Humour Quotes

We never actually have serious conversations about anything for more than 20 seconds. So there’s a beautiful superficiality to our relationship which sometimes gets covered up by all the genuine affection flowing back and forth.

~ Kamila Shamsie

If we had more reliable systems of law and governance perhaps our friendship would be shallower.

~ Kamila Shamsie

There! Now we're friends! declared the minx. Say you're sorry about my sister -I am desolated!That's a good boy!

~ Agatha Christie

I should explain — in view of my last letter, you may find it slightly surprising — that Daphne and I are now bosom friends. That is to say, she seems to think we are; and I do not feel that I know her well enough to dispute it.

~ Sarah Caudwell

Because the first time they met...Y-da: You know, Y-naga-san, the more makeup you put on, the more you look like a guy in drag. So I'm going to call you F-mio!Y-naga: I-I like this person!The moment she fell in love.

~ Fumi Yoshinaga

Tommy and Scootie locked eyes. Only minutes ago, he wouldn't have believed that he could ever have felt such a kinship with the Labrador as he felt now.

~ Dean Koontz

People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

~ Louis-Ferdinand Céline

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

~ Kinky Friedman

People are good because they are good in hiding their bad.

~ Ratish Edwards

My uncle would have about ten pints some nights and then drive us all home. I guess the feeling was that we weren't going to crash into anyone, because barely any fucker lived there.

~ Frankie Boyle

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Lebedev: France has a clear and defined policy... The French know what they want. They just want to wipe out the Krauts, finish, but Germany, my friend, is playing a very different tune. Germany has many more birds in her sights than just France...Shabelsky: Nonsense! ...In my view the German are cowards and the French are cowards... They're just thumbing their noses at each other. Believe me, things will stop there. They won't fight.Borkin: And as I see it, why fight? What's the point of these armaments, congresses, expenditures? You know what I'd do? I'd gather together dogs from all over the country, give them a good dose of rabies and let them loose in enemy country. In a month all my enemies would be running rabid.

~ Anton Chekhov

As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.)

~ Christopher Hitchens

Her mother set to with the hairbrush again. “But would that be so awful, darling? To be the prettiest thing in Brimscombe-and-Thrupp?”“I should rather die.”“You nearly did.”“Yes, but I tend to blame the Germans.

~ Chris Cleave

North Korean troops gathering… inside North Korea.That is unheard of.They were massing very close to the border.North Korea is the size of Ohio. It would be geographically challenging for them to gather very far from the border.

~ Sylvain Neuvel

Not everything happens for a reason, we claim that it does for a reason: to console ourselves.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Do you hate people?”“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

~ Charles Bukowski

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.

~ Douglas Adams

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

~ Ray Bradbury

Finnick? I say, Maybe some pants?He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. Why? Do you find this -- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- distracting?I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell

~ Suzanne Collins

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

~ Irina Dunn

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

~ Oscar Wilde

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

~ Douglas Adams

When I was your age, television was called books.

~ William Goldman

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

~ Cassandra Clare

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

~ Douglas Adams

It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting Cathy and banging your head against a tree.

~ Helen Fielding

Short cuts make long delays.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

~ Blaise Pascal

There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.

~ Joss Whedon

Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class - Hope your surgery went well!

~ Simone Elkeles

We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?

~ Caitlin Moran

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

~ Mindy Kaling

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

~ Mark Twain

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

~ Oscar Wilde

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.

~ Joss Whedon

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

~ Oscar Wilde

Not only will you sleep with me, but you will say 'please.'I stared at him, shocked. The smile widened. You will say 'please' before and 'thank you' after. Nervous laughter bubbled up. You've gone insane. All that peroxide in your hair finally did your brain in, Goldilocks.

~ Ilona Andrews

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick