Humorous Quotes

To-day well, my Utopia, if ever I framed one, would be a land where the laws demanded that people should be vicious. Then one would be able to count at any rate on a little virtue. If no man might live with a woman in any but an irregular union, there would be at once quite a run on honest matrimony and the Law Courts would be full of desperately wicked monogamists; while if every one was expected to steal and swindle, there would soon be an extensive criminal class who respected property.

~ Edward Verrall Lucas

I walked back by way of the sea-lions' enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin's perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was pacing moodily about as usual, in what one felt to be the interval between a marriage ceremony and a funeral service. Much better, I thought, to have left the 2000 a year to him. No harm would then be done, and what perfect episcopal garden-parties he could give with it!

~ Edward Verrall Lucas

A mere wilderness, as you see, even now in December; but in summer a complete nursery of briers, a forest of thistles, a plantation of nettles, without any live stock but goats, that have eaten up all the bark of the trees. Here you see is the pedestal of a statue, with only half a leg and four toes remaining: there were many here once. When I was a boy, I used to sit every day on the shoulders of Hercules: what became of him I have never been able to ascertain. Neptune has been lying these seven years in the dust-hole; Atlas had his head knocked off to fit him for propping a shed; and only the day before yesterday we fished Bacchus out of the horse-pond.

~ Thomas Love Peacock

Raven: The Honourable Mr Listless is gone. He declared that, what with family quarrels in the morning, and ghosts at night, he could get neither sleep nor peace; and that the agitation was too much for his nerves: though Mr Glowry assured him that the ghost was only poor Crow walking in his sleep, and that the shroud and bloody turban were a sheet and a red nightcap.

~ Thomas Love Peacock

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

~ Christina Scalise

If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!

~ Tom Althouse

Sorry, I didn't see the big X with the words Top Secret Government Laboratory on the map, did you?

~ Julie Kagawa

Damn there were days being a woman confused the hell out of her.- Aella

~ Eve Langlais

'Your brain doesn't process language quite like other people. Why that is, I have no idea.' 'I have a superior brain?' 'Uh,' Eliot said, 'I wouldn't go that far.'

~ Max Barry

I sensed more than recognized the sound of those skeletal knuckles on the door. I was too young for it to be Death, so it had to be his mother.

~ Dan Skinner

The cup flew out of my hands and my God was it beautiful. I wish the Planet Earth video crew were there to film it at 100 frames per second so that we could watch it again at super slow motion in all of it’s glory.

~ David Bowick

May as well have ox blood running through those veins,” I added, “You’re as stubborn as one.

~ Katherine Mcintyre

Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.

~ Tom Althouse

I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It’s like a special competition in losing.

~ Miroslav Holub

You said, ‘Ramsey…oh Ramsey…please.’ Please, what?” She looked him straight in the eyes. “Please…let my people go!

~ Tessa Dawn

First her body goes missing, then her finger.

~ Bliss Addison

Flirt with the old ladies and you’ll be fine,” I muttered, shoving my stuff into the cubby. He hung his green hoodie on the hooks right beside me. “Is that how you get by?” “Doesn’t work on the old ladies for me, but the old men on the other hand?” I paused and glanced at my nails. “Yeah, doesn’t work on them either.

~ Katherine Mcintyre

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips.

~ Tom Althouse

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

~ Mark Jackman

As long as you're not 'gross full,' Raj said. That's when you're so full that it's hard to breathe because your stomach is pushing up into your lung region.

~ Christina Daley

Some people react to suffering by denying the very possibility of God's existence

~ Michael Ots

Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn't learn when I was little when was I going to learn? Kids who get Bart Simpson dolls at the drop of a hat turn into punks who steal from convenience stores, ‘cos they wind up thinking they can have whatever they want, just like that. So instead of a Bart doll he bought me an ugly porcelain pig with a slot in its back, and now I'll grow up to be okay, now I won't turn into a punk.

~ Etgar Keret

If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!

~ Sid Bolon

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...

~ Jonathan Dunne

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

~ Sol Luckman

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

~ Groucho Marx

He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.

~ Katherine Rundell

Did you once own ruby slippers, and did a house fall on your head? You're a daft little munchkin.

~ Heather Fleener

The photographer was lost for riposte, obvious though it should have been; instead he turned to run. At least his mind did. In fact, his mind had already scooted down the Broad Walk and was clambering over the railings at the end, whereas his body had remained rooted to the spot. With some effort he looked down at his feet as if to reprimand them. They refused to take notice.

~ James Herbert

If God gave Abraham a ram to prevent his slaying Isaac, He might stick a donkey in the bush for me to ride up this infernal mountainside.”~ Grace Madison, PhD.

~ N.l.b. Horton

That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit! Kylie faced her with a growl, causing Kat to reach over and smack her on the upper arm...hard, Cut its out! You don not get to play the I'm-so-dark-and- twisty-I-deserve-to-be-punished card.

~ Heather Fleener

That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!Cut it out! You do not to play the I'm-so-dark-and twisty-I deserve-to-be-punished card.

~ Heather Fleener

Make requests, not demands.example: “please” kill that zombie honey, I’m out of bullets.

~ Jesse Petersen

I am an archaeologist of mature vintage. Rapid descents are not my specialty. I am the plodding type.~ Grace Madison, PhD.

~ N.l.b. Horton

No magnetic wombats, no flying hyenas, no catfish masquerading as samurai, and, MOST CERTAINLY, no Duku jam!

~ Gina Marinello-Sweeney

Let me know if you're in any pain, we're going through your groin with a tiny tube up to your heart. Doctor Casey said.Really, that's how my girlfriend does it. Only she doesn't have to medicate me first.

~ Lori Lesko

Pissing out the window, and sh*tting out the window, are two different things!

~ Tourettes Guy

Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.

~ Wendy Aron

Muse usually gestured like an amphetamine-fueled Sicilian who's nearly gotten clipped by a speeding car.

~ Harlan Coben

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri