Witty Quotes

We are entrusting thousands of strangers with our innermost thoughts and feelings, and then we're expecting them to be careful with those feelings. As much as we want it to be, the Internet is not a safe space. It is not a place where we can lay our burdens down and heal. Why? Because there are too many people there who do not give an ounce of a shit about our well-being. They do not deserve our rawness, and they will not treat it with care.

~ Luvvie Ajayi

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

~ Christopher Moore

Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. “I’m not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

~ Mark A. Cooper

I wonder now how we got by when you weren't here.I have no doubt the devastation was widespread, the suffering universal.Indeed, it was the Dark Ages in the annals of Mrs. Dawlish's house. Ignorance was thick on the ground, and unenlkghtenment befogged all the windows.

~ Sherry Thomas

My wit is only as stupid as the audience.

~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

~ Zane Stumpo

The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.

~ George R.r. Martin

A technicality I'm prepared to hide wildly behind.

~ Jim Butcher

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

~ Oscar Wilde

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.

~ George W. Bush

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

~ Jandy Nelson

I wasn't used to guys making me blush, and I wasn't sure why he even was making me blush.

~ Holly Hood

Talking to them was like being placed into conversational purgatory, with no hope of being released without significant damage to one's self-esteem.

~ Elizabeth Eulberg

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that’s the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch)

~ Tim Dorsey

Make sure it is God's trumpet you are blowing- if it is only yours it won't wake the dead, it will simply disturb the neighbours.

~ W. Ian Thomas

Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.

~ Steve Kluger

I'll take a redrum with a rellik please.

~ Brian Celio

He had not the makings of that honest man to whom success comes naturally.

~ James Jones

I'll be sure not to let anyone but you carry me in her arms. He turns and leaves the kitchen before I can figure out what to make of his comment. A sense of humor is one more thing I don't think angels should have. The fact that his sense of humor is corny makes it even more wrong.

~ Susan Ee

And then the second thing you have to do is go and see your son. That is a duty of love, Andrew. It's as simple as that. A duty of love. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

~ Alexander Mccall Smith

He was as obsequious as a Japanese ivy plant. Wringing his hands as if he hoped to squeeze the milk of human kindness from his fingernails, ...

~ Philip Kerr

Why Fight When You Can Negotiate?

~ Captain Jack Sparrow

Good,’ he said. ‘Cause Maggie’s all the nightmare I can take.’I smiled. ‘Gus, I never knew you dreamed of me.’He gave me a one-fingered salute.

~ Jessica Shirvington

Now it's my turn to give you advice. The tightened his grip, eliminating any doubt about whether he was as ready for this as she was. Any time you're talking about having hot, dirty sex that makes you come so hard your whole world turns neon, the last thing you want to bring into the conversation is the word 'little'.

~ Avery Flynn

Ranta: Let's just pray that she actually is a tsundere... Though, if she were a tsundere, obviously, the one she'd go dere for is me, you know? That's kind of... not so bad, I guess?Moguzo: O-Obviously, she wouldn't go dere for Ranta, I think...Ranta: Oh, shut up, Moguzo!

~ Ao Jyumonji

PU'RIST: one superstitiously nice in the use of words.

~ Samuel Johnson

How unlucky that you should have a reasonable answer to give, and that I should be so reasonable as to admit it!

~ Jane Austen

... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation.

~ Ken Follett

If the Good Lord had intended us to crawl, he'd have given us a hundred legs and an exosqueleton.

~ Tom Holt

Actually, the situation was intolerable. But then it was surprising how much intolerableness a man could tolerate.

~ Philip José Farmer

I'd sneer and tell him he's got the cerebral finesse of an amoeba and delight in his squint of confusion.

~ Craig Silvey

You been mud wrestling..?' 'Only with my conscience.' 'Really? Who won?' 'Well, it was one of those rare occasions when violence really doesn't solve anything.

~ Iain M. Banks

My libido was like a Golden Retriever puppy, ready to jump all over him and lick his face.Down, girl.

~ Sarina Bowen

Experience was something it was difficult to avoid, though many people had managed to keep it to a minimum.

~ Philip José Farmer

Auntie Wu took special pride in two of her accomplishments--the sons she bore and the flowers she grew. They were equally useless, but the flowers smelled better.

~ Kay Honeyman

One thing I can say for sure is that she was very clever. Not in the way others expect you to be – intelligent, witty and concise, but in the way people should be: creative and consistent.

~ J.a. George

Your--ah--intervention, shall we say, has simplified things in the palace enormously. We no longer have to worry about Salmissra's whims and peculiar appetites. We rule by committee, and we hardly ever find it necessary to poison each other anymore. No one's tried to poison me for months.

~ David Eddings

It's not so bad.Melancholia looked at her. You're lying.I'll get used to it. So will you.I... I don't think I'll be able to.I'll be there to help when you need it.But I hate you.Valkyrie smiled. No you don't.No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff.We actually became friends in those caves.That's not what happened, said Melancholia.We're pals. We're buddies.” If my wrists weren't in shackles, my hands would be round your throat.You want to hug my throat because we're friends.

~ Derek Landy