Humorous Quotes

Rosalind exploded with a shriek worthy of a tea-kettle.

~ Emma Clifton

Are you in any pain? (Ariana Skyee)Only my heart. (Cal Remus)

~ Siobhan Davis

You're dying to meet my needs. You can't look away from my luscious half-naked body. The minute I opened the door you were pawing at me. It was like you were in heat or something.

~ Kylie Scott

Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public...

~ Oscar Wilde

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.

~ Oscar Wilde

If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand? ~ Gabi

~ Cherise Sinclair

Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone. Well in everyone but Peter.-Tris Prior

~ Veronica Roth

Hey Highbrow. Next time remember to tuck and roll.

~ Naima Simone

ALGERNON. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.JACK. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.ALGERNON. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven-...

~ Oscar Wilde

Hocus Pocus let's try to focus

~ Ellen Potter

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

~ Michael Hogan

Obviously life was a mean girl, and she was its bitch.

~ Naima Simone

Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two!

~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan

I’m too much a man for hysterics.”Liu, Marjorie M. (2009-01-20). Hunter Kiss: A Companion Novella to The Iron Hunt and Darkness Calls (A Hunter Kiss Novella) (Kindle Locations 355-356). Penguin Group US. Kindle Edition.

~ Marjorie M. Liu

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. Like, what, the DOM-matrix? ~Tara Reese

~ Lucian Bane

SNEER. But, what the deuce, is the confidante to be mad too?PUFF. To be sure she is. The confidante is always to do whatever her mistress does- weep when she weeps, smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad.-Now, Madam Confidante! But keep your madness in the background, if you please.

~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Our ancestors are very good kind of folks, but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.

~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan

jerk.smokes cigars.will die of lung cancer,hopefully soon.excellent physical shape.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

There is a safety mechanism in place [to ensure the perambulator doesn't turn back into a purse with a baby in it] : if anything weighing more than a pound and a half-about the weight of a three-volume novel-is in the carriage of the perambulator, it will not transform.

~ Lev A.c. Rosen

The word did not offer itself in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, any more than Caesar's heralds would have said, If you'd like a new kind of imperial experience, you might like to try giving allegiance to the new emperor.

~ N.t. Wright

Raven: The Reverend Mr Larynx has been called off on duty, to marry or bury (I don't know which) some unfortunate person or persons, at Claydyke:...

~ Thomas Love Peacock

Goodness, that stuff rips like paper,” she exclaimed, reaching to pull her tank top off. She was halfway through the action when the door opened and Alec walked into the room.“Izzy, are you—” he began. His eyes flew wide, and he backed up fast enough to smack his head into the wall behind him. “What is he doing here?”Isabelle tugged her tank top back down and glared at her brother. “You don’t knock now?”“It—It’s my bedroom!” Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position.

~ Cassandra Clare

It says adult prison on the gates, not Hogwarts. Now, get in and say hi to your new housmate.

~ Dean Cole

After that, he drank all the rest of the sherry, and Mr. Hubble drank the port, and the two talked (which I have since observed to be customary in such cases) as if they were of quite another race from the deceased, and were notoriously immortal.

~ Charles Dickens

He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel.

~ George Grossmith

He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.]

~ Charles Dickens

I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday… In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mange was brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it...I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again I should walk out of the house.

~ George Grossmith

I'm pretty well. So's the family, and so's the boys, except for a sort of rash as is a running through the school, and rather puts 'em off their feed. But it's a ill wind as blows no good to nobody; that's what I always say when them lads has a wisitation. A wisitation, sir, is the lot of mortality. Mortality itself, sir, is a wisitation. The world is chock full of wisitations; and if a boy repines at a wisitation and makes you uncomfortable with his noise, he must have his head punched. That's going according to the Scripter, that is.

~ Charles Dickens

He broke off and eyed with dignified surprise a fine piece of wireless telegraphy between husband and wife. It appeared that Mr. Negget sent off a humorous message with his left eye, the right being for some reason closed, to which Mrs. Negget replied with a series of frowns and staccato shakes of the head, which her husband found easily translatable. Under the austere stare of Mr. Bodfish their faces at once regained their wonted calm, and the ex-constable in a somewhat offended manner resumed his inquiries.

~ W.w. Jacobs

She was a most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from story to story was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea. Another noticeable circumstance in Mrs. Sparsit was, that she was never hurried. She would shoot with consummate velocity from the roof to the hall, yet would be in full possession of her breath and dignity on the moment of her arrival there. Neither was she ever seen by human vision to go at a great pace.

~ Charles Dickens

Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.

~ Laura L. Sullivan

Alexandra, my eldest, here, plays the piano, or reads or sews; Adelaida paints landscapes and portraits (but never finishes any); and Aglaya sits and does nothing. I don't work too much, either.

~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous old woman of limited means and unlimited infirmity, who used to go to sleep from six to seven every evening, in the society of youth who paid two pence per week each, for the improving opportunity of seeing her do it.

~ Charles Dickens

He told us that it had been a fine day to-day, and we told him that it had been a fine day yesterday, and then we all told each other that we thought it would be a fine day to-morrow; and George said the crops seemed to be coming up nicely.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills.

~ Guillermo Del Toro

So what are you supposed to do with it?He eyed her incredulously. For real? It's called a butt plug. What do you think you're supposed to do with it?She scratched her nose and nodded, trying not to let the apprehension show. Okay. I'll do it. But if it hurts, just let me know and I'll take it out, stat. Don't be a hero.He gaped at her and shook his head. Aw, no. Sweetie. That's not for me.

~ Christine Bell

Day blame ornery youngins.

~ L.douglas Muncy

Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could position herself so that she would be perceived as superior?

~ Laura L. Sullivan

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...

~ Laura L. Sullivan

Try picking on someone who can handle you, you worthless little limp dick of a shit. In retrospect I could have picked my taunts a little better. Obviously, the Horned God was very sensitive about his equipment.

~ K.h. Koehler