Humor Quotes

In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed to relieve yourself out of the former then you've become too full of yourself.

~ Ryan Cayne

In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed to relieve yourself out of the former than you've become too full of yourself.

~ Ryan Cayne

People are so cheap. Everyone wants quality, no one wants to pay for it. Here's the suburban dream-- to hire great workers who are such meek morons that they don't have the guts to ask for a living wage.

~ Joan Bauer

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you'll make us jobless for good.

~ Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Master, what do say about the truth itself ?Master of Stupidity: Like sex, no fun anymore if all is revealed.

~ Toba Beta

Smartass Disciple: Master, please show me the way to the enlightenment.Master of Stupidity: Walk with me! [but I won't let you try to surpass me].

~ Toba Beta

Did I hear God call me an idiot?

~ William Paul Young

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

~ Criss Jami

The gods too are fond of a joke.

~ Aristotle

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

~ Jess C. Scott

I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on.

~ Annabel Pitcher

...God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. On the eighth day, he started getting complaints. And it hasn't stopped since.

~ James Scott Bell

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

~ H.l. Mencken

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

~ Sinclair Lewis

I had a standing agreement with god. I'd agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he let me sleep in on Sundays.

~ Richelle Mead

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth . . . Then he said, Let there be light. Which means he made the entire universe in the dark! How fucking good is that? He's brilliant.

~ Ricky Gervais

If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does.

~ Christopher Hitchens

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: What the heck is going on down there?

~ Kat Falls

Your Excellency, I have no need of this hypothesis.

~ Pierre-Simon Laplace

I bet you've seen the fundamentalist bumper sticker that says, God said it! I believe it! That settles it! It must be a typo because what the driver really means is, I said it! God believes it! That settles it!

~ Robert M. Price

They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him.

~ Philip K. Dick

He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.

~ Sue Monk Kidd

I'm here to tell you, there ain't much forgiveness in that old-time religion. That particular savior was a mean son of a bitch. If you sinned, honey, he was going to get you, no doubt about it.

~ Ava Gardner

people don't get meit's more rule than exceptionGod bless exceptions

~ Beth Myrle Rice

And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long time before I forgave the Lord for that.

~ Ava Gardner

They served Good Food but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know?

~ Julie Kenner

The sight of her made him understand why he'd lost his faith in God.

~ Sarah Langan

She was satisfied with the answer God had given Moses from the burning bush when Moses had seen fit to question. Who are you? Mose asks, and God comes back from that bush just as pert as you like: I Am, Who I AM. In other words, Mose, stop beatin around this here bush and get your old ass in gear.

~ Stephen King

After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.

~ Sarah Vowell

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

~ Stephen Colbert

If I had a dollar for everytime my mother told me god had a plan I'd probably buy a new prada bag.

~ Naya Rivera

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists outside religious books and the minds of believers, that is. Having said that, given the choice, instead of being grilled until hell freezes over, the average sane human being would, needless to say, rather spend forever idling in an extremely fertile garden, next to a lamb or a chicken or a parrot, which they do not secretly want to eat, and a lion or a tiger or a crocodile, which does not secretly want to eat them.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

~ Terry Pratchett

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

~ Margaret Thatcher

It don't do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.

~ Thomas Mcguane

A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear.

~ William Shakespeare

Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.

~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

~ Christopher Paolini

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,' the gypsy explained. 'Now fate is a man,' he went on, 'no planning, just go with the flow and see what tomorrow brings.

~ Traci Harding

Humor quote from classy quote