Humorous Quotes

If it’s going to be two against one, make sure you aren’t the one.

~ Jill Shalvis

As a purely mathematical fact, people who sleep less live more.

~ Amy Chua

Accept that some days you’re the bug, and some days you’re going to be the windshield.

~ Jill Shalvis

He swallowed. “Have you no modesty?” Never in his life had he encountered a female so quick to be naked. Of course, he’d never in his life encountered a female who should so utterly be naked at any chance.

~ Kresley Cole

There are all kinds of psychological disorders in the West that don't exist in Asia.

~ Amy Chua

‎If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big.

~ Terry Pratchett

And I'll wash your other clothes. Shall I also order you a new set of leathers?Don't- Wrath shut his mouth. Sure. That'd be great. And, ah, could you get me some boxers? Black? XXL?

~ J.r. Ward

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land.(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

~ Dave Barry

Otis barreled towards them empty-handed, before apparently realizing that a) he was empty-handed and b) charging towards a large body of water to fight a son of Poseidon was maybe not a good idea.

~ Rick Riordan

Okay, boys.” Pestilence's grating voice rang out. “Kill the human and the mutt, and let's get this Apocalypse started!

~ Larissa Ione

In the middle of the night I am awakened by a sound. I sit up abruptly in bed. I hear it again. It's music. Wait, it sounds like the ice cream man, in our house. Is this some kind of twisted nightmare? The flipping ice cream man, breaking in to chop us all up in our beds to the tune of 'Zippity Do Dah'?... My heart slows. I remember. There is no psycho ice cream man here. It is just our new musical soap dispenser...

~ Deb Caletti

I'm more of a dog person. But I admire cats and their ability to take so much while giving so little.

~ Jeri Smith-Ready

Two fairies were sleeping peacefully on his bed. Dinnie was immediately depressed. He knew that he did not have enough money to see a therapist.

~ Martin Millar

I nod and smile and smile and nod, and when she turns away, I form a gun with my hand, place it to my temple, and pull the trigger. This girl is starved for attention. It's amazing to me when people are totally unaware of how bad they are at socializing.

~ Victoria Scott

She narrowed her eyes and concentrated on his mouth. Name. He wanted her name. She had to think about it for a second before she remembered. Great. She must have hit her head. Which, duh, explained the headache.

~ Larissa Ione

There is no need to masturbate your brain, just to ejaculate your thoughts all over the place

~ Carroll Bryant

Ish #153 Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

~ Regina Griffin

She is an incredibly intelligent idiot

~ Gillian Flynn

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.

~ Ogden Nash

If you don't have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?

~ Elizabeth Eulberg

Here you go, dear. The corners of Mrs. Colbert's mouth curled up. You like meat, don't you?Emily blinked. Was it her, or did that statement seem...loaded? She checked Issac for his reaction, but he was innocently selecting a roll from a wicker basket. Uh, thanks. Emily said, pulling the platter toward her. She did like meat. The kind you, um, eat.

~ Sara Shepard

Note to self-give serious thought to becoming an alcoholic.

~ Jill Shalvis

It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.

~ Neil Gaiman

Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card...

~ Jill Shalvis

(Malory, unhopeful: I don't suppose you have any tea? Jesse: DO YOU WANT EARL GREY OR DARJEELING? Malory: Oh, sweet heavens!)

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

~ Carroll Bryant

By the Angel, this place is barely better than a penny gaff,” Gideon said. “Gabriel, don’t look at anything unless I tell you it’s all right.

~ Cassandra Clare

Shall I add a man to my collection?

~ Patricia A. Mckillip

Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants.

~ J.r. Ward

Jane: Missy was not so subtly reminding me that she had done something nice for me and here i was being rude when all she was asking me to do was attend a nice party. This was the way southern women worked all peaches & cream laced with arsenic.

~ Molly Harper

So I'm all, Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you! Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)

~ Christopher Moore

Your ma's dating? Tim looks shocked. I thought she pretty much confined herself to a vibrator and the shower nozzle since your dad screwed her over.

~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.

~ Derek Landy

As far as the Council is concerned, the U.S. Wardens are a bunch of mushrooms.Eh?Kept in the dark and fed on bullshit.

~ Jim Butcher

It wasn’t until someone kicked his legs that Nik woke up. Alek, snoring beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Ban snoring on the other couch, the noise rivaled only by the dog. He looked into the impossibly cranky face of Zach Sheridan. “Y’all get food?” “We had a full refrigerator before you three got here.” “Where I come from, we don’t let the refrigerator get empty.” “Where you come from, you marry your sister.

~ Shelly Laurenston

He also deeply distrusts vampires, as you had guessed yourself,” Bones added. “Aside from that, all I heard was enough repetitions of ‘how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck’ to make me want to stake myself.

~ Jeaniene Frost

And you’re kind of like a snowflake.’Oh, Jesus Christ.He masked his fleeting surprise with a quirked eyebrow. ‘Excuse me?’‘Nothing,’ I said quickly. ‘I didn’t say anything.’‘No, no,’ he said, rounding on me so his face was too close, his eyes too searing, his smile too irritating. ‘I’m a snowflake, am I?

~ Catherine Doyle

Just because you’re allowed to use magic now you don’t have to whip your wands out for every tiny little thing!

~ J.k. Rowling

I jerk around and see Sister Dora, a portly woman who's the head cook in the kitchen, staring daggers at me. This is nothing new. She stares daggers at everyone who walks through the lunch line holding a tray, as though our needing sustenance is a personal affront.

~ Pittacus Lore