Humor Quotes

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

~ Toba Beta

A true friend doesn't have guts, they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I love you too, I wanted to say with as much hurtful sarcasm as I could muster, but she hadn't seen me, and I kept quiet. I did love her, of course, but mostly just because loving your mother is mandatory, not because she's someone I think I'd like very much if I met her walking down the street. Which she wouldn't be anyway; walking is for poor people

~ Ransom Riggs

In those moments it's hard to remember that an angry voice is an invisible thing incapable of drawing blood.

~ Amanda Howells

Smartass Disciple: Master, I’m going to change the whole world.Master of Stupidity: It changes within you. It changes without you.

~ Toba Beta

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,' I said, sighing.'Is it?' said Veronica, looking surprised. 'Universally acknowledged? Surely that presupposes life similar to human societies beyond this planet, and besides--''No, no, it's a quote from ... Never mind,' I said.

~ Michelle Cooper

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that's inside your sneakers. It says DO NOT EAT for a reason. Somewhere sometime some genius bought a pair of sneakers and said Ooooh look. They give you free mints with the shoes

~ Morgan Spurlock

The best fiction is true.

~ Kinky Friedman

The most popular labor saving device is still money.

~ Phyllis George

Each one of us comes out of our mother's body crying, with or without exceptions. But we are not aware of it. Are you? Do you remember that you cried the very first time you come out of your mother's body? If not, then why are you crying now?

~ Santosh Kalwar

Some men can love forever, some for six years, some for six months, and others for six hours.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I need to be casual but not too casual. Dressy but not too dressy. I need him to think I just threw on the first thing I found and that I'm not taking this too seriously or overthinking it or even that I was thinking about it at all. Because I'm not. I'm totally not thinking about him, and I don't want him to think I was thinking about him, but I don't want him to think that I'm not thinking about him, because clearly he thought about me enough to ask me out and it would be mean not to be thinking about him at all, so I need just the right amount of thinking, and I'm not sure if that means boots and a skirt or skinny jeans and ballet flats. Help!

~ Gemma Halliday

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

~ Oscar Wilde

I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper.

~ L.m. Fields

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insults. Yours is to be in-sluts.

~ Brandon Sanderson

There's nothing more aggravating in the world than the midnight sniffling of the person you've decided to hate.

~ Shannon Hale

When boy likes you, you say no thank you. You don't kick him on the ground.

~ Jenny Han

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.

~ Dakota Dawn

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.

~ Oscar Wilde

If you're explaining, you're losing.

~ Ronald Reagan

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Humor is the whole truth.

~ Frigyes Karinthy

So why did poor artists originally hang around in cafes?I don't know. Inspiration from the atmosphere.Ha! No, you've been tricked, too, just like the rest of us. Cafes didn't have inspirational atmosphere at first. That only came later, when you knew artists had been hanging around in them.

~ Arthur Phillips

A person obsessed with ultimate truth is a person asking to be relieved of money.

~ Robert B. Laughlin

Smartass Disciple: How the hell do we find the truth ?Master of Stupidity: Just seek it with hope it’ll find you.

~ Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I've listened you preaching just for this silly truth?Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth?

~ Toba Beta

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.

~ Criss Jami

Worrying is stupid. It's like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain.

~ Wiz Khalifa

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It's nature's way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the ages of 28-38. Can someone please dramatically reduce the cost of housing, already?~SHEESH~

~ Dakota Dawn

As in music, when we hear the crescendo building, suddenly if the music stops, we begin to hear the silence as part of the music.

~ Chögyam Trungpa

Bizim hepimizin içinde zübüklük olmasa, bizler de birer zübük olmasak, aramızdan böyle zübükler büyüyemezdi. Hepimizde birer parça olan zübüklük birleşip işte başımıza böyle zübükler çıkıyor. Oysa zübüklük bizde, bizim içimizde. Onları biz, kendi zübüklüğümüzden yaratıyoruz. Sonra, kendi zübüklüklerimizin bir tek Zübük’de birleştiğini görünce ona kızıyoruz. Bu zübükler heryerde var, biz zübükler nerde varsak, onlar da orada...

~ Aziz Nesin

Math. It’s your favorite subject. Which surprises you. Last year your teacher tried to convince you that you had a real “aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and you weren’t trying there, either, so maybe you are good at math after all. You like it because either you’re right or you’re wrong. Not like social studies and definitely not like English, where you always have to explain your answers and support your opinions. With math it’s right or it’s wrong and you’re done with it. But even that’s changing, my teacher said now you have to explain how you solved the problem and support your answer, saying that having the right answer isn’t as important as explaining how you got it and bam, just like that, you hate math.

~ Charles Benoit

Vivi muito tempo no mundo das pessoas grandes. Vi-as de bem perto.Não fiquei com muito melhor opinião delas.

~ Antoine De Saint-Exupéry

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?Master of Stupidity: I wasn't thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind.

~ Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Master, I believe that the truth will prevail at the end.Master of Stupidity: No 'the end' for the truth. 'Prevail' is something else.

~ Toba Beta

I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagance and love and art, and could even almost believe some of it myself on certain days after the sun went down if I’d had a snort or two and was in Los Angeles and it was February and I was twenty-four, but I find a truer account in the Herald-Star, where it says: “Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken with gravy and creamed peas”.

~ Garrison Keillor

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn’t be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty.

~ Hannah Harrington

Teachers're always using that in your own words. I hate that. Authors knit their sentences tight. It's their job. Why make us unpick them, just to put it back together more shonkily? How're you s'posed to say Kapellmeister if you can't say Kapellmeister?

~ David Mitchell

If you are involved with the intensity of crescendo situations, with the intensity of tragedy, you might begin to see the humor of these situations as well. As in music, when we hear the crescendo building, suddenly if the music stops, we begin to hear the silence as part of the music.

~ Chögyam Trungpa

I didn't see myself as the busty type. Too bad bodies are issued randomly, not selected to match your personality

~ Phoebe Kitanidis