Humorous Quotes

And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don't want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!Good Heavens! said Pippin. At breakfast?

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.

~ Douglas Adams

The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.

~ G.k. Chesterton

I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy.

~ Tamora Pierce

It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?

~ Amy Neftzger

But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

~ Lemony Snicket

It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.

~ Terry Pratchett

The front door swung open, and Zsadist strode into the house. Wrath glared. Nice of you to show up, Z. Busy tonight with the females?How about you get off my dick?

~ J.r. Ward

I disliked numbers, and they didn't think much of me either.

~ R.j. Anderson

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? - Tabitha

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Daddy, What's the horizontal tango?

~ Simone Elkeles

He's given me enough homework to last ten years. I'm gonna die of nerdism.

~ Mark A. Cooper

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you.

~ Louise Rennison

...personal torture instructor...I mean physical therapist.

~ Simone Elkeles

Still trying to save the world?” “Always,” I said, “and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s working. The world is still here.

~ Nicole Williams

They're a little strange, but I'm pretty sure neither of them is going to try to make me uncomfortable by stripping naked.

~ Suzanne Collins

I don't get why prom is like a mini-wedding these days...No one should spend that kind of money for a high school dance.

~ Deb Caletti

I can't help but laugh into my next sip of water. For the first time, mine doesn't seem so bad.I don't know why you're fucking laughing. You have a girl's name and no middle name.

~ Krista Ritchie

If they're not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.

~ Carroll Bryant

What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks.I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say in my best seductive voice.Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.”“Really,” I say. “I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling.

~ Suzanne Collins

It’s alright, Kitten,” Bones said. “He won’t shoot.” Tate lowered his gun, even as the sudden dizziness from blood-loss made me sway. Bones took my gun and casually handed it to Juan, who gapped at him in amazement. “You called her Kitten? And she let you? She put me in a coma for three days when I called her that. My balls never recovered from her smashing them into my spine.” “And well she should have,” Bones agreed. “She’s mine. Kitten, and no one else’s.

~ Jeaniene Frost

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

~ Jill Shalvis

Not really a party until someone brings the surprise zombies.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I didn't do it,' he insisted.'Then why did you run?' Sabrina asked.'And send rabbits to eat us! I'm a seven-year-old girl,' Daphne said. 'Do you know how important bunny rabbits are to me?

~ Michael Buckley

As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human. A female on her back. And a male facedown not breathing.

~ J.r. Ward

Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?

~ Carroll Bryant

Wroth, darling,” she purred, smiling so sweetly. “I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free.

~ Kresley Cole

You should go. I can't. Because you want to stare at the monster? Alec's green eyes blaze, but with a wholly human fire now. Or because you pity me? I couldn't guess which possibility he loathes more. I fold my arms. I can't leave because the door's locked. Believe me, I would've gone hours ago if I could have. Oh. Of course. Then he looks so abashed--so boyish, and so handsome--that I almost want to laugh.

~ Claudia Gray

I don't care how impossible it seems.

~ David Byrne

She looked like a head-on collision between a fashion plate and a nightmare.

~ L.m. Montgomery

For people who like that kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they like.

~ Artemus Ward

Has there ever been an Inquisitor who didn't die a horrible death? Simon wondered out loud. It's like being the drummer in Spinal Tap.

~ Cassandra Clare

Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!

~ Ransom Riggs

I was behaving, just like I promised, but fate intervened.

~ Katherine Paterson

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut them off along with other body parts you might want to use one day. Got it? Jacque told him with as much force as she could put behind her words.

~ Quinn Loftis

Moreover, if great men are the only hope of the Evolutionary Process, they are morally bound to rule over the masses for their own good -- we are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don't know -- and the masses have no right whatsoever to resist them.

~ W.h. Auden

Jane: Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our virginity together. He never called me again and actually turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction whenever he saw me on campus. Unless you're going to do that, I don't think were gonna have a problem. Gabriel?Gabriel: Sorry. Something strange happened inside my head when you said the word panties. The overwhelming urge to kill Dave Chandler combined with a simultaneous loss of blood to the brain.

~ Molly Harper

I lifted my wand, hoping she would see this as a dramatic move, not a threat. “Why once, in my bunker at Charing Cross Station, I stalked thedeadly prey known as Jelly Babies.”Neith’s eyes widened. “They are dangerous?”“Horrible,” I agreed. “Oh, they seem small alone, but they always appear in great numbers. Sticky, fattening—quite deadly. There I was, alonewith only two quid and a Tube pass, beset by Jelly Babies, when…Ah, but never mind. When the Jelly Babies come for you…you will find out onyour own.”She lowered her bow. “Tell me. I must know how to hunt Jelly Babies.”I looked at Walt gravely. “How many months have I trained you, Walt?”“Seven,” he said. “Almost eight.”“And have I ever deemed you worthy of hunting Jelly Babies with me?”“Uh…no.

~ Rick Riordan

A weapon, I told Horus. I need a weapon.I reached into the Duat and pulled out an ostrich feather.“Really?” I yelled.Horus didn’t answer

~ Rick Riordan

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

~ Jill Shalvis