Humor Quotes

The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

~ Douglas Adams

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

~ Terry Pratchett

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

~ George Carlin

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

~ Benjamin Franklin Wade

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

~ Suzanne Collins

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

~ Charles J. Sykes

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

~ Markus Herz

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

~ Terry Johnson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

~ Rita Mae Brown

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

~ Lemony Snicket

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

~ Terry Pratchett

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

~ J.k. Rowling

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

~ J.k. Rowling

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?Yes.You called her a liar?Yes.You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?Yes.Have a biscuit, Potter.

~ J.k. Rowling

Never memorize something that you can look up.

~ Albert Einstein

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

~ Groucho Marx

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

~ Oscar Levant

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

~ Terry Pratchett

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

~ Cassandra Clare

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

~ Billy Sunday

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very,' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

~ Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

~ Mark Twain

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

~ Jane Austen

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

~ George Carlin

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code will be enforced. 4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds. 5. Our football team will win the championship this year. 6. We expect more of you here. 7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen. 8. Your schedule was created with you in mind. 9. Your locker combination is private. 10. These will be the years you look back on fondly. TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. You will use algebra in your adult lives. 2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away. 3. Students must stay on campus during lunch. 4. The new text books will arrive any day now. 5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores. 6. We are enforcing the dress code. 7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon. 8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals. 9. There is nothing wrong with summer school. 10. We want to hear what you have to say.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

~ Laurence J. Peter

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, Why god? Why me? and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.

~ Stephen King

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, Why god? Why me? and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.

~ Stephen King

What the hell is that? I laughed.It's my fox hat.Your fox hat?Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.Why are you wearing your fox hat? I asked.Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

~ John Green

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

~ Douglas Adams

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

~ Bertrand Russell

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

~ Henry Ward Beecher

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

~ Mark Twain

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

~ W.c. Fields

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

~ Mae West

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Happiness is a warm puppy.

~ Charles M. Schulz

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,Go throw your TV set away,And in its place you can installA lovely bookshelf on the wall.Then fill the shelves with lots of books.

~ Roald Dahl

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

~ Dr. Seuss