

~ David Walliams

I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

~ Russell Brand

And here, I believe, the wit is generally misunderstood. In reality, it lies in desiring another to kiss your a-- for having just before threatened to kick his; for I have observed very accurately, that no one ever desires you to kick that which belongs to himself, nor offers to kiss this part in another.

~ Henry Fielding

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

~ Zane Stumpo

You judge very properly, and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?

~ Jane Austen

Please don't arrest me.Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop.Are you sure?Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure.You could be undercover.

~ Derek Landy

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.Who was the test subject? asked Aurora.I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field.She stared at him. You zapped your own brain?And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.

~ Derek Landy

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

~ Derek Landy

Can you tell me the difference between a witch and a wizard?Sure, a wizard is what they call you when they want to hire you, and a witch is what they call you when they're getting ready to run you out of town.

~ Barbara Hambly

State your point. If the opposite party doesn't agree, state it harder- with a punch.

~ Jennifer Bernard

I’ve spoken to Sid,” she admits. “He says he’s never seen Charlie so bad. He won’t eat, he’s lost weight and he looks terrible. Sid says it’s the first time he’s ever been so bored by him that he’s considered smothering him.

~ Lily Morton

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

~ Dave Barry

Formerly these harsh cells in which the discipline of the prison leaves the condemned to himself were composed of four stone walls, a ceiling of stone, a pavement of tiles, a camp bed, a grated air-hole, a double iron door, and were called dungeons ; but the dungeon has been thought too horrible; now it is composed ofan iron door, a grated air-hole, a camp bed, a pavement of tiles, a ceiling of stone, four stone walls, and it is called punishment cell.

~ Victor Hugo

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

~ William Makepeace Thackeray

They regarded our passage not at all, and by the afternoon I felt no more significant than an ant. I had never thought to be disdained by a tree.

~ Robin Hobb

With sociology one can do anything and call it work.

~ Malcolm Bradbury

He finds himself bored by the shenanigans of highly spirited young men. Their concerns reside somewhere between balder and dash.

~ Sara Sheridan

Give a man a proverb,and he’ll muse for a moment.Teach a man to find the verb in every proverb,and he’ll walk in wisdom for a lifetime.

~ Cameron Semmens

There was something strangely compelling about a Japanese guy with lamb-chop sideburns and a voice so shrill you could be forgiven for thinking his testicles were wired to the national grid.

~ Jamie Holoran

No one likes sarcasm, Miss Cain. I’ve merely delayed my exit to promise you something. You took my straight razor, li’l darlin’. That I view as an unforgivable offense. So when the time comes, when you have served your purpose, I swear to you I’m gonna kill you for free.” And with that, Billy-Ray Sanguine disappeared into the ground. Then he popped his head back up. “Or at least half price.” And he was gone again.

~ Derek Landy

I have no problem with god - it's his fan club that scares me.

~ A.b. Potts

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

~ Terry Pratchett

We did photograph albums, best dresses, favourite novels, and once someone's own novel. It was about a week in a telephone box with a pair of pyjamas called Adolf Hitler. The heroine was a piece of string with a knot in it.

~ Jeanette Winterson

Hmmm... that's interesting.What?There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

~ Derek Landy

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

~ Derek Landy

Humour is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

~ Virginia Woolf

The difficulty with humourists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

~ John Updike

The teller of a mirthful tale has latitude allowed him. We are content with less than absolute truth.

~ Charles Lamb

He that jokes confesses.

~ Italian Proverb

There are things of deadly earnest that can only be safely mentioned under cover of a joke.

~ J. J. Procter

Humour is the only test of gravity and gravity of humour for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

~ Aristotle

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

~ Will Rogers

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.

~ Peter Mcarthur

Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.

~ James Thurber

The best definition of humour I know is: humour may be defined as the kindly contemplation of the incongruities of life and the artistic expression thereof. I think this is the best I know because I wrote it myself.

~ Stephen Leacock