Humor Quotes

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you've never noticed, the dead are always on time.

~ Arlene Ang

It is clear that men accept an immediate pain rather than an immediate pleasure, but only because they expect a greater pleasure in the future. Often the pleasure is illusory, but their error in calculation is no refutation of the rule. You are puzzled because you cannot get over the idea that pleasures are only of the sense; but, child, a man who dies for his country dies because he likes it as surely as a man eats pickled cabbage because he likes it.

~ W. Somerset Maugham

It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part of my personality, my me-ness, persist? What will that feel like? What will I do all day? Is there a place to plug in my laptop?

~ Mary Roach

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.

~ Maureen Johnson

What can I say? I prefer to die well informed.

~ Nalini Singh

He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.

~ Vernon D. Burns

Knackered inmates are easier to control than pumped-up ones. And dead inmates are even easier to control, if you follow me.

~ Alexander Gordon Smith

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine.

~ Elizabeth Marx

That's it then. This is how it ends. I haven't even read Proust.

~ James Turner

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours.

~ E.l. Doctorow

Just know I amNot there to catch youBut I am there for you

~ Caleb Warta

YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said.That's what being alive is all about.

~ Terry Pratchett

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.

~ Steve Allen

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He’d taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping—complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean.

~ Diana Rowland

Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.

~ Katharine Hepburn

So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?”Leather brushed her chin as he tipped it up. Serious dark eyes met hers. “What did he say?”She glanced around; surely the footmen were too far away to hear. “He wanted to join us in our bed.”“I’ll run him through.”“No! Perhaps he only said it to goad you into a duel. Perhaps it was intended as a way to kill you.”“It was an insult to you, love. That can’t be ignored.”“And so you rush inexorably toward death. I don’t care if he stands on a Drury Lane stage and calls me a courtesan, I won’t have you risking your life.

~ Sharon Page

This showed once again that everyone had something different to lose in this battle. Some were concerned for their lives, and some for those they cared most about: rays, sea horses, even the chickens that ran free in the streets of the city because they couldn't all be caught in time.

~ Kai Meyer

I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima

~ Ernest Hemingway

Neighbours complaining about someone’s dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn’t been much left of the old girl worth eating.

~ James Oswald

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to die alone in my home, and my cats will eat me because I am too dead to open their food cans.

~ Kelli Jae Baeli

If I weren't already dead, I'd have to kill myself just so I could roll over in my grave.

~ D.j. Machale

Змейк беседовал в углу с двумя металлами, недавно пробившимися из глубин Земли и не имеющими понятия о формах жизни на ее поверхности. Со всей вежливостью принимающей стороны он занимал гостей беседой, но трудно было сказать, насколько эта беседа занимала его самого. Собственно, Змейк собирался рассказать анекдот, однако необходимая для понимания анекдота преамбула даже при лаконичности Змейка потребовала не меньше минуты:— Люди состоят из соединений углерода и потребляют кислород. Смерть есть прекращение химических реакций одного типа, — Змейк поймал на себе взгляд Гвидиона, которого явно заинтересовал его учитель, дающий определение смерти, и спокойно закончил: — и начало совершенно иных химических реакций.

~ Anna Korostelyova

When I die I hope it may be said:'Her suffering was black, but her books were read'.

~ Shannon L. Alder

What's it like?Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

~ Rob Grant

I would have had to kill him, and Death, you know, keeps secrets better even than a guilty Roman.

~ Hafiz

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

If you Have ever Fainted, You Are a stranger in the land of the dead!

~ Antoni Omeihe

Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.

~ Jim Butcher

In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.

~ Douglas Adams

Nobody seems to understand that in such matters the tact and sympathy should come from the one who is about to die, not the poor bugger who has to take the news.

~ Stephen Fry

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

~ Kristina Mcbride

Do you know how wizards like to be buried?Yes!Well, how?Granny Weatherwax paused at the bottom of the stairs.Reluctantly.

~ Terry Pratchett

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable.

~ Kris D'agostino

I take this continent with me into the grave.

~ Ray Bradbury

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?

~ Alison Bechdel

He was a dying man looking down on the surgeons trying to save him.

~ John Green

I'm a survivor, I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary.

~ Tobias Wolff

It's such a silly little thing, the heart.

~ Ned Vizzini

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

~ Suzy Kassem

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

~ Karl Lagerfeld