Sarcasm Quotes

You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?

~ Josh Lanyon

I was dead, and I hadn't even been able to attend my own funeral.

~ Meg Cabot

Where are Haldad my father, and Haldad my brother? If the king of Doriath fears a friendship between Haleth and those who have devoured her kin, then the ways of the Eldar are strange to Men.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I’m a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, “Hello, Jeff,” and sat down again next to my father.

~ Michael Thomas Ford

Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert symphony, something about travel and money again, and we lay there, both of our breaths bad, both of our underwear dangling elastic, and then you turned toward me with a gaze like two matches, putting the horoscope aside, you traced my buried ribs with your index finger, lingered at my collarbone, admiring it as one might a flying buttress, murmuring: Nice clavicle. And me, too new at it and scared, not knowing what to say, whispering: You should see my ten-speed.

~ Lorrie Moore

Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?'' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher.Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it teachers ask ' Would you like to?' No teen ever wants to stand in front of strangers and be forced to talk about them. - Lenore Lee from Whitby After Dark

~ Stella Coulson

I don't want to be here when my latest work of accidental art is discovered.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!

~ Elizabeth Peters

Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?” he asked. “I have already learned not to speak to strangers.” “Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond.” “I am disinclined to know you.

~ Gregory Maguire

Such polite manners for an armed man who was kidnapping me. Danilo could take a few lessons from him.

~ Robin Bridges

 “Your Tim is so unmistakably a healthy extravert type. Mens stulta in corpore sano, and all that.”“Exactly,” she agreed.

~ John Wyndham

You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me.

~ Nicki Elson

Im.’ The monosyllable was heavy with contempt. ‘’E’s a twat.’‘Is he?’‘Yeah, ’e is. Ask Kieran.’She gave the impression that she and Kieran stood together, sane, dispassionate observers of the idiots populating Lula’s world.

~ Robert Galbraith

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.

~ George Carlin

What? You mean this crap shack isn't part of the Four Seasons. Shocking.

~ Ashley Elston

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

~ Nenia Campbell

Here's a tip...If you leave a girl crying you're probably not doing your Don Juan routine right, asshole.

~ Rachel Caine

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!

~ Gina Damico

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and I realize that they are fighting laughter over my terrible plight. There's friendship for you.

~ Libba Bray

It’s not complicated and it doesn’t compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it,” Jill snapped.Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. “Yes, you did.” He brought her a cookie. “Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.

~ R.l. Mathewson

Charming. We're going to be murdered in our beds.

~ J. Anderson Coats

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without a scope who cares am I? This is why I must but must be one of the inhabitants of MTV's Real World. Only there, burning brightly into a million dazzled eyes, will my as yet uncontoured self assume the beauteous forms that are not just its own, but an entire market niche's, due. I am a Kirk Cameron-Kurt Cobain figure, roguishly quirky, dandified but down to earth, kooky but comprehensible; denizen of the growing penumbra between alternative and mainstream culture; angsty prophet of the already bygone apocalypse, yet upbeat, stylish and sexy!Oscar Wilde wrote, Good artists exist in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating... [they] live the poetry [they] cannot write. As with Dorian Gray, life is my art! Oh MTV, take me, make me, wake me from my formless slumbers and place me in the dreamy Real World of target marketing.

~ Dave Eggers

Sarcasm is wasted on those who haven’t had a decent night’s sleep, my darling.

~ Tracy Guzeman

Don't sound so surprised. I have sensible moments, you know.

~ Elizabeth Peters

If she hasn't learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it's not likely she will.

~ Elizabeth Peters

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.

~ K. Martin Beckner

I'm good. And it's good to see you've kept up the tradition of getting the holy shit beat out of you,even when you're in a nice, civilized place.

~ Rachel Caine

I could just hear my mom now, You know those old candy cigarettes are bad for you. Next thing you know, you'll be drinking alcohol, and they'll find you dead in a ditch somewhere. I'll never be able to show my face in this town again.

~ K. Martin Beckner

Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.

~ Rachel Caine

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.

~ Rose Wynters

Dearest love, let me count the ways. Dismemberment, garroted, poisoned, drowned, named. I read that as soon as a species is named it begins its travels up the endangered list. Discovery meaning death.

~ Lindsay Hunter

Eisenhower and Patton, old friends and figures crucial to the Allies' upcoming success, conferred over yet another gaffe on Patton's part that could have cost him his command. Patton's head is on Ike's shoulder in gratitude, but the scene is rescued from being completely maudlin by Eisenhower's internal question as to whether Patton wears his ever-present helmet to bed.

~ Jean Edward Smith

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.

~ Rose Wynters

Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.

~ H.m. Ward

Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.

~ Panic At The Disco

I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found,” I said to the man searching my pants. “You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two.

~ Nenia Campbell

Eragon went to see the dragon for the first time since it had spoken to him. He approached apprehensively, aware now that it was an equal.Eragon.Is that all you can say? he snapped.Yes.His eyes widened at the unexpected reply, and he sat down ro

~ Christopher Paolini

Who the hell is that?!Some call her Satan. Others, Beelzebub. She goes by many names.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?

~ Robert A. Heinlein

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

~ Nenia Campbell