Sarcasm Quotes

If only there was enough space on this tiny card to evoke my unfettered joie de vivre for what you have done. The gaiety, the mirth, the heavenly bubbling of every effusive cell that sings inside me for your kind and pithy offering.

~ Joshua Braff

Most wives fuck their husbands, just to ensure financial support. Marriage is just a form of legalized prostitution, when you really thought about it.

~ K. Syrah

And I know I'm sarcastic and defensive and I make a joke out of everything and am highly resistant to anything that reeks of sentimental corniness, but I'm giving you my heart anyway because being with you feels like home, and I know you won't break it.

~ Shauna Cross

Since you stand in the same bridge with him why don't you two just jump off.

~ Sitta Karina

Caro: Bite me.Ruby: I gave that up in kindergarten.

~ Kristin Hannah

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, That'd better be your gun. Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off.[Landon]

~ Patrice Michelle

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!

~ George Carlin

...Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

~ Mercedes Lackey

...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.

~ Elizabeth Peters

Time for the likeliest story since Mary told Joseph it was God’s.

~ Val Mcdermid

October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

~ Mark Twain

Have you noticed we can breathe in here too?Gosh, I wouldn't have picked up on that.

~ Dan Abnett

I'm working from the assumption it's going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we're calling it a win.Merit/Jonah

~ Chloe Neill

If you are rude, cynical, habitually-sarcastic or pessimistic, your life options are going to be very limited.

~ Bryant Mcgill

Hello?” I peered into the shadows.Two green circles flashed in the dark. I yelped, jumping backward and pressing myself against the wall.“And may I wish a very good morning to you, too, October.” The voice was amused, underscored by a chuckle like thick cream. “What happened? Did the prettiest little princess miss her carriage home?

~ Seanan Mcguire

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word.“That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear.“Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

~ B.c. Morin

Excuse me if I feel skeptical,' I said. 'Coach's foot fell off. How exactly do you propose to cure that? Superglue?

~ Carrie Harris

I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him.'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated.

~ Melina Marchetta

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

~ Jonathan Stroud

Vegard and Riston's job today was to guard and protect me. And considering that I was in a tower room in the Guardians' citadel, it looked like a pretty plum assignment. I mean, how much trouble could a girl get into under heavy guard in a tower room? Notice I didn't ask that question out loud. No need to rub Fate's nose in something when I'd been tempting her enough lately.Phaelan had generously his guard services as well, just in case something happened to me that my Guardian bodyguards couldn't handle. Phaelan's guard-on-duty stance resembled his pirate-on-shore-leave stane of leaning back in a chair with his feet up, but instead of a tavern table, his boots were doing a fine job of holding down the windowsill. I don't know how I'd ever felt safe without him.

~ Lisa Shearin

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it.

~ Cath Crowley

You want me to spy on a National Colour operative?''Wow,' she said, 'you got it. I thought I was going to have to explain that one for a lot longer.

~ Jasper Fforde

If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all.

~ Joe Hill

Coincidences are like unicorns.you can believe in them all you want,but that doesn't make them real

~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

I've heard that sarcasm is no substitute for cleverness

~ Meredith Duran

Your cell phone is on the nightstand. Call me immediately if something changes. I don’t care if you are merely dizzy or if you start seeing pink dragons, do you understand?” I solemnly swear I will call you the second a pink dragon shows up.

~ Jessica Fortunato

Alessa looked at Brennus giving him a smirk.“Brennus.”“Alessa.”“Still think that you are the God’s gift to all faeries?”“Still trying to convince yourself that I am not?” Brennus responded smirking arrogantly and leaning back in his chair.

~ B.c. Morin

Okay, can you pass yourself off as a magician and gain Gerald's trust and pass us information about Celeste's plans and save all the magicians who want to be saved? Jaime asked. Because if so awesome. I shall stay here and eat pie.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

The students adore your father,' a perfumed woman said to me. 'Aren't you lucky to live with such a charming man!''He's even more charming at home,' Mom said. 'Isn't he, Bea? He rides a unicycle through the house -''- even up and down the stairs,' I added.'He juggles eggs as he makes breakfast every morning -''- which he serves to us in bed of course,' I said.'- and pulls fragrant bouquets out of his ass,' Mom finished.'He's just a joy.

~ Natalie Standiford

Ready? Jaime echoed. Yes, yes, I am ready. I am ready to drink a lot of liquids and lie on the sofa moaning faintly all day long. That is what I am ready for. I cannot engage in physical activity of any sort or my head will fall right off. Is that what you want Nick? Because if so, I find that hurtful.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

And you are going to get her far away from here. Keep her hidden.” She planted her hands on her hips. “And here we were just keeping her holed up in a tiny little house in a completely random mining sector. Why didn’t it ever occur to us to try and keep her hidden?” Kinney’s face was unreadable for a long moment before he asked, “You understand sarcasm?” “Of course I understand sarcasm,” she spat. “It’s not like it’s theoretical physics, is it?” The guard’s jaw worked for a moment, before he shook his head and turned away.

~ Marissa Meyer

Well, how do we get out of this place?” Evyette’s voice shaking slightly.“We can’t.” If Kaleb felt any hopelessness he wasn’t conveying it. He looked around arduously, “Unless we find someone willing to help us.”“Oh well, that should not be a problem at all,” Tristan retorted throwing his hands up, “considering everything so far has tried to kill us!

~ B.c. Morin

I stood for almost an hour in a line of shuffling, bitter - eyed late mailers (Christmas is such a carefree, low - pressure time - that's one of the things I love about it),...

~ Stephen King

That was Hunter,' said Quinn as his father's footsteps faded away.'I figured. Since he said to call him Hunter and everything.

~ Jennifer Sturman

I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't.

~ Cynder

For the first time, but certainly not the last, I began to believe that Arsenal's moods and fortunes somehow reflected my own

~ Nick Hornby

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. 'Hungry?' she asked Geary.'I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?''No. It’s . . .' She squinted at the label. 'Spicy chicken curry.''A chicken curry ration bar? How are they?'Taking a small bite, Desjani chewed slowly, pretending not to be aware that everyone on the bridge was watching her instead of staring at the representation of the alien hypernet gate. 'It’s definitely got curry in it. Spicy, not so much. Some of the other stuff tastes like chicken.''That doesn’t narrow it down too much, does it?' Geary said.'Every kind of meat in a ration bar tastes like chicken, Captain,' Lieutenant Castries suggested. 'Except the chicken.''You’re right, Lieutenant,' Desjani said. 'Real chicken in ration bars tastes like, what, mutton?''Ham,' Yuon tossed in. 'Bad ham.''So this can’t be chicken because it tastes like chicken,' Desjani concluded.

~ Jack Campbell

Oh no, Nick Jaime said in tones of supremely unconvincing shock, how could you? When my back was turned for one momement. And my food was so delicious.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

What's next? You want to convince me they're making another crap Last Airbender movie?

~ Cassandra Clare