Humor Quotes

I realize you're planning on fighting all the dragons single-handedly-I'm going to protect you from John, dammit. Show him that he can't fucking mess with you. This is about territory.Tom narrowed his eyes. Are you going to piss a circle around me too?If that's what it takes.

~ S.e. Jakes

What time is it?”“One o'clock.”I nearly spit out some soda. “In theafternoon?”“No. In the morning. Don't let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies.

~ Glenn Bullion

But nowhere in the file had anyone said, “Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.

~ Lish Mcbride

You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

~ Nenia Campbell

There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.

~ Ryan Lilly

His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane.” Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.“Ah.” Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. “He is dead then? Ser Gregor?”“I would think so, my lord,” Aurane Waters said dryly. “I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal.

~ George R.r. Martin

I'm financially ugly.

~ Rea Lidde

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

~ Brandon Sanderson

As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.

~ Rick Riordan

We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.

~ Nenia Campbell

A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.

~ Nenia Campbell

Do I have to get diapers?” he asked.“Why, did Kade shit himself?” she laughed.Dylan huffed loudly.  Eyebrows knitted together, “DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?”Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, “Don’t you think it’s too early to start drinking?  You just got up…”“IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?”“I’M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?”My God, you have surrounded me with idiots.

~ Christine Zolendz

Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. I'm sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.

~ Laini Taylor

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

~ Nenia Campbell

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again.One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.

~ G.k. Chesterton

If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it.

~ Marcy Sheiner

Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

~ Nenia Campbell

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.''You had sex then?''No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare. Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt

~ Ashley Jeffery

Julio was willing to bet that Officer I've Seen It All Mac had never seen a horde of black-skinned demons wearing rags and armor and carrying swords and spears, dragging a naked woman and a chubby boy by a rope. No, he was willing to bet his left nut that even officer Mac had never seen such a thing.

~ Brom

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

~ George Carlin

Fine. Okay. I killed her. But I didn’t mean to. And I didn’t kill her, kill her.”“Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay.

~ Karen Marie Moning

That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace.

~ J.d. Salinger

You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?

~ Josh Lanyon

When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I’m a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, “Hello, Jeff,” and sat down again next to my father.

~ Michael Thomas Ford

Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert symphony, something about travel and money again, and we lay there, both of our breaths bad, both of our underwear dangling elastic, and then you turned toward me with a gaze like two matches, putting the horoscope aside, you traced my buried ribs with your index finger, lingered at my collarbone, admiring it as one might a flying buttress, murmuring: Nice clavicle. And me, too new at it and scared, not knowing what to say, whispering: You should see my ten-speed.

~ Lorrie Moore

Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?'' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher.Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it teachers ask ' Would you like to?' No teen ever wants to stand in front of strangers and be forced to talk about them. - Lenore Lee from Whitby After Dark

~ Stella Coulson

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!

~ Elizabeth Peters

Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?” he asked. “I have already learned not to speak to strangers.” “Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond.” “I am disinclined to know you.

~ Gregory Maguire

You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me.

~ Nicki Elson

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.

~ George Carlin

What? You mean this crap shack isn't part of the Four Seasons. Shocking.

~ Ashley Elston

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

~ Nenia Campbell

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!

~ Gina Damico

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and I realize that they are fighting laughter over my terrible plight. There's friendship for you.

~ Libba Bray

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without a scope who cares am I? This is why I must but must be one of the inhabitants of MTV's Real World. Only there, burning brightly into a million dazzled eyes, will my as yet uncontoured self assume the beauteous forms that are not just its own, but an entire market niche's, due. I am a Kirk Cameron-Kurt Cobain figure, roguishly quirky, dandified but down to earth, kooky but comprehensible; denizen of the growing penumbra between alternative and mainstream culture; angsty prophet of the already bygone apocalypse, yet upbeat, stylish and sexy!Oscar Wilde wrote, Good artists exist in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating... [they] live the poetry [they] cannot write. As with Dorian Gray, life is my art! Oh MTV, take me, make me, wake me from my formless slumbers and place me in the dreamy Real World of target marketing.

~ Dave Eggers

Don't sound so surprised. I have sensible moments, you know.

~ Elizabeth Peters

If she hasn't learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it's not likely she will.

~ Elizabeth Peters

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.

~ K. Martin Beckner

Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.

~ Rachel Caine

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.

~ Rose Wynters