Humor Quotes

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

~ Josh Stern

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

~ Josh Stern

Percy, you are dismissed from my service.Me? Why, my lord?Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed. Oh, I see. And as for you, Baldrick... Yes. You're out, too.

~ Richard Curtis

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

~ Sol Luckman

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.

~ Richard Curtis

I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!

~ Richard Curtis

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

~ M.j. Mcguire

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

~ Dan Florence

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

~ Douglas Lewis

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

~ Henry Fielding

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

~ The Covert Comic

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

~ The Covert Comic

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

~ The Covert Comic

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

~ The Covert Comic

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

~ The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

~ The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

~ The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

~ The Covert Comic

Every Friday is black where I work.

~ The Covert Comic

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

~ The Covert Comic

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

~ The Covert Comic

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

~ The Covert Comic

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.

~ Tina Fey

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you just say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth,' now we're getting somewhere.

~ Tina Fey

Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action.(p.115)

~ Malcolm Gladwell

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.

~ Sorin Suciu

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

~ John Zakour

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured.“I skim them,” I protested.“Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.”“I can handle . . .”“Impotence.” HARV smiled.“Oh,” I said.“Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.”“Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

~ John Zakour

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.

~ John Zakour

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful. Believe me — I experienced it once.

~ John Zakour

Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.

~ John Zakour

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

~ John Zakour

People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.

~ Roy Saputra

HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.

~ J. Ross Clara

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

~ Marie Guillaume

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happened when something really true got into your brain. Something so true that your system just couldn't stand it.

~ J. Ross Clara

When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher’s slides with the images. The teacher, in a state of panic, kept rapidly pressing the ‘next’ button. It was like a pornographic flip-book. That was the last straw in a very heavy pile of straws. I was expelled, and I ended up transferring mid-year from boarding school to a public school near home.

~ Dani Alexander

I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

~ Dani Alexander

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

~ Steve Martin