Humor Quotes

Everyone is a Butthole.

~ Ted Aramac

I'm out of the room in the next instant, like a man wanting breath, after suffocating through the horror of a burrito eating obese man's fart. - Emily Dolt

~ Nix Banner

I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations.

~ Rhiannon Mcgavin

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

~ K.j. Charles

Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time

~ Bogdan Vaida

He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from, but where the theft had occurred. If he couldn’t find it, that would suggest his factor back home in Shanghai was either cleverer or more honest than he had thought, and Crane didn’t think he was particularly honest.

~ K.j. Charles

I pat her on the head. Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake.

~ Jenny Han

Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?”Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. “Unopened. Why?

~ Ella Frank

Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.

~ Elizabeth Brown

That one doesn’t count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you?

~ H.s. Crow

Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.

~ V.e. Schwab

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off?

~ Parker S. Huntington

But I saw your aura looking healthy again, then looking sick after a hunt. And you keep getting migraines. You should take better care of yourself,” he added mildly. “Look for ways to not be so tense – long walks, meditation, these things would help.”Alex suddenly felt like Seb was his therapist; he had to resist the urge to shake him.

~ L.a. Weatherly

Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist’s little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.

~ Lisa Daily

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

@She is really really so beautiful there,' said Assad.Carl glanced at him. Apparently a woman's appearance was a particularly valuable factor in his assistant's world-view. But Carl agreed with him.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning.

~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

Language-lovers know that there is a word for every fear. Are you afraid of wine? Then you have oenophobia. Tremulous about train travel? You suffer from siderodromophobia. Having misgivings about your mother-in-law is pentheraphobia, and being petrified of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is arachibutyrophobia. And then there’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s affliction, the fear of fear itself, or phobophobia.

~ Steven Pinker

You'd be amazed to discover all the tangible things that can come out of dreams. Like drool?

~ Catherine Lowell

All the latchkey children cursed and smashed bottles, teased about underwear, and puffed on those unfiltered cigarettes that only the cowboys could roll.

~ Bremer Acosta

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously.

~ Criss Jami

Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.

~ Ian Frazier

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

~ Edgar Rice Burroughs

It's time to laugh at your nightmares and have nightmares of your laughter.

~ Melita Tessy

I don’t give sick days if you’re playing in the snow.” He’s being funny, or trying to be funny. I can never tell which.

~ Zoe Cruz

Haven't you ever heard of pornographic gibberish before?

~ Cassandra Clare

In the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive me what I’m about to do.”“Forgive you wha—”My sentence was cut off as he clamped his mouth over mine, kissing me deeply....“Ready to make a scene?”He raised an eyebrow. “Do I have a choice?”“Not really. To quote something someone said to me recently, in the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive what I’m about to do.” I drew back my hand and slapped him across the face. The smack of flesh striking flesh echoed through the hall. Conversations stopped as people whipped around to stare at us. Raising my voice to something just below a shout, I snarled, “You asshole!

~ Seanan Mcguire

Moms are so hard to understand! They'll never allow us to go on diet for fitness but forcefully make us fast in the name of God!~Swapna Rajput~

~ Swapna Rajput

I am so tired of this gothic crap,” I muttered. “Just once, I want to meet the villain in a cheerful, brightly lit room. Possibly one with kittens.

~ Seanan Mcguire

Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn’t really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn’t like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn’t exactly help me get into the school.

~ Ilona Andrews

You’re lucky you didn’t know him back in his tech phase. There was this time in our second year when we were living in the same house. Kitchen table kept wobbling so Landis shoved this metal saucer under one of the legs. Wasn’t until two weeks later we found out it was a land mine.

~ Benedict Jacka

because daytime leaves vampires less than, well, conscious, I told him, “Take your muffins to Boston and shut it, Terrance.” And then I hung up on him.

~ Molly Harper

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!

~ Ron Chernow

Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.

~ Bobby Darnell

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

~ Ilona Andrews

Lesson for young men: if you want your eventual wife to be excited about sucking your dick for forty years, don't create a generation of women who think enthusiasm about sex is a bad thing.

~ Anna Kendrick

You have more issues than Reader's Digest.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

People don’t just appear on the beach unless they’re demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It’s happened—but that’s another story.)

~ Rick Riordan

I want my lobster in bite-sized pieces! How dare you make me chew more than thrice?

~ Adam Jay Epstein