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Humorous Quotes

Humorous quote from classy quote

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn...

~ Cleo Peitsche

Cleo Peitsche Funny Humorous

The Pepto?” I asked.“The Pepto,” he sighed and read the label. “Yes, the Pepto. This, yes. The candies. They’re in here. I found them, yes. I found them here. You. You were sleeping. I found these. They’re yours, yes? I want them. If I can have them. These. These Pepto. Oh… yes. If I can have them I’d be grateful, yes… I’d follow you. I’d follow you now until the day you die. From now until then, yes. I’d follow you and I would be your one true compatriot. The Don Quixote to your Sancho Panza, the Batman to your Robin, the Huckleberry Finn to your Nigger Jim. Yours. You. And… hm… yes. From then on I’d do what you ask of me. As your one true ally to do what you need. I’d be the best friend you have. Best. All I ask for, to be yours until forever, is that you bestow upon me these delightful morsels I have found of yours for my consumptive pleasure.”“Yes,” I said, not thinking twice. “Take it. Eat’em.”“Eat’em, great,” he said. “Yes. A strange name, but I like it. That’s what you will call me then. Eat’em. Thank you for this.

~ Chase Webster

Chase Webster Chase Webster Eat Em Humorous

The early worm catches the fishies and all, you know.

~ Heather Fleener

Heather Fleener Humorous

Galaxies of nothing are going onin her eyes.

~ Caitlin Moran

Caitlin Moran Humorous

Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it's honey. In fact, I may not even be a real person, but just a vow of vengeance made flesh.

~ Laini Taylor

Laini Taylor Humor Humorous Revenge Vengeance Zuzana

My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon on the side.

~ Varsha Bajaj

Varsha Bajaj Adventure Humorous Life

What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin? Try to. Love to...

~ Kresley Cole

Kresley Cole Humorous Romantic

My son's got the I.Q. Of a robot but I don't have the dough to send him to school.

~ Jonathan Dunne

Jonathan Dunne Humorous

When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a woman.

~ Mercedes Lackey

Mercedes Lackey Humorous Men Vs Women

Diesel sucked air. You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

~ Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Funny Humor Humorous

If this was mental illness, or even just a particularly clinical case of adolescence, I was bearing up pretty well.

~ Barbara Ehrenreich

Barbara Ehrenreich Humorous Teenagers

You’re a terrible woman Nox, but by the stars I love you beyond words themselves

~ K. K Weakley

K. K Weakley Humorous Kiril Lord Of Zantar Love Story

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.

~ Bill Bryson

Bill Bryson Funny Humorous Political Politics

One of the fundamental axioms of masculine self-regard is that the tools and appurtenances of a man's life must be containable within the pockets of his jacket and pants. Wallet, keys, gum, show or ball game tickets, Kleenex, condoms, cell phone, maybe a lighter and a pack of cigarettes: Just cram it all in there, motherfucker.

~ Michael Chabon

Michael Chabon Humorous

Free will always results in collateral damage.

~ J. Lincoln Fenn

J. Lincoln Fenn Damage Humor Humorous

There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don’t know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and car wax.

~ J. Lincoln Fenn

J. Lincoln Fenn Humor Humorous Internet Marketing Web

That is my story. Believe what you will. I remember it all, I remember it still.

~ Mili Fay

Mili Fay Humorous

Fighting with tangles,fighting with curls,the poor barber yanked,the poor barber pulled,until with one last effort(and to the wonder of us all)a GINORMOUS Polar Bearlanded on the floor.

~ Mili Fay

Mili Fay Animals Haircut Humorous Polar Bear

Ruric clung to me and shouted, Your father. Looking down below I saw my father running after us, several alarmed guards trailing him. As I watched, the High Lord's slight demon shape began to shimmer in a remarkable transformation that stretched him out and out and up into a huge and long, black serpentine dragon. It was a glorious sight, one I'd never thought to see. He launched himself gracefully into the air amidst shouted protests from his guards, a large dragon smile on his face that showed more free and delighted emotion than I'd ever seen on his face. ...His poor guards. An eight-member team set out at a dead run after us. They must be having a hissy fit over my father taking off like that, alone, unguarded. Although I couldn't imagine what could possibly be of threat to a four-ton, fire-breathing dragon.

~ Sunny

Sunny Humorous Trickery

I never said she was a lady.

~ K. K Weakley

K. K Weakley Eron Humorous Lord Of Zantar

Holy Crap, Kaitriana you are one wicked Witch.

~ Heather Fleener

Heather Fleener Humorous

No ruby slippers here, just a lot of supernatural jackassess.

~ Heather Fleener

Heather Fleener Humorous

His words were coated with glorious boredom

~ Sarah J. Maas

Sarah J. Maas Humorous

You don't even know if she really likes you, Oberon said as we exited and I unlocked my bike. She could be doing her customer service routine and stringing you along in hopes of a big tip the next time you come in. With dogs you just go up and smell their asses and you know where you stand, it's so much easier. Why can't humans do that?

~ Kevin Hearne

Kevin Hearne Humorous Oberon

There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you’re determined to dislike for no good reason.

~ Gregory David Roberts

Gregory David Roberts Hilarious Human Judgement Humorous Ironic True True To Life

College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.

~ Korey Miracle

Korey Miracle College Humor Humorous Intelligent Qualified True Truth

Why are you worrying about you-know-who?You should be worrying about u-no-poo!The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humorous Humorous Quotes

You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you've got to go and who is the real turkey.

~ Shirley Maclaine

Shirley Maclaine Dysfunctional Families Family Dinners Humorous

No,I just thought I'd shoot bullets out of my nose

~ Veronica Roth

Veronica Roth Humorous

Showing up underdressed is as smart as standing in the marketplace and shouting you've become an agent for the crown.I'd hang myself first. I hate being a female.Well until you sprout a beard and cock there you are.

~ Lynn Viehl

Lynn Viehl Clothes Shopping Humorous Women

You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones... basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup). Be prepared for this mentally, and you'll own this thing.

~ Lisa Jey Davis

Lisa Jey Davis Aging Aging Gracefully Change Of Life Fitness Fitness Inspiration Health Humor Humorous Menopause Orchids The New Black Weight Gain Weight Loss Wellness

I'm a devil at a quick mistake, and when I make one it takes the form of Lead.

~ Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens Humorous

Before we got married we asked our grandfathers, whose own marriages had lasted forty years or more, What is the secret to a happy marriage? And they paused, looked down at their chicken salad, and said, 'You really have to like each other. After the attraction, you really have to like the person.' ...our mothers tolds us...ask him how his day was. Take an interest in his profession.

~ Tarashea Nesbit

Tarashea Nesbit Humorous

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

~ Brian Maclearn

Brian Maclearn Arguments Bathroom Competing Conflict Contests Funny But True Humor Humorous Old Age

... the lawnmower sounded like bottle caps in a blender.

~ Julie Jaret

Julie Jaret Humorous

The difference between Strauss and Ranieri?” says one trader still at Salomon. “That’s easy. Strauss wouldn’t stoop to use the men’s room on the trading floor. He’d go upstairs. Lewie would piss on your desk.

~ Michael Lewis

Michael Lewis Humorous Lewie Ranieri Salomon Brothers Tom Strauss

Women, the supreme masters of the bait and switch.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

~ D'artagnan Bloodhawke

D'artagnan Bloodhawke Humor Inspirational Humorous

I recalled thinking...His freakishly tidy side could be a problem. To say that neatness was not my strong suit would be a crime against, well, the truth.

~ Betsy Cook Speer

Betsy Cook Speer Biotech Humorous Switzerland

Ryker, you ride with Orlando,” Ryker mocked in a snarky voice as he turned to the other man. He gestured toward the Pinto with a look of revulsion on his rugged face. “How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let's just carry it over. It'll be faster that way.

~ Rose Wynters

Rose Wynters Cars Funny Hilarious Humorous Laughter Satire Snarky Werewolves

It felt like an eternity before he gingerly lifted himself from the table and staggered backwards. Glass shards protruded from chest to groin. The guy looked like a bloody porcupine. A cute, tall bloody porcupine. I’m tall too. Five foot ten. But he had at least four inches on me, even with my thick-heeled boots.“What’s your name?” he slurred. While visions of reckless homicide charges danced in my head, I contemplated using an alias. Finally, I said my real name, “Sam.”“Nice to meet you, Sammers. I’m Jake,” he said.

~ Betsy Cook Speer

Betsy Cook Speer Bar Scene Biotech Humorous
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