Humor Quotes

You'll like it less when you hear what they've been building. It's a big raised platform at the end of the square about two metres above the ground, with steps running up to it.''Like a stage?' Erak suggested. 'Maybe they're going to put on a play.''Or an execution,' Horace said.

~ John Flanagan

Slaying dragons, melting witches, and banishing demons is all fun and games until someone loses a sidekick—then it’s personal. The bad guy isn’t just the “bad guy” anymore, he’s the BAD GUY!

~ Michael J. Sullivan

Words are the bones. Writing is the lungs. Reading is like breathing.

~ T.l. Crain

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be 'and,' 'the,' and 'I,' and 'it,' and so on, and there's a huge number to choose from, so a lot of the work has been done for you.

~ Terry Pratchett

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Follow the ideal doing,grind the beans just before brewing.Use spring water,for softened water,makes a horror.A parley perfect,between the coffee,and the milk,with some, brown sugar thick.” (Poem: An apology of a coffee lunatic, Book: Ginger and Honey)

~ Jasleen Kaur Gumber

Homeowners' Association: the means whereby people who own homes are able to transfer their rights to the neighborhood control freaks.

~ Ron Brackin

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

~ Steven Wright

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

~ James Barrett Reston

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

~ Melika Dannese Lux

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

~ Cole Mccade

If you were in paris your food might as well glitter.

~ Michelle Gable

... Paris was a city of love for unimaginative folks.

~ Lauren Morrill

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren't two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what we want to do about it. Fundamentally, there is one kind of thing we do: live our lives. And we can reflect on this activity more or less abstractly.

~ Eric Kaplan

He had no idea about the 'loving deeply' part. Scarlet was the one love he'd had. They'd married the weekend after they'd discovered they both like sangria. He'd thought they were waltzing through life and it turned out she was line dancing.

~ Jodi Thomas

I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!

~ Jillianne Hamilton

I had never thought much of genealogy. A lot of wasted time collecting the names of the dead. Then stringing those names, like skulls upon a wire, into an entirely private and thus irrelevant narrative, lacking any historical significance. The narcissistic pastime of nostalgic bores.

~ Joshua Ferris

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon.

~ J.r. Ward

Now I feel like James Bond. Suave and intelligent, breaking all the codes while looking fabulous.

~ Jim Butcher

What a situation!' cried Miss Squeers; '...What is the reason that men fall in love with me, whether I like it or not, and desert their chosen intendeds for my sake?' 'Because they can't help it, miss,' replied the girl; 'the reason's plain.' (If Miss Squeers were the reason, it was very plain.)

~ Charles Dickens

I hope the artist who illustrates this work will take care to do justice to his portrait. Mr. Clive himself, let that painter be assured, will not be too well pleased if his countenance and figure do not receive proper attention.

~ William Makepeace Thackeray

Vanity was the beginning and the end of Sir Walter Elliot's character; vanity of person and of situation. He had been remarkably handsome in his youth; and, at fifty-four, was still a very fine man. Few women could think more of their personal appearance than he did; nor could the valet of any new-made lord be more delighted with the place he held in society. He considered the blessing of beauty as inferior only to the blessing of a baronetcy; and the Sir Walter Elliot, who united these gifts, was the constant object of his warmest respect and devotion.

~ Jane Austen

We had a teacher called Fanny Menlove, and I remember once when she was out of the room Nancy went up to the blackboard and wrote it backward - Menlove Fanny - and we all fell around laughing. She got into big trouble, but she didn't seem to mind. She had no fear.

~ Peter Fitzsimons

Fake boobs are weird ya'll read by Patrick Stewart.

~ Amy Poehler

I do not think my life would make a very interesting book,' I say. 'I feel I can speak with a certain amount of authority here.

~ Paul Murray

But I was eventually okay. And you will be okay too. Here's why. I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks.

~ Amy Poehler

The Book Highlights and Attacks areas of Inefficiency and Hypocrisy in Government Offices. It injects the much-need Enema into its Highly Constipated System.

~ Mahesh Ubhayakar

A Book for the Service Minded as well as the Government Bashers, on How to Be and How Not to Be.

~ Mahesh Ubhayakar

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

~ Gail Carriger

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

~ Brian P. Cleary

That woman could spread gossip faster than the flu in a whorehouse.

~ Jean Oram

Persons of quality had devoted yester evening and much of the night to liquidating their holdings in the South Sea Company and gathering in clubs and coffeehouses to misinform one another.

~ Neal Stephenson

Maybe taming my tongue will be good for me in the end. But it's pretty hard when you've got a world filled with idiots from Drunkopolis.

~ A.j. Jacobs

A peaceful refuge in which to rediscover each other, we thought not realizing that, while golf and fishing are Scotland's most popular outdoor sports, gossip is the most popular indoor sport.

~ Diana Gabaldon

Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn't that be satisfying?

~ Lemony Snicket

Thank God for imminent doomsday.

~ Jim Butcher

Will the last person on the planet please turn off the lights?

~ John Joseph Adams

It's an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!

~ Rick Yancey

Wasn’t allowed to have pets. I killed my pet cockroach when it crawled into my ear.

~ Katherine Mcintyre

Everyone should be comfy during the apocalypse.

~ J. Cornell Michel