Humor Quotes

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website comment section.

~ Jim Gaffigan

You're not a book person. And now you're not an internet person? What does that leave you?

~ Rainbow Rowell

We are a generation that is obsessed with nostalgia. Everything from the past is so readily available in ways that it never was before and because of that, western civilization will experience a period of arrested growth. The future holds fifty-year-old men and women running Disney Princess blogs. Bank on it.

~ Jayme K.

There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don't know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and car wax.

~ J. Lincoln Fenn

Hippos are the very definition of Disney cute. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, Id she could talk like a human, she would sound just like Jada Pinkett Smith and be oh so sassy. You would totally name her Sassy-baskets, and she would be your tutu-wearing, ballet-dancing, strut-walking pal for life. Just you and Sassy-baskets against the world!

~ Cracked.com

Charter boats are like books with no covers.

~ Tania Aebi

There's a big luscious peach of a dream in L.A. The peach has been repeatedly exposed as overripe and tainted with wormholes... but it's still the only giant peach in town. Even if it's wet-brown and crawling with centipedes, everyone wants their bite.

~ Cintra Wilson

We are not just tickling the dragon’s tail, we are timing a flyby through its open jaws while it is yawning.

~ Marko Kloos

Mind you,” said Ponder, “the universe does have a rhythm. Day and night, light and dark, life and death—” “Chicken soup and croutons,” said Ridcully. Well, not evert metaphor bears close examination.

~ Terry Pratchett

You know you're about as forthcoming as a mime.

~ Shirley Jump

Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

His smile was so wide he’d have had to break it into sections to fit it through a doorway

~ Jerry Spinelli

When the management iceberg is shaped like a huge phallus, you know that there are a lot of tossers that the top penguin has had to climb over to reach the tip and that there is no shortage of the same caliber of penguin in the balls and shaft of the corporation, just waiting for their chance to get a spurt to the top. Should I sugar coat this a little more? or tell it like it is?

~ Daniel Prokop

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

~ Christopher Moore

Girls do go for the finely-chiselled. And apart from his looks, he's and artist, and there's something about artists that seems to act on the other sex like catnip on cats.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Artists are dishonest creatures really. They foist their version of reality upon us while making it all up. Writers, painters, musicians, auteurs—they’re all the same.

~ Tom Gething From Sabotage

....Love is not only wired, but elusive too.

~ Farooq A. Shiekh

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

~ Diane Samuels

I have been studying the principles of socialism deeply of late, and I came to the conclusion that I must join the cause. It looked good to me. You work for the equal distribution of property and start in by swiping all you can and sitting on it. Ah, noble scheme! Me for it!

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

~ Dave Barry

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.

~ Hank Aaron

Outcasts may grow up to be novelists and filmmakers and computer tycoons, but they will never be the athletic ruling class.

~ Chuck Klosterman

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.

~ George Carlin

Sports fans eat shit.

~ George Carlin

wouldn't you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?'As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs to little ones, and mandatory LASIK surgery for NFL refs.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

If you have not seen it, FOOTBALL is a game in which men shove one another back and forth for no reason. They do not choose how, when, or whom they shove. All that has been decided for them in advance. All they need to do is follow the orders given to them before the game, showing them where to run and how to violently deploy the meat of their bodies against the meat that is running at them. They are doing this in order to please one angry old man on the sidelines. This old man is called the coach or yelling surrogate dad who will never be happy.

~ John Hodgman

I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.

~ Leo Durocher

I've fallen in love with baseball.

~ Nick Jonas

There's something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you're playing team sports, people think you're okay.

~ Polly Horvath

Sure, there is an undeniable pleasure in rooting for a winning team and in being able to look down on opposing fans with equal measures of superiority and disdain. But that's also the Ruthian drawback in rooting for the Yankees (along with high ticket prices, overpriced concessions and crude neighbors). The true pleasure in sports comes not from simply winning but from watching a team overcome adversity to win in the end. The joy of sports is never the final destination, it's the journey. It's experiencing the highs and lows, and appreciating those highs all the more because of the awful lows.

~ Jim Caple

A baseball club for girls?

~ Emily J. Proctor

He cried like a jockey who'd just lost the Kentucky Derby by a few nostril hairs.

~ Walter Witty

He who thinks he's the best is not the best... And the one who thinks he who thinks he's the best is not the best is also not the best.

~ Suky Achchille

Wisdom of the Ages Assault and Battery Weather forecast for the St. Louis Rams next Sunday in Seattle.

~ Matthew D. Heines

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

~ H.g. Wells

'Why are you yelling at the television when you know they cannot hear you?' 'You wouldn't understand,' said Asher, his gaze locked on the screen. 'It's a human thing.'

~ Rowan Mcbride

I don't get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can't understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field--court--to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in the air. I guess it's better than golf, but so is watching paint dry.

~ Carter Quinn

The guys who play it [soccer] are kinda dumb. Why don't they just kick the crap out of the guy in front of the net? Then they could score all they want.

~ Tite Kubo

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin, has a population of one hundred thousand. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets--who next year need to just shut the hell up and play.Now, me personally, I haven't watched a Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out during halftime. and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned by eyes and offended me as a Christian. But I get it--who doesn't love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving one another brain damage on a giant flatscreen TV with a picture so real it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room, grabbing your s

~ Bill Maher

At least watching dirty movies can be kind of fascinating if they aren't too horribly strange. And even the horribly strange ones are still more interesting than televised sports.

~ Merrill Markoe