Humor Quotes

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

~ Will Rogers

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

~ Bette Midler

What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?

~ Charles M. Schulz

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

~ George Carlin

I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!

~ Dr. Seuss

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

~ John Green

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

~ George Carlin

Life sucks, and then you die...

~ Stephenie Meyer

If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.

~ Taylor Swift

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

~ Antoine De Saint-Exupéry

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

~ Winston S. Churchill

Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.

~ Joss Whedon

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

~ Lily Tomlin

They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they're all the same.

~ Kurt Cobain

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

~ Mikhail Bulgakov

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

~ Anna Godbersen

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.

~ Stephen Chbosky

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

~ Chuck Palahniuk

You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?

~ David Nicholls

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

~ Anne Lamott

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

~ Thomas Bernhard

It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.

~ Karen Marie Moning

Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?

~ Salvador Dalí

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.

~ Tennessee Williams

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

~ Barney Stinson

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

~ Dr. Seuss

Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

~ Don Roff

We lay there and looked up at the night sky and she told me about stars called blue squares and red swirls and I told her I'd never heard of them. Of course not, she said, the really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own.

~ Brian Andreas

All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't,' — which is just another way of saying that you can't.

~ Richard Feynman

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!

~ Karl Marx

If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day,You have to go places quite out of the way,You have to go places no others can get to.You have to get cold and you have too get wet, too.

~ Dr. Seuss

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

~ Albert Einstein

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

~ Harry Truman

Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)

~ Douglas Adams

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

~ Anthony Horowitz

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

~ George Bernard Shaw

Congratulations!Today is your day.You're off to Great Places!You're off and away!

~ Dr. Seuss

The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.

~ Anne Lamott