Humor Quotes

When you are unemployed, weekends are seven days long.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

[Today's high schoolers are required to read] a couple of Shakespeare plays...the couple of Shakespeare plays function as an inoculation – that is, you get exposed to 'half-dead Shakespeare virus', and it keeps you from ever loving Shakespeare again, your whole life long. It would be much better if they didn't do that at all!Because [the students] have no linguistic preparation for it, and no cultural or historical preparation for it. They've not been reading English poetry, so the language strikes them as completely bizarre […] and they have no historical place to put it, so they don't know what's going on. All they know is that they're 'supposed to like it'.

~ Anthony M. Esolen

We usually learn from debates that we seldom learn from debates.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I was trying to decide if you still had free will as a wolf. If I was a terrible person for planning to drug my girlfriend and drag her back to my house to keep in the basement.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Trying to fall out of love is like trying to climb a mountain. Blindfolded, on crutches, naked in a hail storm.

~ Louise Caiola

Pundits are always blaming TV for making people stupid, movies for desensitizing the world to violence, and rock music for making kids take drugs and kill themselves. These things should be the least of our worries. The main problem with mass media is that it makes it impossible to fall in love with any acumen of normalcy. There is no 'normal,' because everybody is being twisted by the same sources simultaneously.

~ Chuck Klosterman

Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night and cries when it isn’t sucking on various parts of your anatomy. It wants you there for everything – rocking, feeding, burping, changing... It’s ridiculous. If I wanted a kid I would have one. Until then, grow the hell up and stand on your own two feet, you little crazy.

~ Chase Brooks

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.

~ Michael Summers

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she'd been on. The last PROPER date. Did fighting side by side with Saracen Rue count as a date? They ended up snuggling under the moonlight, drenched in gore and pieces of brain - so it had PROBABLY been a date. If it wasn't, it was certainly a fun time had by all. Well, not ALL. But she and Saracen had sure had a blast.

~ Derek Landy

They (penguins) then fall madly in love and live happily ever after.-And so you ask yourself: If a penguin can have a worthwhile, stimulating relationship, why the hell can't I?-Or maybe you ask yourself: Would I be happier if I started dating a penguin

~ Bradley Trevor Greive

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don't want to spend it arguing with you.

~ Jenny Trout

Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.

~ Erin Mccarthy

I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.

~ Amy Sommers

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

~ Criss Jami

And since I’m marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you’re sleeping with Laurel—”“I’m not sleeping with Laurel. We’re dating.”“Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs.”“For a while. Minus the singing.

~ Nora Roberts

I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

~ Michael Summers

The best defense is a confusing offense.

~ Kimberly Pauley

God is even in a single parent household.

~ Karen Salmansohn

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted makeup.Forget the laughs, forget the fights, forget the sex, forget the jealousy. But take off your hat and observe a moment's silence for the legions of unknown tubes of foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blusher and lipstick who died that it might all have been possible. But who died in vain.

~ Marian Keyes

I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.

~ Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night... you were there.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it.

~ Michael Summers

For someone who is supposed to be a knight in shining armor, you're acting like an ass in aluminum foil.

~ Lisa Logue

I don't talk with everybody because i am not everybody, i am single.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming 'I'm melting.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.

~ Bauvard

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.

~ Mark Gungor

I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy.

~ Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.

~ Amy Sommers

I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.

~ Nicole Mckay

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.

~ Amy Sommers

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

~ Greg Behrendt

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!''Talk?' He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. 'We talk all the time, Raine. I've never had such talkative sex.''That's just it!' She wiggled, flailed, but couldn't budge him. 'Two minutes alone with you, and I'm flat on my back. Every single time!'A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. 'Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top?

~ Shannon Mckenna

Miro, I'm so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect and . . . now I realize that just getting through the day without killing somebody can be an achievement.It gets to be a habit. Most of us manage to keep our body count quite low. It's the neighborly way to live.

~ Orson Scott Card

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

~ Bauvard

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

~ Anita Clenney