Dave Barry Quotes

What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

~ Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

~ Dave Barry

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

~ Dave Barry

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

~ Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

~ Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

~ Dave Barry

You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you're the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright.

~ Dave Barry

Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'.

~ Dave Barry

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

~ Dave Barry

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

~ Dave Barry

Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example.

~ Dave Barry

Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.

~ Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics, this is how we stay objective.

~ Dave Barry

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

~ Dave Barry

You're only young once but you can always be immature.

~ Dave Barry

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

~ Dave Barry

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

~ Dave Barry

I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.

~ Dave Barry

We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.

~ Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

~ Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

~ Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

~ Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

~ Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

~ Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

~ Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

~ Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

~ Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

~ Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

~ Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

~ Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

~ Dave Barry

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

~ Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

~ Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

~ Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

~ Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

~ Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

~ Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

~ Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

~ Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

~ Dave Barry