Humor Quotes

I know for a fact that I would be awful if I was built like Serena Williams or Jennifer Lopez... If I had a body remotely close to what they have, I would be a terror. My ass would cause me to do really inappropriate and rude things. I'd be so ridiculous that people would be able to pick my labia out of a lineup. I'd wear zero clothes any- and everywhere, every day. I'd show up at church rocking a denim thong and a cropped T-shirt and have the nerve to sit right next to the head usher and dare her to say anything to me. And if anyone did say something to me, I'd tell them, Jesus blessed me in many ways, and I am just showing off His works. HALLELUJAH. People would be disgusted and appalled by me and I wouldn't care. All insults would bounce off my ample backside. To whom much is given, much is required, and I'd require that my much would be given nary an inch of fabric. I'd hire a band whose sole job would be to follow me around and play theme music for my yansh, based on the mood I was in... I might opt to walk backwards into any room I entered, because why not?... I might also declare my booty its own limited liability corporation, assigning myself as CEO and chairman of the Donk. My jeans would be tax-deductible business expenses, and I would add my ass to my LinkedIn profile's Skills section. Everyone would throw hate ration in my dancery, and I wouldn't even see it, protected as I would be by the throne I sat atop.

~ Luvvie Ajayi

The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a, e, i, o, u.

~ Tom Magliozzi

How do you keep a mattress on the roof of your car from flying?” “Yeah, well, I don’t know how many people know it, but a lot of people have learned that putting your arm up there to hold the mattress is not going to work.

~ Tom Magliozzi

It turns out that we’re not the only ones who go out on a scientific limb as we discuss or attempt to discuss cars, car repairs and scientific education in America today.

~ Tom Magliozzi

Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.

~ Mack Sennett

Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you’ll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.

~ Tom Magliozzi

One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldn't ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. It's a tough business, and often things don't work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others' success is a highly toxic waste of time.

~ Amy Schumer

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

~ Criss Jami

One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

Worn over the man’s head like a deranged bank robber is a pair of pink cotton panties.

~ Dave Lundy

Stop your idiocy, Sandra, please. For once in your death.

~ Lauren Oliver

How is it you can talk so nicely?' Alice said, hoping to get it into a better temper by a compliment. 'I've been in many gardens before, but none of the flowers could talk.''Put your hand down, and feel the ground,' said the Tiger-lily. 'Then you'll know why.'Alice did so. 'It's very hard,' she said, 'but I don't see what that has to do with it.''In most gardens,' the Tiger-lily said, 'they make the beds too soft - so that the flowers are always asleep.

~ Lewis Carroll

Tria finally slumped to the ground “I swear I'm sick of falling into pits and swamps...” “Hey, upside is you're not dead yet so win win.” Ingra said cheerfully.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.

~ Jennifer Saunders

Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?''There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for?''But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked.'It could bark,' said the Rose.

~ Lewis Carroll

At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?'Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it.'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.''But it may rain outside?''It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise.

~ Lewis Carroll

Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.

~ Zakes Mda

If by fawning, you mean he’s a deer, I have a gun, and it’s hunting season, then I guess you’re right.

~ Sage Kafsky

And Tria this is Vilenthe.” Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down “She'll be fine.” Vilenthe scowls “She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

I notice being noticed immediately – I’m a freeway goddess! In the past five minutes of gridlock, I have been checked out by a bald man in convertible Mustang, a cowboy in an F-150, and a body-builder in a Lincoln Navigator. Watch out road warriors! I don’t want to be responsible for any accidents. If only I had a car decal that advertised: Available – if you meet my eligibility criteria!

~ J.c. Patrick

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.

~ J.c. Patrick

I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It’s not very late, but I don’t want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I’ve stopped looking as I walk past, but it’s difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment’s notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement.

~ J.c. Patrick

He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he’ll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it.

~ J.c. Patrick

My mother had tried to fool me into thinking I was a natural beauty, and I’d believed her for a little while, that is, until I moved to the land of beautiful people.

~ J.c. Patrick

My life was full of drama, with the highs and lows of Tyler’s daily mood swings and my private innuendos with Vandenberg. There’d never been a movie made that could permanently shift my mood away from my disappointment with myself.

~ J.c. Patrick

I could feel the spring in my step as I walked up one flight of stairs from the parking garage into the company’s lobby. Although I wore my old blue suit, a remnant of all my previous job interviews, I felt the day had new possibilities. After all, I was interviewing at a company that made something I loved – movies!

~ J.c. Patrick

Keep still!” Tria was parsistantly kicking back and it seemed to be working “Ow!” “You three are a resistant bunch aren't you...” The man said angrily “No really how long did it take you to work that out.” Agres replied sarcastically

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

So nice to be stuck up here again, wouldn't you agree Agres.” “Not really no.” Agres replied “Day three is it” Agres nodded they where huddled up behind a rock as the cold wind blew around their small fire “I didn't really miss being stuck up here did you?” “I bet Tria, you'd rather be stuck in a swamp again wouldn't you?”“Actually I'd gladly take being stuck in a swamp over being stranded on a cold mountain any day. You hear that Dilmore!

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Agres!” she hissed again even louder this time “WHAT!” Tria smiled “Oh good you are alive.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.

~ Karl French

My comebacks aren't nearly as sharp as my shiv. Come inside and I'll show you.

~ Cassia Leo

How can you love someone who doesn't think they deserve to be loved?

~ Cassia Leo

Are you going to give her gonorrhea too, or was that gift just for me?

~ Cassia Leo

Don't go a-hunting for a moose where there ain't no moose to hunt.

~ Richard E Mccallum

Them Frenchies!’ ‘Unchristian, that’s what I call ’em,’ responded Mr. Stubbs severely. ‘I fair compassionate that wench.

~ Georgette Heyer

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

~ Georgette Heyer

On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor.

~ Pawan Mishra

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

~ Jane Dentinger

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

~ Erin Mitchell

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

~ Tyler Barton