Humorous Quotes

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it.

~ K. Martin Beckner

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.

~ Mark Twain

Oh my God, is it a bear?” Ian’s yell from across the camp made Snow stop. Then he choked as laughter spilled from his throat. “It’s not a bear, Ian,” Rowe yelled. “It’s just Snow. Gettin’ some.

~ Jocelynn Drake

When your novel first peeks its head into the world, it will look pretty much like every newborn: blotchy, hairless, and utterly confused.

~ Chris Baty

I’m not mad because I’m a woman,” I say. “I’m mad because you’re an asshole.

~ Margaret Atwood

For our radically misnamed “materialistic” civilization must above all cultivate the love of material, of earth, air, and water, of mountains and forests, of excellent food and imaginative housing and clothing, and of cherishing our artfully erotic contacts between human bodies. Certainly, all these so–called “things” are as impermanent as ripples in water, but what life, what love, what energy is there in a perfectly pure abstraction or a totally solid and eternally indestructible rock?

~ Alan W. Watts

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, isn't war the most demented activity ever invented?

~ Mary Pat Kelly

I know, I know. I rescued him and he’s bonded to me like a baby duck.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727) New Orleans, LA

~ Diana Hollingsworth Gessler

Late to bed, late to rise, command like hell and monetize.

~ Ben Tolosa

I don’t like to think because thinking leads me to overthinking and overthinking leads me to depression. Making decisions without thinking is often suicidal; therefore, I force myself to think without overthinking.

~ Ben Tolosa

Halt! We are attempting an arrest!”“Yeah, we’re aware,” Quinn muttered under her breath.

~ Ash Gray

Alright. So how are we getting down there? Can you turn invisible or something?”“What do I look like? A magician?”“Well, can you fight?”“Can you?”“No,” said Thalcu with a sad laugh. “Zonbiri women aren’t allowed to handle anything bigger than a butter knife. Not legally, anyway. Besides, I could never shoot a gun. My hands are used to pushing remote control buttons, pounding game controllers . . . picking the good chips from the bag.

~ Ash Gray

But what do you care about Qorlec?” went on Dr. Zorgone. “I heard you escaped Alsa Sif V, and immediately upon your departure,” he frowned, “you set coordinates for Earth?” He laughed softly, nastily, and Quinn felt anger shiver through her to see the twinkling mockery in his eyes. “What would your people think to know that, I wonder?” continued Dr. Zorgone, tilting his head. “The first place you ran to wasn’t Qorlec, wasn’t the ancient home of your ‘mighty’ ancestors, but the polluted shit-ball of ape people? The true home of the true empress is Earth.” His eyes danced over her, searching, hungry. “You speak Roknal and English fluently, but I bet you don’t know a damn lick of Aviye. The entirian princess isn’t even entirian --”“What do you want?” Quinn said abruptly.“What do I want?” repeated Dr. Zorgone, rolling his eyes to the starry sky. “Let’s see . . . What do I want? I always wanted an indoor pool.”Quinn’s lips tightened.

~ Ash Gray

There’s no point running anyway. In t-minus ten minutes, you will have no where to run to.”Quinn tensed at the triumphant look in his eyes. “. . .what have you done?”“I have entered launch codes in the computer. In exactly ten minutes, Alpha Star 9 will be a black stain in the middle of Utah.”Quinn’s lips part in shock.“Yes,” said. Dr. Zorgone in amusement. “Dramatic gasp!

~ Ash Gray

The sound of an English accent distracted her and lifted her spirits. She associated English accents with singing teapots, schools for witchcraft, and the science of deduction. This wasn't, she knew, terribly sophisticated of her, but she had no real guilt about it. She felt the English were themselves to blame for her feelings. They had spent a century relentlessly marketing their detectives and wizards and nannies, and they had to live with the results.

~ Joe Hill

I refuse to give readers an uplifting faux experience engineered to comfort them and perpetuate the sociopolitical and economic status quo.Who died and made you Bertolt Brecht?

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Americans can't stand any stranger looking them in the face. They take it as an insult. It's something they don't forgive. And every American carries a gun. If they catch you, a stranger, looking them in the face, they will shoot.

~ Okey Ndibe

You are not going to loot a candy shop in the middle of a war!

~ Rick Riordan

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

~ Charles Dickens

Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile

~ Alexander Pope

I still believe this Life is a good joke. And if you treat it that way, you will never stop laughing.

~ James Hauenstein

To do what is right can be a dirty messy business S. R. Tabone. Made it up for my Godfifa novel.

~ S.r.tabone

So much for a great opening speech, that sucker done tucked tail and is hiding in the deepest part of my brain, sucking its thumb.

~ Brandy Nacole

It is 32c today, and the only thing keeping me from hanging myself is the small sense of relief I glean from attaching my body to the vents of my delicious cooling piece. It is a stunning unit, exquisite in all its forms, exceptional in its application, and effective in all its functions. I would marry it, if only I knew it would not die on me sometime within the next five years. Appliances, like obedient children or silent extroverts, cannot last forever, and while my unbidden affection kept my other air conditioner alive for the better part of ten years, not all inanimate objects can be fueled by my love.

~ Michelle Franklin

McDonald, who was known to hate policemen, was once approached by two cops for a two-dollar donation. “We’re burying a policeman,” one of them said, to which Mike responded, “Here’s ten dollars. Bury five of them.

~ Gus Russo

Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig.

~ J.k. Rowling

I've never really learned how to do this. When we hunted, we had people to take care of what we caught.I thought you hunted with birds.We did.So the birds caught the animals, other people cleaned them... When you say 'hunting,' do you really mean 'going for a walk'?

~ Kate Sherwood

So you're getting back together with her? Just like that? Muriel asks.Not 'just like that'... How then? Muriel enjoys playing devil's advocate. For starters, it will have to be long distance for a while... She doesn't let up. For a while? Have you booked the U-Haul already?

~ Harper Bliss

Clarence Hurt was driving, and he got lost. “Does anyone know where the Post Office Building is?” Hurt asked at one point. “I can tell you,” Karpis said. “How do you know where it is?” asked Clyde Tolson, who sat in the backseat with Hoover. “We were thinking of robbing it,” Karpis said.

~ Bryan Burrough

You've got an answer for everything... It's one of the side effects of being right all the time.

~ Rachel Spangler

I think my underwear is curling off me like burning paper.

~ Sally Thorne

The reason I might forget something is because my mind is like a computer. I have so much useless stuff stored up in there, that when I forget to clean out my Mind's Cache, it has no room for new information. Like wearing pants!

~ James Hauenstein

Everything that has calories in my kitchen is my favorite

~ G.a. Mckevett

I jumped up and down and swore violently in seventeen languages.

~ Kevin Hearne

She wanted to run her hands over him as he whispered the impassioned corollaries of non-Euclidean geometry.

~ Sherry Thomas

Her sample drawings were clipped, rather subordinately, to her photograph. All of them were arresting. One of them was unforgettable. The unforgettable one was done in florid wash colors, with a caption that read: 'Forgive Them Their Trespasses.' It showed three small boys fishing in an odd-looking body of water, one of their jackets draped over a 'No Fishing!' sign. The tallest boy, in the foreground of the picture, appeared to have rickets in one leg and elephantiasis in the other--an effect, it was clear, that Miss Kramer had deliberately used to show that the boy was standing with his feet slightly apart.

~ J.d. Salinger

World opinion, though sharply divided on nuclear tests and the risk of atmospheric pollution, could congratulate itself on being united in its opposition to cannibalism. No country in the world was prepared to support the custom of eating the dead, though the right of governments to kill people, individually or by hundreds of thousands, was not questioned for a moment.

~ Leonard Wibberley

I have the Angela Jolie of vaginas.

~ Amy Poehler

Ah, but you must have a Christmas uncomplicated by murder.

~ Agatha Christie