Eoin Colfer Quotes

Who or what inspires you?I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.

~ Eoin Colfer

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.

~ Eoin Colfer

Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.

~ Eoin Colfer

He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.

~ Eoin Colfer

Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down.

~ Eoin Colfer

In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter—they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.

~ Eoin Colfer

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope,' I replied.

~ Eoin Colfer

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story--''Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain?

~ Eoin Colfer

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Butler.“Are you sure you’re at the library? I thought I heard water.”Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. “Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.”“Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours.

~ Eoin Colfer

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.''Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?''This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.

~ Eoin Colfer

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

~ Eoin Colfer

Toadstool mandarins are a form of toxic jellyfish whose tentacles are loaded with entheogenic venom. The effects of a mandarin sting are threefold. The first is a sharp stinging sensation; the second a nasty red welt, which may fester if not treated with a salve of toadstool mandarin doodoo. And the third is a bold of self-awareness, thanks to the entheogens in the venom. Having been stung, a victim's typical reaction will be something like:Owww. Zark, that hurts.Then:Oh no. Look at this nasty red welt. I'm in the swimsuit competition later.And finally:What? I'm a latent misogynist with father issues!If a person is allergic to mandarin venom, one sting will prompt total self-awareness, leading to either immediate catatonia or a career as a talk show pundit.

~ Eoin Colfer

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.

~ Eoin Colfer

That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.

~ Eoin Colfer

Conor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one like you.

~ Eoin Colfer

A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.

~ Eoin Colfer

Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?

~ Eoin Colfer

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.

~ Eoin Colfer

Good. Illegal is always faster.

~ Eoin Colfer

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.

~ Eoin Colfer

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment.

~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was...She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.

~ Eoin Colfer

How could you...? How?Logically you have no right to be angry. I simply followed your l

~ Eoin Colfer

They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened.

~ Eoin Colfer

Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.

~ Eoin Colfer

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.

~ Eoin Colfer

How did that go” [Butler] asked. “Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age.”“Fabulous,” said Artemis, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “We’re planning a June wedding.

~ Eoin Colfer

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice.

~ Eoin Colfer

Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.

~ Eoin Colfer

Some people just needed to be stolen from.

~ Eoin Colfer

Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.

~ Eoin Colfer

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.

~ Eoin Colfer

No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?

~ Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

~ Eoin Colfer

... desperate times required judicious risk-taking.

~ Eoin Colfer

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.

~ Eoin Colfer

The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concerned about the past than the present.

~ Eoin Colfer

What's this? he inquired, none too pleasantly. A circus?No, Julius. It's the end of the circus.I see. And these are the clowns?Foaly's head poked through the doorway.Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?

~ Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating.

~ Eoin Colfer

The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish.

~ Eoin Colfer