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Humor quote from classy quote

Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.

~ Eleanor Hallowell Abbott

Eleanor Hallowell Abbott Doughnuts Funny Humor

Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as my arm. That’s like being f****d by a limb dude!” She wiggled her arm back and forth. “That's not normal.

~ Erin Jamison

Erin Jamison Anatomy Funny Girlfriends Humor Men Sex Size Women

What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. I have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.

~ David Macaulay

David Macaulay Funny Humor Inspirational

boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin?

~ Frank

Frank Funny Gin Humor Nice

Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.

~ John Chaplin

John Chaplin Death Funny Humor Inspirational Life Satire

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?

~ Robin Alexander

Robin Alexander Funny Funny Humor Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

~ Mitch Albom

Mitch Albom Dance Funny Humor Humour Music Rhythm

Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor’s corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor’s head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away — an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system.

~ Robert Kroese

Robert Kroese Funny Humor Humorous Quotes

Last time I saw her, she was peeking out from one of the bookcases next to the fireplace. She's the first cat I've ever seen trying to pretend she's a condensed version of War and Peace.

~ Ellen Hart

Ellen Hart Cat Cats Cats And Dogs Cats Vs Dogs Funny Hide Hiding Humor Humour

He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword.

~ Robert Kroese

Robert Kroese Funny Humor Humorous Quotes

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

~ Isaac Asimov

Isaac Asimov Funny Ghosts Humor

It seems Washinoo didn't mind being kidnapped by lunatics. He remained with Yoshitsune until the very end.

~ Pamela S Turner

Pamela S Turner Funny Humor Samurai

If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll show them exactly how multifunctional the utensil can be.

~ Jennifer Ellision

Jennifer Ellision Forks Funny Humor Meals

Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door for four minutes, then waiting another ten, she decided she’d probably have to find someplace else to crash today She wished she’d taken the time to actually have a few friends.

~ A. Lee Martinez

A. Lee Martinez Funny Humor Martinez

Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema? Do I do both? Do I do the abdominal message or the colonic? Do I tell the doctors about each other? East meets West in Gilda's body: Western medicine down my throat, Eastern medicine up my butt.

~ Gilda Radner

Gilda Radner Funny Humor Medicine

I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.

~ Vann Chow

Vann Chow Bravery Courage Funny Hero Humor Humorous Inspirational Loser Plot Story

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

~ Joyce Rachelle

Joyce Rachelle Cake Desserts Eating Foodie Funny Humor Humorous Humour Humourous Procrastination Productivity Sweet Tooth Sweets

I look around, hoping I can postpone the indignity of stuttering like a lunatic in front of the sexiest man alive – according to People magazine, twice – while giving him crazy eyes. Of course, everyone looks like they’re taken care of. Except for Mr. Sexypants, major Hollywood actor, Nathanial Stone, Sir.

~ D.l. Hess

D.l. Hess Celebrities Celebrity Cute Meet Funny Funny Meeting Funny Romantic Humor Meet Cute Meeting Meeting Celebrities Meetings Romantic Romantic Humor Sir

Yeah. Of course I can do simple math. I graduated high school, ya know.”“What an accomplishment. No one has ever done that before.

~ S.a. Stovall

S.a. Stovall Banter Funny Humor Satire

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores.

~ Kelly Moran

Kelly Moran Cowboy Romance Credit Score Funny Humor Myth Orgasm Sex

This is nice,' Melody said, picking up a red leather box with a vintage watch inside.'Yes, it is nice. It's the watch I gave Walker as a wedding gift.''He gave it back?''Actually, he sold it back to the person I bought it from who alerted me and I reacquired it.''I'm sorry. That sounds upsetting.''It was. Very. Especially since he sold the watch to buy combs for my long hair and without knowing what he had done I sold my hair to buy a leather case for this watch.

~ Cynthia D'aprix Sweeney

Cynthia D'aprix Sweeney Funny Humor Literature Reference The Gift Of The Magi

Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.

~ John Kennebrew

John Kennebrew Comedy Funny Humor Immortality

My phone buzzed in the center console again.What's happening with this thing? Dad grabbed it.Dad, really? I didn't want him to see the texts between Dash and me. Awkward.He says he knew it.The traffic opened up, and I went right on Sunset. Please don't scroll.Knew what?I have no idea, and I'm driving. So forget it for

~ C.d. Reiss

C.d. Reiss Funny Humor Parents Texting

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me.  And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.”“But murdering me, that’s all good?

~ Trevion Burns

Trevion Burns Friends Funny Humor Interracial Romance Ir Romance Suspense Thriller

Merrick and I had both had tattoos, my magpie and his elephant and castle, imposed on us as…it’s a long story. A reward, or apology, or both, from the Dragon Head, or grand master, of one of the larger criminal organisations in China after we accidentally saved his son’s life.”“Accidentally?”“It’s a VERY long story.

~ K.j. Charles

K.j. Charles Accident China Chinese Funny Humor Humour Kj Charles Tattoo Tattoos The Magpie Lord

Do you remember—”“Fuck, yes.” Merrick stood. “And if you’re telling this story, I’m getting the bottle.

~ K.j. Charles

K.j. Charles Alcohol Funny Humor Humour Kj Charles Story

What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.

~ Jackson Lanzing

Jackson Lanzing Death Funny Glee Humor Joyride Kolstak Revenge Seriousness Vengeance

I'm realizing that some of my greatest (or at least most determined) genius lies in my ability to procrastinate.

~ Scott Stabile

Scott Stabile Funny Genius Humor Procrastinate

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

~ Anissa Rafeh

Anissa Rafeh Funny Humor Humorous Humour Lebanese Lebanon

I should need to be a herd of elephants, I thought, and a wilderness of spiders, desperately referring to the animals that are reputed longest lived and most multitudinously eyed, to cope with all of this.

~ Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf Funny Humor

I don't have a hot date. I don't even have a lukewarm date.

~ Sarah Morgan

Sarah Morgan Funny Humor Humurous Quote Sarah Morgan

I saved you,” Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it’s only trying to fool us. I saved you.

~ Alex Gabriel

Alex Gabriel Alex Gabriel Funny Humor Humour Superhero

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime — especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender’s deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance.

~ Alex Gabriel

Alex Gabriel Alex Gabriel Apology Boyfriend Dating Funny Humor Humour Rules

I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese.

~ Gail Honeyman

Gail Honeyman Cheese Eleanor Oliphant Funny Gail Honeyman Gift Humor

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)

~ Gail Honeyman

Gail Honeyman Death Eleanor Oliphant Funny Gail Honeyman Humor Smile

My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.

~ Gail Honeyman

Gail Honeyman Eleanor Oliphant Frog Funny Gail Honeyman Humor Nail Polish

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature.

~ Gail Honeyman

Gail Honeyman Chicken Eggs Eleanor Oliphant Funny Gail Honeyman Humor Sandwich

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

~ Criss Jami

Criss Jami Crazy Democracy Election Funny Funny But True Humor Insane Loon Lunatic Monster Political Voting Werewolf

I do not think, Prospero,' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

~ John Bellairs

John Bellairs Comedy Fantasy Funny Humor Novel

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

~ John Bellairs

John Bellairs Comedy Fantasy Funny Humor Humour Novel
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