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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry Seinfeld quote from classy quote

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Dance Humor Music Radio Shower

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Books Funny

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Humor Women

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Failure Reddit Success

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Are Beautiful Bookstores Humor So

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Government Humor Irs Mafia

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Love Marriage

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Openers Introductions

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Me Look Way

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Road Start You

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Men Advice Me

We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Great Coffee Sleep

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Cake Candle Know

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Water Game Chess

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld You Kind Like

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Life Passion Goal

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Think Delicate I Think

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Moving Me Live

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Care Tv Only

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld Work Good Know
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