Humor Quotes

Do you find this...distracting?

~ Suzanne Collins

'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?

~ Ally Carter

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

~ George Deacon

But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!

~ Rick Riordan

Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house. Simon pointed at Jace.

~ Cassandra Clare

You can run from the grave, but you can't hide.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again.“Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.” Venom raised an eyebrow.“You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.” Ransom gave the vampire the finger. Venom grinned.

~ Nalini Singh

I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.

~ John Green

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

~ Chelsea Handler

CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.

~ Jen Campbell

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

~ Robert Fulghum

You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.

~ Kami Garcia

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...

~ John Green

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

~ Phyllis Diller

Once again, I've been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I'm currently stuck with.

~ Lauren Graham

Revenge is sweet and not fattening.

~ Alfred Hitchcock

To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

~ Molly Harper

I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen! he squeaked and ran.

~ Jeaniene Frost

There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says. 'Done,' I say.'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone. 'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.' (Katniss and Boggs)

~ Suzanne Collins

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

~ Jim Morrison

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

~ Dorothy Parker

That's it, cupcake. You're going down.

~ Rick Riordan

Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.

~ Garth Stein

Bad kitty! he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!-Razor

~ Julie Kagawa

Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.

~ Jim Butcher

I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy.

~ Kiersten White

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)

~ Ally Carter

You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.Really? I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I'm in a messy room with a total toolbox.

~ Rachel Hawkins

Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.

~ Jennifer Crusie

You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.

~ Rachel Gibson

I like pancakes.

~ Brandon Mull

I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.

~ Jim Butcher

All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Women are sneaky.

~ Patricia Briggs

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

~ Mark Twain

I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I'm sympathetic, it usually means I haven't been around people in awhile.

~ John Raptor

I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?I wouldn't call you that...

~ Anthony Horowitz

This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.

~ Meg Cabot

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

~ P.g. Wodehouse