Humor Quotes

M.T. Stone was the poster boy for what an assassin should look like.

~ Mary Buckham

Who knows, my friend? Maybe the sword does have some magic. Personally, I think it's the warrior who wields it.

~ Brian Jacques

Technically,' I said, I'm not breaking any of the Laws of Magic. I'm not robbing you of your will, so I'm clear of the Fourth Law. And you didn't get loose, so I'm clear of the Seventh Law. The Council can bite me.'The bone ridges above Chauncy's eyes twitched. 'Surely, that is merely a colorful euphemism, rather than a statement of desire.''It is.

~ Jim Butcher

There are no miracles on Mondays.

~ Amy Neftzger

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear.Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?Poor grammar skills.

~ Lita Burke

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves.

~ Terry Pratchett

That guy with the silver hair, he’s your dad, right?” Amber questioned, surveying the scene. “Yes,” I said, reluctant to say anything but, considering what was happening, figured was the least of my worries. “Ooo la la. He’s, like, totally diesel. Look at those arms.” She went on, admiring my dad to a sickening degree. “All right, jailbait, back off. It’s practically incest.”She sucked air through her teeth. “I know,” she said regretfully. “But a girl can dream. And I have a feeling he’s going to be starring in a lot of them.

~ Brandi Salazar

I pull my power more tightly around me like a magic binky.

~ Sam Cheever

Hey, aren’t you that girl from the web?” the new one asked, bending to suck my earing between his teeth. I pulled my head away. “You got the wrong girl.”Mr. Hawaii pulled back to take a better look at me. “No, I think you might be.” To my total bewilderment, he spun me around. “Hey! What are you—?”“Hey, it is you!” he yelled excitedly, drawing the attention of the crowd. “Hey, everyone, it’s Cheeky Galore!

~ Brandi Salazar

After that, he tried to go upstairs through the broom cupboard, and then the yard. This seemed to puzzle him a little. But finally he discovered the stairs, all except the bottom on, and fell up them on his face. The whole castle shook.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

The Tanakee are thought to possess strange, almost supernatural powers.Their eyes are described as large and hypnotic. From Tribe of the Teddy Bear

~ J. Joseph Wright

My understanding of magic is fairly straightforward. Hit enemies with a sword until they’re dead. If they rise again, hit them again. Repeat as necessary. It worked against Set.

~ Rick Riordan

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?

~ Salman Rushdie

Jesus was a good guy, he didn't need this shit.

~ John Prine

They always loved my sense of humor. There used to be a light switch inside one of the nurseries that was a cutout of Jesus putting his arm around two children on each side of him as he towered above them. The switch was ironically located in the spot of where his penis would have been and I was the first to point this out. Everyone thought it was funny until I started singing the childhood church song “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” In fear of being struck by lightning or being involved in a massive pile-up car accident after leaving, their laughing ceased. I still thought it was funny.

~ Chase Brooks

One of the most amazing things that we often forget is this: God never forgets us! Face it; you could hide under a rock, BUT, God will still be beside you saying, Rock bottom, already?

~ Mary Kate

Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. Why is it when everyone thinks they're on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?Jayne shrugged and replied, Because that's where he likes to hang out?

~ Nonjon

What would people think?'Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart.'Oh,' said Grandpa.

~ Garrison Keillor

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.

~ Billy Crystal

Fortunately the essence of this revelation did not escape Mary despite the angel's obscure speech, and, much surprised, she asked him, So Jesus is my son and the son of the Lord, Woman, what are you saying, show some respect for rank and precedence, what you must say is the son of the Lord and me, Of the Lord and of you, No, of the Lord and of you, You're confusing me, just answer my question, is Jesus our son, You mean to say the Lord's son because you only served to bear the child, So the Lord didn't choose me, Don't be absurd (...) Is there any real proof that it was the Lord's seed which engendered my first-born, Well, it's a delicate matter, and what you're demanding is nothing less than a paternity test which in these mixed unions, no matter how many analyses, tests, and globule counts one carries out, can never give conclusive results.

~ José Saramago

Unfortunately when I'm on my death bed I believe I'll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I've checked my sock drawer.

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

If you are going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

~ Winston S. Churchill

The only thing I hate about good people is that they like making their being good people bad people’s problem.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The pleasure or the benefit that the object of our deed derives from it is every now and then greater or even more important than the one we derive from the deed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single good person is a good person for their own sake, not for the sake of humanity, not even for the sake of another human being.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

No single bad person regards themselves as a bad person.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To label someone as selfless is symptomatic of having bought the preposterous claim that a human being can have great concern for other human beings and little concern for themselves, or that, when taken to extremes, a human being can have great concern for other human beings and absolutely no concern for themselves.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is humanly impossible to be selfless. As a matter of fact, human beings are inherently selfish.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

...Daisy doesn't even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom... you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset, because there's no silver lining at the end of that book, let me tell you. I do see why Nikki likes the novel, as it's written so well. But her liking it makes me worry now that Nikki really doesn't believe in silver linings, because she says The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an American, and yet it ends so sadly. One thing's for sure, Nikki is going to be very proud of me when I tell her I finally read her favorite book. -Silver Linings Playbook, p. 9

~ Matthew Quick

Nowhere in the bible did it say, “Only show compassion and empathy to those you can trust.” If we did that, we would be burying homeless people every day.

~ Shannon L. Alder

It is a strange thing that the human species can only go three days without water and three weeks without food, before the body dies. Yet, so many people can go years hanging onto pain and feeling emotionally dead inside. I suppose if it was the other way around more people would go to school to be morticians because of the booming business, or pastors would have to hand out Valium with the sacrament, just to keep the census high.

~ Shannon L. Alder

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

~ Criss Jami

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

~ Bauvard

If I could bottle kindness, I wonder if formaldehyde would preserve it.

~ Amanda Mosher

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

~ Josh Stern

I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

~ Dave Eggers

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it. He had evidently included the pillow in his celebrations.

~ Bill Bryson

It is not the destination where you end up but the mishaps and memories you create along the way!

~ Penelope Riley

If travel were so inspiring and informing a business...then the wisest men in the world would be deck hands on tramp steamers, Pullman porters, and Mormon missionaries.

~ Sinclair Lewis