When she says 'I've never done this before she just means with you
~ Josh Stern
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
When people try to rain on your parade,...pee on theirs
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
I love shark week, all kids swim for free
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong
the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for
Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late
I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
