Humor Quotes

God helps those who strut their stuff.

~ Dan Sofer

You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one -Henrietta Barett

~ Julia Quinn

Vote for the man who promises least, he'll be the least disappointing.

~ Bernard M. Baruch

We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.

~ Will Smith

In the end, everything is a gag.

~ Charlie Chaplin

In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen

~ Stephen King

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.

~ Benjamin Franklin

Hearts can't be broken because they're made of marzipan.

~ Kerstin Gier

That's chess! snapped Ron. You've got to make some sacrifices!

~ J.k. Rowling

Life is All About How you Handle Plan BPlan A is always my first choice.You know, the one whereEverything works out to beHappily ever-after.But more often than not,I find myself dealing withThe upside-down, inside-out version --Where nothing goes as it should.It's at this point that the realTest of my character comes in..Do I sink, or do I swim?Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim,Or simply shift gearsAnd make the best of the situation?The choice is all mine...Life is all about how you handle Plan B.

~ Suzy Toronto

I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.

~ Sojourner Truth

Don't count your owls before they are delivered.

~ J.k. Rowling

And...I think that's what life is all about, actually,about children and flowers.

~ Audrey Hepburn

You don't have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

~ Viggo Mortensen

Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.

~ Karen Blixen

On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,and I have nothing else to do,I sometimes wonder if it's true That who is what and what is who. - Winnie-the-Pooh

~ A.a. Milne

The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.

~ Martin Amis

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' I said. 'By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not.

~ Sherman Alexie

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.

~ Paul Graham

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.' … The twenty-five percent is for error.

~ Linus Pauling

Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

~ Salman Aditya

I liked things better when I didn't understand them.

~ Bill Watterson

A real scientist solves problems, not wails that they are unsolvable.

~ Anne Mccaffrey

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.Watch exercise shows on television, but don't do the exercises. Practice believing that the benefit lies in imagining yourself doing the exercises.Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.

~ S.a.r.k.

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.

~ Nikola Tesla

Sometimes, there is no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day.

~ Antoine De Saint-Exupéry

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

~ Albert Einstein

So many books, so little time.

~ Frank Zappa

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

~ Jane Austen

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

~ Groucho Marx

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

~ Steve Martin

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

~ Mark Twain

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

~ Douglas Adams

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

~ Garrison Keillor

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

~ Charles M. Schulz

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

~ Paul Terry

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

~ John Green

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

~ Groucho Marx