Humor Quotes

It is customary, in England at least, for Coroners' courts to give the verdict 'Suicide while the balance of his mind was disturbed'. This insult automatically puts the victim in the wrong and reassures Society that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Have you ever noticed that Socialist governments have a particular horror of the individual's suicide? It is a direct criticism of their basic tenets.

~ Nanavira Thera

Talking of suicide, it is perhaps noteworthy that both of Dostoievsky's characters kill themselves: Stavrogin out of indifference and self disgust; Kirilov, after years of planning the gesture, in order to demonstrate to mankind that there is no God and that men are free to do as they please. My suicide will be less didactic.

~ Nanavira Thera

Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions:The first one is: Who started it?The second is: Are we going to make it?The third is: Where are we going to put it?The fourth is: Who's going to clean up?And the fifth: Is it serious?Out Of Your Mind (2004), Audio lecture 1: The Nature of Consciousness: A Game That's Worth The Candle.

~ Alan W. Watts

If your success is not amazing to your critics, it disturbs, infuriates, and frustrates them, and if they're not careful; may go hang themselves and go to hell.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I’m pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life.

~ Alex Sargeant

Get real. They’ll try to kill us no matter what. I can find out how to open the files from Mickey. You may be impressed with this genius shit but you should really find out what a mess his head is. The right drugs, he’ll cut his own throat and forget why he’s bleeding. That was an interesting choice of metaphor.

~ Dan Ahearn

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

~ Josh Stern

(…) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves)

~ Jess Walter

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

~ Criss Jami

I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.

~ Ryan Lilly

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

~ A. Whitney Brown

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, Don't even think about it. A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons and tubes of the jungle gym- the results would not be pretty.Judd glanced at his watch. I'll destroy it later.

~ Nalini Singh

Failure is not an option. It just happens all the time. Like, all the time.

~ Craig Benzine

Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity

~ Arthur Nersesian

For thirty minutes I sat back and felt the glimmer of pride that historically precedes the most catastrophic falls.

~ Antony John

Deep down, Story Easton knew what would happen if she attempted to off herself—she would fail It was a matter of probability. This was not a new thing, failure. She was, had always been, a failure of fairy-tale proportion. Quitting wasn’t Story’s problem. She had tried, really tried, lots of things during different stages of her life—Girl Scours, the viola, gardening, Tommy Andres from senior year American Lit—but zero cookie sales, four broken strings, two withered azalea bushes, and one uniquely humiliating breakup later, Story still had not tasted success, and with a shriveled-up writing career as her latest disappointment, she realized no magic slippers or fairy dust was going to rescue her from her Anti-Midas Touch. No Happily Ever After was coming. So she had learned to find a certain comfort in failure. In addition to her own screw-ups, others’ mistakes became cozy blankets to cuddle, and she snuggled up to famous failures like most people embrace triumph. The Battle of Little Bighorn—a thing of beauty. The Bay of Pigs—delicious debacle. The Y2K Bug—gorgeously disappointing fuck-up. Geraldo’s anti-climactic Al Capone exhumation—oops! Jaws III—heaven on film. Tattooed eyeliner—eyelids everywhere, revolting. Really revolting. Fat-free potato chips—good Lord, makes anyone feel successful.

~ Elizabeth Leiknes

Lust? I have no desire to incite lust in anyone.Veliss turned to her with a quizzical expression, her smile suddenly genuine. Then I'm afraid you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.

~ Anthony Ryan

He'd bet his right nut her skin would taste as good as it smelled.

~ Kelly Moran

You have to watch them all the time,’ she assured me darkly. ‘Even if the spirit’s willing, the flesh is weak!

~ Trisha Ashley

I had a dream that Zac Effron showed up at my door shirtless with a bouquet of flowers..yep, I’m still waiting on that one to come true.

~ Starley Ard

[Dream] I do not want a grape.[Desire] I could make you want one.

~ Neil Gaiman

His proximity, that damn smile, just makes me hot in all the right places, but also pissed as hell. I don’t know if I should knee him in the balls or hump his leg like a bitch in heat.

~ Ghiselle St. James

There are people who feel they should be with you, but something is preventing them from coming close. Please can you just lower the frequency of your stern looking face and smile...and they will make you their habit.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Fox Jung...I dunno why I get so hungry whenever I see you. Just once...if I could swallow you up in one bite, just once...I'd never need anything else.Now, I'm really scared...that one day, I'll open my eyes and find myself inside your stomach.

~ Hajin Yoo

[L]ife is a phenomenon in need of criticism, for we are, as fallen creatures, in permanent danger of worshipping false gods, of failing to understand ourselves and misinterpreting the behaviour of others, of growing unproductively anxious or desirous, and of losing ourselves to vanity and error. Surreptitiously and beguilingly, then, with humour or gravity, works of art--novels, poems, plays, paintings or films--can function as vehicles to explain our condition to us. They may act as guides to a truer, more judicious, more intelligent understanding of the world.

~ Alain De Botton

Nice day for a funeral.

~ Anthony Horowitz

I'm a conundrum. Or an enigma. I forget which.

~ James A. Owen

I don't know anything!' Tim(Caleb) wailed.He'd never spoken a truer word in his life.

~ Anthony Horowitz

Consider this a fair warning.

~ Stieg Larsson

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive - for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard's sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong's mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion of Mr. MacQueen that Ratchett himself destroyed the charred note we found, Princess Dragomiroff's Christian name, and a grease spot on a Hungarian passport.

~ Agatha Christie

I leveled the gun and fired until it was empty.

~ Rachel Brady

Nice dress,” Victoria said.“Thank you,” Perpetua said. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”Victoria blinked. “Uh, what?

~ Benjamin R. Smith

This is the day the Lord has made, suck it up and rejoice.

~ Donna White Glaser

You can't jump for the stars if your feet hurt. And when you get where you're going, you darn well better look great!

~ Dan Brown

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but Be Prepared is still a good motto to live by. Especially if you plan to keep living.

~ Justin Gustainis

There are two rules for sucess:1. Never tell everything you know.

~ Roger H. Lincoln

...heaven wouldn’t be like this earth, this tormented earth ruled by evil forces that tossed humanity to and fro like a slow clown in a two-bit rodeo.

~ Joe Laflam

A fallow mind is a field of discontent.

~ John H. Cunningham

Her killer wrote a note on that stationary.A note. Now Renquist's eyebrows lifted. Well. That was rather arrogant of him, wasn't it?

~ J.d. Robb

The process of elimination, combined with a modicum of common sense, will always assist us to arrive at the correct conclusion with the maximum of possible accuracy and the minimum of hard labor. Which being translated means: I guessed it.

~ Margery Allingham