Humor Quotes

We made too many wrong mistakes.

~ Yogi Berra

I don't mind if you forget me.Having learned my lesson,I never left an impression on anyone.

~ Morrissey

Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.

~ Louise Rennison

But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.

~ J.r. Ward

You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow? I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

~ Criss Jami

Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care.

~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn't have a soul.

~ Kim Harrison

Tut, Tut, looks like rain

~ A.a. Milne

Hell's bells, irony blows.

~ Jim Butcher

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

~ George Carlin

I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is ho always feminine, and muthafucka always masculine, while bitch can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be stupid? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.

~ Christopher Moore

Do you sleep naked?

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

~ Roald Dahl

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

~ Chetan Bhagat

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

~ Dave Barry

I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.

~ Maya Banks

I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.

~ Jim Butcher

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

~ Diana Wynne Jones

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

~ Pittacus Lore

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

~ Graham Chapman

I sheathed my blade and glared at him. And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard.Well, that's your mistake, not mine.

~ Julie Kagawa

Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.

~ Darynda Jones

Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue. Shane shrugged. He hits like a girl, for a vampire.

~ Rachel Caine

BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...

~ Tite Kubo

Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes.

~ Brandon Sanderson

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

~ Woody Allen

Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.

~ Rainbow Rowell

It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.

~ Rick Riordan

Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.

~ Jasper Fforde

Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!

~ J.k. Rowling

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat.

~ Stephen Wright

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

~ Christopher Moore

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.

~ Meg Cabot

When did you become a woman?-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times...-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean... fan club girlsNO! He's my doctor...Yuki

~ Natsuki Takaya

Heifer.”“Rich man’s whore!”“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!

~ Shelly Laurenston

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

~ Dave Barry

Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?It depends on whether or not I get an answer.

~ Anne Bishop

Anthony looked down at his evil clutches -- hands, he reminded himself, hands -- and grinned anew.

~ Julia Quinn