Funny Quotes

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

~ G.g. Silverman

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a fucking weirdo.

~ Jen Kirkman

Love? Love is for children and poor people...

~ Molly Harper

Well, bloody noses. I hug his coat tighter. Those are definitely hot.

~ Stephanie Perkins

JACKYou're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.GWENDOLENOh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.

~ Oscar Wilde

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

~ H.m. Ward

And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll-Kaname KuranI DONT WANT IT!-Zero KiryuHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Juri Elizabeth Marin

~ Matsuri Hino

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

~ Kristen Ashley

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

~ Anonymous

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

~ H.m. Ward

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, Not as scary as the boogie woman.

~ Randy Kagan

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

~ Sol Luckman

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

~ Sol Luckman

If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....

~ John Branyan

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

~ Josh Stern

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

~ Josh Stern

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

~ Sol Luckman

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.

~ Chuck Lorre

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

~ M.j. Mcguire

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

~ The Covert Comic

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

~ The Covert Comic

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

~ The Covert Comic

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

~ The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

~ The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

~ The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

~ The Covert Comic

Every Friday is black where I work.

~ The Covert Comic

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

~ The Covert Comic

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

~ The Covert Comic

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

~ The Covert Comic

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

~ Laurie Notaro

The old agility was still present and the passion was undeniable, but it was the wobbling of the gut, the puffing of the cheeks and the profuse sweating that lent the performance its true magic.

~ Jamie Holoran

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

~ Bill Hicks

It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer. Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.

~ Kaal Kaczmarek

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

~ Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

~ Daniel Tosh

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

~ Mindy Levy

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

~ Lisa Papademetriou

Dogs are angels full of poop.

~ Oliver Gaspirtz