Funny Quotes

And honestly, given the choice of facing my mother or a vampire, I think I'd always choose the latter.

~ Krystle Jones

Everyone loves a kick-ass girl. (Well- maybe not her enemies, but you know what I mean.)

~ Sarah Cross

Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

~ Doug Solter

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

~ Shannon L. Alder

It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will cause an incident

~ Caitlin Moran

It wasn't like there was a dating and mating website for bear shifters. If there had been, its mascot would have been that yellow Care Bear with the heart on its stomach.

~ Lila Felix

Hormones, it seemed, we're making a much-delayed appearance in her life.Liv was horrified.

~ Danika Stone

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off.

~ Oliver Markus

I attacked him, he healed me, then he took me hunting, I threatened him, and he took me home. Wow. That was like a date.

~ Juliann Whicker

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'THAT WAS IT.I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication.

~ Aziz Ansari

Can I speak to Sayvyer, please?”“You’re looking for the savior? At 1:15 a.m.?”“No. her name’s Sayvyer.”“There’s no savior here. Especially not at 1:15 a.m.

~ Zack Love

It's all chop-change chop-change with you. Either go out with me and treat me nicely, or leave me alone. As I say, I am not interested in fuckwittage.

~ Helen Fielding

I try to hook you up every day. What's the point of calendars without dates?

~ Lauren Kate

Do you like my brother? And there goes Dan's confidence. He keeps his eyes resolutely on the field. Uh... yes? I mean... I think everyone likes your brother, don't they? She leans over and gives him a little hip check. No, you know what I mean. Do you /like/ him? Dan just states out at the horses, hoping that one of them will do something, anything, to distract this girl from her question. But the horses just keep grazing and Tat continues. 'Cause he likes you. I mean, he likes Jeff, too, but... you can like two people at once, right? Uh... yes? I think you can like two people at once. Yeah. I know it's none of my business or whatever, but... I just wanted to make sure you know... if you like him, that's cool with me. I mean, I like Jeff too, but... you know. Dan has a brief moment of wanting to shake her. No, he /doesn't/ know. Is everything really so clear to everyone but him? Is he just adding extra complications where they don't need to be? Then he remembers that he's talking to a fifteen-year-old girl. Maybe she shouldn't be the arbiter of what's simple or complicated. He realizes that she's still waiting for a response from him. Okay, well... thanks for letting me know. Are you guys going to, like... date?Sweet Jesus, Tat, I don't know! Possibly that's a bit of an overreaction, but she looks more amused than upset. All right, all right.... She gets a mischievous look in her eyes.

~ Kate Sherwood

I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending.And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.

~ Libba Bray

I'm going to put the moves on her,' he says gravely. 'Things might get weird.' He says it like a commando setting up a midnight raid. Like: Sure, this is going to be extraordinarily dangerous, but don't worry. I've done it before.

~ Robin Sloan

When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life.

~ Annette Curtis Klause

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

~ Criss Jami

my problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks... it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far better to live this gambling life than living in boring average ...they at least make my art more interesting

~ Hiroko Sakai

ONLY' having the Gift, people appreciate this madness as Art. Everybody wants to have Art in their lives, but no body wants to have what the Art came out from in their lives...

~ Hiroko Sakai

You can't stop the gears of capitalism. But you can always be a pain in the ass.

~ Jarett Kobek

I'm sorry. The Truth

~ Junko

One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, Nice tits. Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, Suck my dick.

~ Tina Fey

Time heals all wounds. Unless they're infected. Like gangrene. That shit'll kill you.

~ Johnny Moscato

The people who are scared of ghosts are the ones who discuss most about them.

~ Abhishek Krishnan

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

~ Jane Dentinger

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

~ Tyler Barton

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

~ Stephanie Bramson

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

~ Tiffany Ferentini

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

~ Carolyn Drake

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

~ Ifra Asad

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

~ S.a. Tawks

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

~ Neetesh Dixit

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

~ Zack Love

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police, whom, he is sure, will be glad to have them back.

~ Molly Meadows

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scumbag Thieves,If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver’s seat with this message:Here’s $500. It’s the best we can do until the holidays.P.S. Get some decent tires, why don’t you. We couldn’t sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them.

~ Molly Meadows

Invalidating a woman’s life choices by saying things like, “Oh, but you’ll regret it if you don’t have kids,” or, “I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley.

~ Jen Kirkman

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

~ Brandon Sanderson

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.

~ Jen Kirkman