Humorous Quotes

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I've been struck by horny lightning.

~ Nicole Christie

It’s mind-blowing and delicious and betterthan finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds atthe end of a rainbow.

~ Tara Sivec

Follow Your Dreams, Except the One Where You’re at School in Your Underwear

~ Annabel Monaghan

As soon as a friendship passed a certain point - some obscure and secret boundary - a woman quite automatically became overwhelmed by a raging compulsion to complicate things.

~ David Eddings

My father had bought him a shirtthat said “Sure you can date my daughter.  In a completely unrelated topic,have you seen my shotgun?

~ Tara Sivec

God, I’ve just figured out what’s missing – you ditched the hallowed Albermarle Teddy Bear!’ I nodded.   ‘Banished to a dark cupboard for all eternity.’ ‘You cold-hearted bastard.’ ‘Give me a hot water bottle any day.   At least they have some appreciable function.   Not like that pathetic pile of overpriced fake fur and anthropomorphic bullshit I locked in the wardrobe.’‘You have serious teddy bear issues.

~ Tabitha Mcgowan

Can I have my ear back? He asked irritably.She blinked.Mother, can you tell this creature here to loosen her hold?

~ Anya Wylde

He would not object, he said, to accepting a post as a librarian. But as Cecilia was unable to imagine that her father or her brother would feel any marked degree of satisfaction in giving her in marriage to a librarian, this very handsome concession on Mr Fawnhope's part merely added to her despondency.

~ Georgette Heyer

She was a former Texan - proud, loud and stubborn. But you can't really be a former Texan. You can only move out of Texas. To be a former Texan would be like growing up in Italy, moving out and being formerly Italian.

~ Jeffrey Michelson

The first of ‘Goose’s Two Laws of Survival.’ It runs thus, ‘The weak are meat the strong do eat.’ ” ... Henry grinned in the dark & cleared his throat. “The second law of survival states that there is no second law. Eat or be eaten. That’s it.

~ David Mitchell

Writing is my passion, not my job. I need to write as much as I need to breathe, if not more.

~ A.e. Croft

Life is a great big canvas, throw all tje paint you can at it.

~ Danny Kaye

Quadruple crap. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why did he have this effect on me? “Are you compelling me right now?”To my surprise, his smile held an edge of sadness. “That would give you a much needed excuse, but I am afraid I am not.”Curse my body for reacting to his. As long as I kept him out of my heart, I would be okay.“I think it a bit too late for that, my dear.”“You’re using old man speak again.” I made a face. “It’s creepy.”He chuckled. “I’ll try to remember that, but I haven’t been around humans much in the past hundred years. It’s hard to keep up with the changes in common dialect.”“Let’s keep on topic, Jett. You were going to teach me how to control my mind.

~ Christie Rich

Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

~ Alan Sitomer

...the concept of marketing is almost as old as humanity itself...suffice it to say here that it took almost no time for a wily serpent to sell Adam and Eve on a shiny apple from the Tree of Knowledge, at which point they became not only the first humans but also the first marketing demographic, and God expelled them from the Garden of Eden for being total consumerist dupes. (p. 40)

~ Bikesnobnyc

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

~ Kathy Griffin

The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God's most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world.

~ Bikesnobnyc

I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap

~ Monica Merrill Mylet

I cannot see you anymore. Your ego spans higher than the Himalayas.” Sutara

~ Eleni Papanou

Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!

~ Tamara Thorne

My mouth was dry. Whispers carried on the wind as the maids around me bunched together in small groups, hysterical, morbid. I thought: who will clean the mess?

~ A.e. Croft

We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon

~ Eleni Papanou

Two kinds of people always lie about their ages: actresses and Latin American pitchers.

~ Jess Walter

My dad had once told me, crimson-red deep in “the talk,” that with sons, all he had to worry about was one penis, but with a daughter, he had to worry about everyone else’s.

~ Nicole Williams

See? That’s it,” he said, waving his hand. “That’s part of what makes us so great, Luce. I’m crazy. You’re crazy. Together, we make our own brand of crazy.

~ Nicole Williams

His attention caught, her companion raised his eyes from the book which lay open beside him on the table and directed them upon her in a look of aloof enquiry. 'What's that? Did you say something to me, Venetia?''Yes, love,' responded his sister cheerfully, 'but it wasn't of the least consequence, and in any event I answered for you. You would be astonished, I daresay, if you knew what interesting conversations I enjoy with myself.

~ Georgette Heyer

Everyone was going crazy, like they’d just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage.

~ Nicole Williams

We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down— locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don’t hinder running. Erin’s suggestion of “Avoid assholes” was popular.

~ Tammara Webber

I’ve had a lot of food but if you don’t jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me.

~ Samantha Young

An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish accent was spot on. “The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.“The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’“The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.” January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. “But one week, he ordered only two.” The crowd oohed and ahhed. “He slowly drank them,” she continued darkly, “and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’“The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.

~ Fisher Amelie

John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped. Jesus, that’s a terrible analogy. I apologize. What I’m saying is that it’s self-preservation. We didn’t choose this, we just have talents that makes us the equivalent of that new guy in the cell block who has a slim, hairless body and kind of looks like a woman from behind, and has an incredibly realistic tattoo of boobs on his back. He may have no desire at all to ever even touch a penis, but it’s going to happen, even if it’s just in the process of frantically slapping them away. Jesus, am I still talking about this? [John—please delete the above paragraph before it goes off to the publisher].

~ David Wong

You stick a bunch of drunken murderers together, ain't long before some turn to thieving, then to lying, then to bad language, and pretty soon to sobriety, raising families and making an honest living.

~ Joe Abercrombie

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. “I told you to behave. I don’t want to have to arrest you ever again.”“Um . . . okay.”I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, “Although I wouldn’t mind handcuffing you.”Oh. My. God.

~ Robyn Peterman

I am (thank God!) constitutionally superior to reason.

~ Wilkie Collins

Do you follow the wrestling? Most people think it's illegal, but you can watch it there. Ruby and Python are on display this evening.

~ Samuel R. Delany

One should never marry a man who doesn't own a decent set of scissors.

~ Gillian Flynn

Here's my using dickwad in a sentence. Greg is such a dickwad, he locks his car in the Pagoda Pizza parking lot. (No. That isn't a real Vocab word.)

~ A.s. King

If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it.

~ Bill Bryson

Albert Camus did not know he was summing up modern photojournalism when he wrote:Will I kill myself or have a cup of coffee

~ Sacha Hartgers

If the ties that bind ever do come looseIf forever ever ends for youIf that ring gets a little too tightYou might as well read me my last rights.

~ The Band Perry