Humorous Quotes

I took your name when I took those vowsI meant 'em back then and I mean 'em right now.

~ The Band Perry

--he stopped and eyed Bill Corso--if you choose to just sit here like a bored jungle gorilla, you will have to write out this quote as many times as you can during the next hour.

~ A.s. King

Kalina remained paralyzed in her seat. “Oh, crap. Aaron was a vampire.” She straightened up. Remain calm, Kalina. Breathe. “You're not going to eat me, are you?”“No,” said Stuart. “Not all vampires feed on humans. I choose not to. I drink Vampire Wine.”“Vampire Wine.” Kalina put the pieces together. “Jaegar...I thought he was kidding...”“And Aaron drank Vampire Wine, too. To avoid succumbing to temptation. To avoid drinking blood whenever he got too...excited....”Kalina's eyes widened. “So you mean...”“Vampire Wine wasn't the problem, Kalina. It was the only solution.

~ Kailin Gow

Always take a compliment, even if it’s not yours

~ Benny Bellamacina

You gotta want it.

~ Bill Murray

Spider or gum? Spider or gum? I thought quickly trying to come up with a believable excuse when I blurted out, “I swallowed a spider!” What? I swallowed a spider? What the hell is wrong with me?!

~ Melissa Aragon

Yes, I know this narrative is crowded with beautiful women - Mrs. Pearson, Mrs. Maycott, Mrs. Lavien, Mrs. Bingham. We might form a cricket team of beautiful women. I cannot help it if they are the ones who excite my notice and so trouble myself to describe.

~ David Liss

I threw my hand over my mouth and blurted out the first best excuse I could come up with, “Morning breath!

~ Melissa Aragon

There's a place for farts, and there's a place for sharts.

~ J.e. Haldeman

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

How many kids are in the Graveyard?A bunch.Who sends your supplies?George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.How often do you receive new arrivals?About as often as you beat your wife.

~ Neal Shusterman

There lived a redheaded man who had no eyes or ears. He didn’t have hair either, so he was called a redhead arbitrarily. He couldn’t talk because he had no mouth. He had no nose either. He didn’t even have arms or legs. He had no stomach, he had no back, he had no spine, and he had no innards at all. He didn’t have anything. So we don’t even know who we’re talking about. It’s better that we don’t talk about him any more.

~ Daniil Kharms

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

~ T.a. Webb

You spit in this?Yup.Chris shrugged. As long as you're honest.

~ R.l. Mathewson

This isn't sex.I blinked. Oh. Then what is it?An emergency!I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this...Yeah. Emergency sounded good.

~ Karen Chance

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...

~ Hiroko Sakai

I'm used to desperate, buddy. Desperate's my factory default. But thanks anyway.

~ Carolyn Crane

If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it.

~ Hiroko Sakai

Why in the name of God do you wear these ugly ass granny panties? I swear it looks like you could parachute from the Dallas Lincoln Plaza with these and have a nice soft landing! Why don’t you get on the internet and apply your online shopping skills while purchasing some panties that do not look like they came from your Grans drawer?

~ Kathryn Perez

Imogen was a bright girl naturally, but she had read so many novels that her brain was completely turned.

~ Susan Coolidge

How come I have too many things to do all the time...??

~ Hiroko Sakai

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

~ Janet Evanovich

...clearly, we're supposed to be together. If this were the internet, seventeen-year-old girls would be writing slash fiction about us as we speak.

~ Vaughn R. Demont

How's the blood-stream, my dear, invaluable little woman? How's the blood-stream?...It's quite comfortable, sir...I think, sir, thank yo

~ Mervyn Peake

Nature doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

~ Pat Connid

I love fortune readings! because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles.

~ Hiroko Sakai

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing...

~ Hiroko Sakai

Locavore? But before he could answer, I figured it out. Someone who eats food produced locally? As opposed to locovore, someone who eats crazy people?

~ Mari Donne

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...

~ Hiroko Sakai

His eyes, green with yellow sparks, and with elongated pupils like a cat’s, made his grandmother gasp and say: ‘Jesus! He has the devil’s eyes!

~ Olga Núñez Miret

Adelina knew perfectly well who the father was, but she worked hard to forget it, and by the end of her life she would insist that Jesús was her child and hers only.

~ Olga Núñez Miret

I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical.

~ M. Leighton

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

~ G.d. Falksen

If you had a piece of coal, we could hold her down, shove it up her ass, and come collect a big, fat diamond in a few days.

~ M. Leighton

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food.

~ David Weber

He’s sort of a homeless horse,” I said.“I’m leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won’t be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don’t want that horse in my apartment.”“Who would put a horse in an apartment? That’s dumb.”“Where’s the horse staying now?”“My apartment.”“I can always count on you to brighten my day,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.

~ Janet Evanovich

I mean, shit, what Latino family doesn't think it's cursed?

~ Junot Díaz

What's the point of using words nobody knows or can say comfortably?

~ Stephen Chbosky

We fell to wrestling again. We rolled all over the floor, in each other's arms, like two huge helpless children. He was naked and goatish under his robe, and I felt suffocated as he rolled over me. I rolled over him. We rolled over me. They rolled over him. We rolled over us.

~ Vladimir Nabokov

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire.

~ Cherise Sinclair