Humorous Quotes

You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.

~ Ivan Turgenev

The Deliverator's car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon into the Asteroid Belt. Unlike a bimbo box or a Burb beater, the Deliverator's car unloads that power through gaping, gleaming, polished, sphincters. When the Deliverator puts the hammer down, shit happens.

~ Neal Stephenson

Aw, come on, admit it—you feel like Cinderella, don’t you?” “No, Darren, I don’t. And do you know why?” “No, sugar, you tell me why.” “Because I’m a man. I’ve got a big fat one and I like to fuck other guys.” Darren was laughing over the phone now, and it made Reece grin. “And Ben isn’t a prince, he’s a cop. A big, sexy cop who fucks like a machine. He’s a man. I’m a man. We’re men.” He nodded sharply. “Now fuck off. I’m arranging flowers.

~ L.a. Gilbert

He never did get right all the way again. And every once in a while he'd come down all bitey.

~ Jonathan Maberry

Are you certain they never cut your member off? Tormund gave a shrug, as if to say he would never understand such madness. Well, you are a free man now, but if you will have the girl, best find yourself a she-bear. If a man does not use his member it grows smaller and smaller, until one day he wants to piss and cannot find it.

~ George R.r. Martin

Believe in something, and let that something be yourself.

~ Harley Brooks

There's no such thing as a sane woman.

~ Andrew Sturm

Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead.

~ Marie Clair

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

~ Joshua Donellan

Why, you boggle-eyed, flap-tongued, drag-bellied offspring of unmentionable algae! You seething little leprous blotch of bat-nibbled fungus! You cringing parasite on the underside of a dwarfish and ignoble worm!

~ Lewis Padgett

An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.

~ Bob Gilluly

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

~ Spuds Crawford

I may be a burglar...but I'm an honest one, I hope, more or less.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it's usually the ones that are requited that get people in trouble.

~ Mercedes Lackey

‎What a blight that woman is. Do you happen to know why? I lean toward a malignant fairy at her christening.

~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Daddy had a strict rule about firearms. Anything we killed we had to eat. No amount of barbecue sauce would make a hairy guy like you palatable.

~ Diane Kelly

Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into town to get some new clothes. Otherwise, the first time she takes a deep breath, that dress will fall right off her.Will looked interested. I think she should try that out right now and see what happens.

~ Cassandra Clare

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.

~ David Sedaris

Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn? - Moose in reference to Jadyn's burning bush -

~ Jillian Dodd

But you want to know about the influence of books on my life, and as I’ve said, there was only one. Seneca. Do you know who he was? He was a Roman philosopher who wrote letters to imaginary friendstelling them how to behave for the rest of their lives.. Maybe that sounds dull, but the letters aren’t – they’re witty. I think you learn more if you’re laughing at the same time.

~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?

~ Chuck Palahniuk

He thought moving to a small town would allow him to find a way to get along to some extent but people were just plain idiots.

~ Christine Feehan

ELVIS & MARILYN:The deader they get -the more money they make.

~ Chocolate Waters

Today, Aaron decided, he would begin to grieve in earnest. He would walk the lonely beach, mocked by gulls, uncaring, his every step a stately rebuke to the malign forces that had blighted his fate. His was the tragedy of a man who couldn't have his own way, and he intended to make known his anguish in the solemn solitude that only a stretch of sand, a suspiring sea, and a beetling cliff could provide.

~ Joseph Caldwell

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

~ Neil Leckman

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?

~ Neil Leckman

You could have heard a bee fluff

~ S.w. Lothian

DISARM ALL RAPISTSBut what will we doWith their legs?

~ Chocolate Waters

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

~ Iimani David

On a cooler sun on a primordial earth: I later learned that biologists, when they are feeling jocose, refer to this as the 'Chinese Resaturant Problem'--because we has a dim sun.

~ Bill Bryson

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.

~ Neil Leckman

I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?

~ Rebecca Murphy

It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa.[In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]

~ Nora Roberts

And I remind you of your mother now? I have got to look into a manlier cologne.

~ Cassandra Clare

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?

~ Christopher Moore

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

~ Eoin Colfer

...I like the way Chee kept God magical, sorta like Santa Claus when you're a kid. More priests should take this approach, because there is a frickin' reason why Santa Claus is more popular than Jesus nowadays.

~ Matthew Quick

A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.

~ John Steinbeck

Society teaches us that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The bill of rights informs us that we have the right to keep it to ourselves.

~ Brian Randleas