Humor Quotes

Don't be an artist. Be somebody's artist.

~ Zev Rector

In my experience, what every true artist wants, really wants, is to be paid.

~ Terry Pratchett

The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense.

~ David Sedaris

I have learned that particularly clever ideas do not always stand up under close scrutiny.

~ Elizabeth Peters

For the record, I blame you for this.”“Me?” huffed Shahin. “This was your idea.”“Well...you should have talked me out of it! You and your brilliant schemes—bah! This particular detail will not go into our report, understand?”“Rest assured, you'll find me silent as the grave on this point.”“And stop using morbid expressions!

~ Jennifer Mckeithen

Hey Jake. I got an idea.''Be gentle with it,' the Doc grinned. 'It's in a strange place.

~ Spider Robinson

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

~ H.l. Mencken

Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn't think twice about buying something oven-ready become much more upset about a chicken that they've been on a boat with, so there is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially.

~ Douglas Adams

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.

~ Tom Robbins

And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Ginés, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats.Dead cats?You know, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide.Feline genocide?Yeah. If you don't explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, 'Here, kitty kitty kitty,' no cats will come running; they'll just- Walter suddenly stopped.What's wrong? Ashley asked.Walter stared straight ahead. I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference. ~Walter~

~ Bryan Davis

Are you all right?” he asked Olivia. His heart was still racing with terror that she’d been hurt. “I heard a woman scream.”“Ah, that would have been me,” Sebastian said.Harry looked down on his cousin, face frozen in disbelief. “You made that noise?”“It hurt,” Sebastian bit off.Harry fought not to laugh. “You scream like a leettle girl.

~ Julia Quinn

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

~ Brandon Mull

It's like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

~ Hillary Depiano

No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton

~ Bryan Davis

College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.

~ Jeffrey Eugenides

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

~ Julia Quinn

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.

~ Alan Rickman

Adieu, Lord Dain,” she answered without turning her head. “Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting. He told himself to laugh and return to his… cows.

~ Loretta Chase

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

~ Kira4Inu

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

~ Bill Cosby

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

~ Gerald R. Ford

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.

~ Mindy Kaling

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

~ Dave Matthes

Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of 'N Sync we'd want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. JoeyFatone's last name was going to be “Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn't know at theirage that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he'd make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn't trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise.

~ Mindy Kaling

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Sebastian,” Katarina said, turning to her nephew. “You’ve grown.” “It happens,” Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin.“Goodness,” she said with smile, “you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet.It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn’t all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared.

~ Julia Quinn

One does not have humor. It has you.

~ Larry Gelbart

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won't go free.APOLLORelax, I'm not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you're breaking no laws?APOLLOI always carry a bow, it's my trademark.

~ Anne Carson

Your boss loves your ideas ... it's you he doesn't care about.

~ Steven Charles

You know, you can always do a three some.”“A three some?” I frowned. “No.”He shrugged. “Just a thought.”“Yeah, a dumb one,” I spat.“Hey! I didn’t call your idea to re-wallpaper the kitchen a dumb idea!”“You have a problem with the new paper?” I demanded.“Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.

~ Kira4Inu

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech

~ Colley Cibber

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

~ Patrick Major Dallas Or

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

~ Harold Ramis

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren't we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?' he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. 'A bit of a crush in the vestibule, here, Mamma! If we start crying, there'll be an explosion. Never mind, I'll be there to collect the bits--just like an antiquary.''Now, there's the language of true French gallantry,' murmured Madame Vauquer in an aside to Madame Couture.

~ Honoré De Balzac

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

~ Paula Mclain

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

~ Mary Chase

It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.

~ Goldy Moldavsky

Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.

~ Bram Stoker

i prefer to think of the good times. Like when you held my hair as I was vomiting into a bucket.

~ Leigh Bardugo