Humorous Quotes

I need some kind of... like... last minute, poorly-set-up deus ex machina!!

~ Bryan Lee O'malley

Steampunk is nothing more than what happens when Goths discover brown.

~ Charles Stross

Being here? With you? I've met my subconscious, and he's not that sick.

~ Jim Butcher

Tanner: I think that I might kiss you to keep your lips busy with something other than insulting me.Ella: If you think you can do it without getting lost.

~ Melissa Lemon

Billy squinted at me. Why are you letting them go?Because they're real.How do you know?The one I was holding crapped on my hand.

~ Jim Butcher

literally: This word should be deleted. All too often, actions described as “literally” did not happen at all. As in, “He literally jumped out of his skin.” No, he did not. Though if he literally had, I’d suggest raising the element and proposing the piece for page one. Inserting “literally” willy-nilly reinforces the notion that breathless nitwits lurk within this newsroom. Eliminate on sight—the usage, not the nitwits. The nitwits are to be captured

~ Tom Rachman

Damon Scares me,' Maggie said. 'Maybe you should do what he wants.''Can't.''Why not?''Because he killed me. That kind of pisses me off

~ D.j. Machale

The nursery rhyme ends when a spider comes along and frightens Miss Muffet straight off her tuffet. I have wondered about what kind of lesson this is for a young girl. If you're eating your curds and whey and a spider comes along, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up a newspaper, smashing it, and going back to your breakfast.

~ Sloane Crosley

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

~ Carroll Bryant

Look at you, all Rocky Horror Picture Ho.

~ Michelle Rowen

Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.

~ Carroll Bryant

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

~ Victor Borge

My boyfriend dumped me. My best friend won't talk to me. My future is in a garbage can. Everything has turned to crap. Can you please just let me be a sullen teenager. just this once

~ J.j. Johnson

I let out a sound that was definitely not a whimper. It was something far more manly, no matter what it sounded like.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Time flies when you're falling down...(not from a book, it's a lyric)

~ Courtney Love

You're about as delicate as an AK-47.

~ Jill Hathaway

I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience.

~ Jane Austen

Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I'm a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior and well, sadly, I'm not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I'm a freshman and have been to dances with boys my age and even have gone out with boys, but I've never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway. Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time, when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn't feel so good. I'm pretty sure he didn't have it exactly right. So I talked to my friends, Katie and Lisa, about how to properly make out. But, well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.Just let him take the lead, do what ever he does.Um, couldn't that get me into a lot of trouble?Just sort of kiss his tongue, but try not to drool.Don't open your mouth too wide.And then, just open your mouth wide.See?Stupid, conflicting information.And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!I feel like I'm an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent, and the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the President is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!

~ Jillian Dodd

Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god.He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You warriors are so fucking hung and I really do need a man.

~ Caris Roane

In her small voice, Persephone said, I have nothing to add. After a moment of consideration, she added, however, If you are going to punch someone, don't put your thumb inside your fist. It would be a shame to break it.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Ease off the martyr throttle.

~ Jim Butcher

I'm sorry, but you just can't fit fabulous into a backpack.

~ Samantha Sotto

Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs. Colon worked all day and Sargent Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting.

~ Terry Pratchett

Could it be? Samantha Kingston? Home? On a Friday?” I roll my eyes. “I don’t know. Did you do a lot of acid in the sixties? Could be a flashback.” “I was two years old in 1960. I came too late for the party.” He leans down and pecks me on the head. I pull away out of habit. “And I’m not even going to ask how you know about acid flashbacks.” “What’s an acid flashback?” Izzy crows. “Nothing,” my dad and I say at the same time, and he smiles at me.

~ Lauren Oliver

A cupcake temple?' Her chest still tight with anxiety, Bertie forced herself to imagine it: bricks of pound cake mortared with buttercream and chocolate ganache, torches like striped birthday candles set into the walls, pilgrims upon the Path of Delectable Righteousness delivering daily tributes of almond paste and raspberry filling. . . .

~ Lisa Mantchev

You know, there are several gay men on the faculty. Professor Montag makes jelly beans look colorless(...)

~ Tara Lain

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.

~ Carroll Bryant

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Once I got home, though, and saw several packages on my front porch, all the crap from the day disappeared. A few had smiley faces on them. Squealing, I grabbed the boxes. Books were inside-- new release books I'd preordered weeks ago.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an ey

~ Derek Landy

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.

~ Derek Landy

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

~ Derek Landy

Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.

~ Michael A. Arnzen

Doubt is a lot like faith, A mustard's seed worth changes everything.

~ Donna Johnson

She spoke under her breath to Nick. Is there a reason he's only wearing one sock? He puked on his foot. Oh. She turned back to Huxley. Can we get you another sock? Maybe a blanket or something?

~ Julie James

Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn't put on enough deodorant for this.

~ Jill Shalvis

Seedy wasn't a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal.

~ Jim Butcher

Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?Yes, but I told him to put his pants back on and go home.

~ Christine Warren

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

~ Addison C. Arthur

What do they say about meeting a bear in the woods? Oh right, you shouldn't. And to make sure you don't, you should make a lot of noise so that they'll will know where you are and keep their distance because, supposedly, they're as nervous of us as we are of them. Which is all goo, except this bear doesn't seem the least bit nervous. He's giving me a look like I'm Goldilocks, ate his porridge, broke his chair, slept in his bed, and now it's payback time.- Widdershins

~ Charles De Lint