Humor Quotes

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

~ Stephanie Bramson

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

~ Warren Moore

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

~ Tiffany Ferentini

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

~ Carolyn Drake

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

~ Ifra Asad

Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady,” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.

~ Ed Lynskey

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

~ S.a. Tawks

The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.

~ Edward Harris

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

~ Groucho Marx

The human race has the capacity to render itself extinct unless alternatives are found to the patterns of intraspecific warfare that have dominated civilized history. Ours has long been a predatory species. Living, for humans, depends upon the ability to kill as clearly as it does for lions or wolves. But lions and wolves, like almost all predatory species, normally limit their killing to prey animals, and they are equipped with elaborate ritual precautions to prevent the destruction of their own kind. Humans appear to be unique among predators in their enthusiasm to destroy members of their own species. Perhaps this unusual behavior can be attributed to some genetic deficiency which may lead humans ultimately to join the rest of nature's failures in the biological graveyard of extinction. Or perhaps our willingness to kill ourselves, like so many of our other problems, is something we have devised by misusing our enlarged brains.

~ Joseph W. Meeker

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police, whom, he is sure, will be glad to have them back.

~ Molly Meadows

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scumbag Thieves,If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver’s seat with this message:Here’s $500. It’s the best we can do until the holidays.P.S. Get some decent tires, why don’t you. We couldn’t sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them.

~ Molly Meadows

Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred! ::pauses::I'm not taking any fuckin' chances!::swigs his beer::

~ Lee Mack

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

~ Brandon Sanderson

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweetThat the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,Made to write “whore” upon?

~ William Shakespeare

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

~ G.g. Silverman

Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.'Give her air!'So had the bell-boy.'Slap her hands!'Lord Tidmouth went further.'Sit on her head!' he advised.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

~ Julie Kagawa

When you can't make it, just fake it

~ Suraj Dutta

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

~ William Shakespeare

If she did bitch-slap me, I'd bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.

~ G.g. Silverman

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

~ Josh Stern

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

~ Dave Barry

Love? Love is for children and poor people...

~ Molly Harper

Well, bloody noses. I hug his coat tighter. Those are definitely hot.

~ Stephanie Perkins

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

~ Gaurav Rao

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

~ H.m. Ward

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

~ Carla H. Krueger

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

~ Kristen Ashley

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

~ Anonymous

I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.

~ Randy Kagan

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

~ Randy Kagan

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

~ H.m. Ward

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, Not as scary as the boogie woman.

~ Randy Kagan

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay--this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny.

~ George Saunders

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

~ Sol Luckman

If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....

~ John Branyan

Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

~ Jackson Radcliffe