Humorous Quotes

Leandros's favorite place had turned out not to be vegetarian, but vegan, which was for people who preferred their suicide slow.

~ Rob Thurman

I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take.

~ Elizabeth Peters

...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine.

~ Jim Butcher

You got off on the wrong foot. I merely watched you shove it into your mouth.

~ Sabrina Jeffries

When you by nature subscribe to the view that everyone except yourself is a berk or a wanker, it is hard to bond with anybody in any rational common cause.

~ Lynne Truss

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).

~ Mary Roach

Where did you get that assault weapon?Assault weapon? Zach turned his head to look at her. Well, lookey there. You're cute when you blush.Maddie's face grew hotter, but at least he'd mistaken the reason for her embarrassment.Zach turned his face back toward the ceiling. That there's standard equipment, darlin'.There's nothing standard about that.I didn't hear you complaining.Of course not. You sprang it on me when I was mentally incompetent.Zach laughed out loud. That you were, sweet Maddie that you were. Maddie and Zach

~ Suzie Quint

I would so rock at running amuck.

~ K.c. Randall

Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too.

~ Amy Holder

She was the only doctor's wife in Branford, Maine, who hung her wash on an outdoor clothesline instead of putting it through a dryer, because she liked to look out the window and see the clothes blowing in the wind. She had been especially delighted, one day, when one sleeve of the top of her husband's pajamas, prodded by the stiff breeze off the bay, reached over and grabbed her nightgown around the waist.

~ Lois Lowry

It may have been observed that there is no regular path for getting outof love as there is for getting in. Some people look upon marriage as ashort cut that way, but it has been known to fail.

~ Thomas Hardy

I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.

~ Derek Landy

Cross.”His head popped up a few shelves over. “What?”“Check out the magic crap.”He shot me a look. “Oh, is that what we’re supposed to be doing? Because I’ve just been drawing hearts and our initials in the dirt.” Sophie + Archer

~ Rachel Hawkins

It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn't think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of letting me get to the gym where I would have transformed myself into a walking sex god, he created a Dunkin' Donuts out of nothing and then gave them away for free. I didn't make it to the gym. I had a bear claw instead. And a maple bar. And some donut holes. And then some more donut holes.

~ T.j. Klune

Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women's panties spontaneously evaporate.

~ Jim Butcher

Just Echo.

~ Jun Mochizuki

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

~ Will Cuppy

Mister Rob Anybody and sundry others? said one of the figures in a dreadful voice.There's naebody here o' that name! shouted Rob Anybody. We dinna know anythin'!We have here a list of criminal and civil charges totaling nineteen thousand, seven hundred and sixty-three separate offenses-We wasna there! yelled Rob Anybody desperately. Isn't that right, lads?-including more than two thousand cases of Making an Affray, Causing a Public Nuisance, Being Found Drunk, Being Found Very Drunk, Using Offensive Language (taking into account ninety-seven cases of Using Language That Was Probably Offensive If Anyone Else Could Understand It), Committing a Breach of the Peace, Malicious Lingering-It's mistaken identity! shouted Rob Anybody. It's no' oour fault! We wuz only standing there an' someone else did it and ran awa'!-Grand Theft, Petty Theft, Burglary, Housebreaking, Loitering with Intent to Commit a Felony-We wuz misunderstood when we was wee bairns! yelled Rob Anybody. Ye're only picking on us 'cause we're blue! We always get blamed for everythin'! The polis hate us! We wasna even in the country!

~ Terry Pratchett

SHUT UP!...PADDLE!

~ Ridley Pearson

They put me in a holding cell with a black kid and a white kid and a Chinese kid. We're the United Nations of juvenile delinquents.

~ Sherman Alexie

So here's my theory, and this is such crap science, I don't have to tell you. It's science without microscopes, blood tests, or reality.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

[Mrs. Allen was] never satisfied with the day unless she spent the chief of it by the side of Mrs. Thorpe, in what they called conversation, but in which there was scarcely ever any exchange of opinion, and not often any resemblance of subject, for Mrs. Thorpe talked chiefly of her children, and Mrs. Allen of her gowns.

~ Jane Austen

When I left high school with my diploma, it felt like I was holding a key that would unlock the door to a better world. Every teacher I passed on my way down to the parking lot—the ones who suspended me for questioning them both earnestly and in jest, suspended me for using a contumacious hip-shake as my hallway gait, suspended me for me being me—the ones who would roll their eyes if my behavior was, on the whole, unpatriotic, unjustified, and immature—well, on the way down that long black declivity, their faces seemed so contorted as if lurking shadows had vice grips locked on their kidneys, wrenching it every time a teacher didn't want to remain upright and respectful. Yes, they didn’t want to me to succeed either! I pledge allegiance to the flag that united every authority in that indefensible school looked at me, even treated me, as if I was a terrorist, or at the very least, unpatriotic. But God—didn’t the red blood, white skin, and blue balls that flagged my physical existence suffice for me to have a little liberty and justice?

~ Brian Celio

I refuse to have a life partner who spends his days pretending to be on a BBC show.

~ Lisa Lutz

Is this spirited man the cook? she shouted. Are you responsible for this delightful feast? What a piece of luck! … What is it you say, Mr. Apples?Like shittin' with the pope.No, the other thing, less vulgar.Whistlin' donkey.Quite! A surprise and a delight like a whistling … How is it that these phrases make sense when you say them? Anyway, bring him along.

~ Eli Brown

If only, I thought, I could talk to Eugene just one more time. This was before I came to understand that you cannot make someone fall in love with you But here's what you can do. By arguing and pleading and screaming and crying and throwing plates and phoning a lot and bringing hot food and sending flowers and buying gifts and doing unsolicited favors and remembering a birthday and being nice and declaring your abiding love and trying hard or sometimes merely by being present, you can make someone who was hitherto lukewarm really detest you.

~ Patricia Marx

Sorry. Sometimes my mouth engages before making contact with my brain.

~ Jayson James

Where's the pleasure in bein' the winner if the loser ain't alive to know they've lost?

~ Terry Pratchett

I'm basically one of the best people I know.

~ Jeff Kinney

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

~ Regina Griffin

Do you know why Satan is so angry all the time? Because whenever he works a particularly clever bit of mischief God uses it to serve his own Rigteous purposes.So God uses wicked people as his tools?God gives us the freedom to to do great evil, if we choose, then He uses his own freedom to create goodness out of that evil, for that is what He chooses.So, in the long run, God always wins?Yes, in the short run though it can be uncomfortable.

~ Orson Scott Card

There is, after all, no pleasure like that given by a woman who really wants to see you.

~ Anthony Powell

Despite the fact that he loves books and owns a bookstore, A.J. does not particularly care for writers. He finds them to be unkempt, narcissistic, silly, and generally unpleasant people. He tries to avoid the ones who've written books he loves for fear that they will ruin their books for him.

~ Gabrielle Zevin

You'll call me a damned Jew, a Christ murderer, a secret worshipper of pigs and a kidnapper of christian children.” This was all said cheerfully. “How absurd! Who would want to kidnap children, Christian or otherwise? Vile things. The only mercy of children is that they grow up, as my son has but then, tragically, they beget more children. We do not learn life's lessons.

~ Bernard Cornwell

I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it; knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence.

~ William Shakespeare

Are you by any chance acquainted with the words 'steel toe'? Or do the words 'permanent dent' mean anything to you?My locker door is not intimidated. My grandfather was a vault at Fort Knox, and if you try to dent me with a kick you will only tear some ligament that will never mend.

~ David Klass

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.

~ Etienne

I stamped, certified, and lipsticked my life in a package sent through Priority Mail directly to the devil herself...and there's no turning back.

~ Amy Holder

Hat head is a sad affliction wherein the chosen hat and the selected hairstyle are grossly incompatible. The unfortunate combination results in a condition that can be hidden only with the application of another hat.

~ Stephanie Pearl-Mcphee

Jewish vampires: Crosses & holy water won’t hurt me whatcha gonna try next?

~ Tasha Turner