Humor Quotes

Tom. Mrs. Sprye's tone was severe. I expect you to look after this boy, not encourage him to go about brawling in the street. In broad daylight!Tom was stung. It's nigh impossible to brawl in the dark, Mrs. Sprye. And look— He put his hands on Trumpet's shoulders and turned him full circle. Scarcely a scratch on him. A bit dirty, true, but I believe that Pygmies can be washed.

~ Anna Castle

It was after our breakfast that I was told to go up along with the parlour maid and serve the family breakfast. I was very nervous, but the parlour maid told me not to worry. So up I went, shaking in my boots, and into the breakfast room where the sideboard was laden with kidneys and rice and bacon and all sorts of delicious things. There were just four people at the table: three elderly men and a woman with a green parrot on her shoulder. Now, the thing about the parrot was that it had messed all down her shoulder and all down the front of her dress and she wasn't in the least bothered. She just smiled into the distance and every now and then fed the bird something from her hand.

~ Rose Plummer

If the food supply runs out, try trapping or hunting animals. For most people, this won't be easy. If you can't catch any animals, it's time to throw a Donner party.

~ Andrew Shaffer

To make matters worse, Jackson placed great value on regurgitating every last detail of the assigned texts. When, in response to Jackson's question 'What are the three simple machines?' a cadet answered, 'The inclined plane, the lever, and the wheel,' Jackson replied, 'No, sir. The lever, the wheel, and the inclined plane.

~ S.c. Gwynne

Chicks dig historians.

~ Cynthia Hand

...and of course reconcilliation with England--the country that from the first should have been, given her parallel territorial ambitions, our closest ally--so that some day in the future we can act as one. It remains a mystery to me why that last relationship never worked out. How many more bombs would we have had to drop on their cities before they realized that we were their friends?

~ Timur Vermes

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

~ Lois Greiman

I never want to see umbrellas around me. he [Mussolini] once said. The umbrella is a bourgeois relic, it is the arm used by the pope's soldiers. A people who carry umbrellas cannot found an empire.

~ David I. Kertzer

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If cavemen had known how to laugh, history would have been different.

~ Chuck Klosterman

You didn’t feed from her,” he said, and this was not a question.“Swill poison? Not my kind of fun, little brother.”One corner of Stefan’s mouth quirked up. He made no response to this, but simply looked at Damon with eyes that were... knowing. Damon bridled.“I told the truth!”“Going to take it up as a hobby?

~ L.j. Smith

Motormouth: So this is love? Well, love is a gift and a lot of people forget that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lot of ugly coming your way on a never ending train of stupid.Penny: So you met my mom?

~ Mark O'donnell

Thinking is the most overrated human activity.

~ Wendell Berry

People who discriminate understand that they are a stranger to others.

~ Jestoni Revealed

No one's an angel - especially if he's a man

~ Ken Follett

A great paradox which should God make us understand, we will weep, laugh, wonder and ponder is the paradox of human ignorance

~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

~ Carl Sandburg

Don’t worry, I’m not quitting. I’ve decided I’m going to stay andmake his life a living hell while I run his business into the ground.--Kim to Abe

~ Devon Rhodes

Llarimar had told him to do his best. That sounded like an awful lot of work. Unfortunately, doing nothing was beginning to seem like even MORE work.

~ Brandon Sanderson

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

~ Scott Dikkers

In his opinion, working was vastly overrated. Particularly as a way to build character, for everyone who engaged in it was far too snappish and fussy, and seemed to have no manners at all.

~ Hilari Bell

My job is to scream cockle-doodle-doo. Don't blame me if the sun doesn't rise.

~ Janet Skeslien Charles

Everyone, no matter what kind of job he or she has, fantasizes about freaking out at work. How many corporate drones, stuck in a boring staff meeting, have had the sudden urge to jump on top of the conference table and start screaming obscenities? Strip off their clothes? Kiss the woman or man next to them? We all have. How many employees joke about shooting the boss or blowing the place up? I’m not suggesting we do any of these things, mind you, but let’s not kid ourselves; we all have a little murder in our heart.

~ Steve Dublanica

You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.

~ L. Frank Baum

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

~ Rita Rudner

Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should save some of it for tomorrow.

~ Don Herold

The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.

~ Núria Añó

Why do I have to do the sewin'? 'Cause I'm a girl? Is that it? It ain't fair, I tell ya!

~ Seán Cullen

Will that be all?” I asked the pimply faced teen who ogled my exposed legs as if in heat. My pen tapped impatiently on the notepad while I waited for him to look up. Slowly his dull grey eyes roved over my body and a limp smile drew up his thin, crusted lips making him look more weasel than human. “Yep. That’d be it,” his cheerful, adolescent voice cracked.“Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

~ Brandi Salazar

(Sadie)I'm not judging you, Dylan. I love vampire movies. If I looked surprised it was only because it's so different from your TV work, that's all.His shoulders relaxed a notch. Sorry. Olly gives me a lot of shit for selling out. He doesn't get that no one is ever going to make his movie about two old men on a fishing trip. Or, even if they do, no one is every going to go see it.

~ Sarah Mayberry

You get work however you get work, but people keep working in a freelance world (and more and more of todays world is freelance), because their work is good, because they are easy to get along with and because they deliver the work on time. And you don’t even need all three! Two out of three is fine. People will tolerate how unpleasant you are if your work is good and you deliver it on time. People will forgive the lateness of your work if it is good and they like you. And you don’t have to be as good as everyone else if you’re on time and it’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

~ Neil Gaiman

Back in the days when gladiators hacked away at each other, there was always the man who decided whether the defeated should live or die. The job is usually given to the Emperor in movies, but in fact any senior man could have been the designated thumbs-up-thumbs-down guy. The official title for this fellow was...the editor. (evil laughter in background)

~ Gary Corby

It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to work, it facinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me: the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

The key to career advancement is appearing valuable despite all hard evidence to the contrary. … If you add any actual value to your company today, your career is probably not moving in the right direction. Real work is for people at the bottom who plan to stay there.

~ Scott Adams

A good lover? One percent talent and ninety nine percent hard work.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Fast, Cheap, Good: Pick Two.

~ Maria Semple

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

~ Woody Allen

Earth is sad, Moon is shy, Sun is happy but wait a moment, I just forgot to tell you that I am the child of open sky.

~ Santosh Kalwar

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

~ Fran Lebowitz